tuck fexas

tuck fexas The tuck fexas blog or
Even Jesus Hates Longhorns

So this was the game everyone had been looking fo since it was announced spring 06. Heavens to Betsy! Everyone that you knew from high school or college was at this game. Insert name of friend or foe and he or she was there, except for Hash who being lame on account of some principle of his lameness. I got to El Paso around dinner time and went out with my father and his friends. We went to sunset brewery, our waitress new nothing about her beers and then Andrew and I had to sit through those old guys reminiscence about Eastwood and working at Steak and Ale and other non interesting stuff. That night I went to Hemingways where I met everyone, but was upset to learn they were out of Double Chocolate Bock. It was good to see everyone, every time some crappy person wearing a burnt orange shirt walked in they were booed. I really hate the whites, Im just going to put that out there. Later Hash and I went to Black Market, it smelled like PE ass.

Saturday I went to the Y as usual and played some racquetball. After that I showered, donned the coolest shirt the Sun Bowl saw that day and proceeded to crash every tailgate I could find.First there was the RVers. I crashed my Aunt and Uncles tailgate, they were serving hamburgers with Sara Lee bread. Man alive, I love Sara lee.

Next it was off to see my friends. Pause for a moment of silence as we still are not allowed to party at the libarary. Then off to the Math building.

As Im walking I say hello to other friends, I get a few smiles, a few chuckles, some point and laugh, others make the sign of the cross when looking at my shirt. I got there around 2 and there were only a few of us.


Bob, Juse, Carla and Jugs, so were talking an getting reacquainted then all of sudden, and totally unprovoked I might add, this flying black bee creature buzzed the hard deck. He stealthily went up my sleeve and bit or stung me. My manly action adventure skills and instincts kicked in, I threw beer in the air and screamed like a girl. I felt just like Bear Gryllis or maybe more like a Care Bear. Either way it was slightly embarrassing and slight painful. My arm swelled up a little bit and was oozing anti bee sting bite venom, I think. High five body! Better cheers to that by opening another can of beer.






Next I went to see Andrew and his band nerds. Only his band nerds were living the choice life. According to local legend a friend of a friend of a friend won the powerball lottery. Said friend proceeded to fund the entire tailgate, chicken, steaks, chicken wings, kabobs, oh yeah…. And expensive as shit bottles of hennessy, you may know it as henny. Im not talking about regular hennessy either, I mean the better bottles; Hennessy XO and Hennessy Paradis. A bunch of idiot college kids drinking cognac that it takes a few days wages for me to earn. Lovely. I chatted with some of friends of band and then made my way to my aunt and uncles. Andrew wasn't feeling familiar so I went alone.

At my aunt and uncles Im guaranteed three things, beer, food, and hugs. Not much else to say.

Next tailgate. I went to visit Booth and the Dallas alumni chapter people. I had to go through the engineers, which I never care for, but that's another story. I had some beer and everyone loved my shirt, I convinced him to come say hello to the guys and to his fraternity brothers. So off we were.By the time I made it back to our tailgate most everyone had arrived. Booth was glad to see everyone, especially Luis, Cheney, and Justin. I did more talking with Bob, Danny, Amanda, Cheney, Brian, Matt, and Jackie.




I even said hello and had a quick conversation with Tracy Musshorn. I don't think I have spoken to her since elementary school. Then Liz from our fraternity showed up so I convinced Booth and her and Rocio to come say hello to the fraternity. I also wanted them to see how Ive become a lame legend of the fraternity.

Im Mr. Shirt. I always seemed to have the best shirts. At the fraternity we saw Norman, Javier, Ivan, Sergio, and Natalie. A bunch of Nibs and some Captain Morgan. Took some pictures and went back to my tailgate. Since we didn't want to have nose bleed seats we left pretty early.


This began my 20 minute hike with Jackie, drunk Jackie. Jackie was drunk. And I had to walk/hold/carry drunk Jackie. Id have to say drunk Jackie is a pretty cool drunk Jackie. Drunk Jackie says nice things and makes fun of all the right people drunk Jackie does. Drunk Jackie walks pretty well for being drunk and drunk Jackie doesn't slur her words. Drunk Jackie is very hungry and thirsty but still pretty nice. Drunk Jackie loves to take pictures. That's all I have to say about drunk Jackie.




The game was a lot of fun, we ended up losing, but we played admirable for being ranked 100 in the nation. We produced 400+ yards of offense and managed to score 13 points. Come on now who has that much yards of offense and doesn't produce more then 13 points. We do. I was honestly hopeful until the 4th quarter and then I knew it was over.






Over the course of the game there were some words exchanged with bandwagoner Texas people. Matt was upset that none of them knew what city Texas was in, but they didn't care because they were winning. I stayed until the end, the only people left were Cheney and his brother. I brought home some Whataburger and went to sleep. Sunday I finished washing my clothes and said goodbye to my Dad at a sportsbar. I actually didn't see my Mom that trip. So I wasn't allowed to take home any food with me like I always do. I wrote the last half of this blog today, its been a month now since this even occurred so I don't remember every minute detail. So just enjoy the pictures.

Much love,

jacob

family reunion '08

Eggemeyer 08

Well just the like the world rotates and revolves and you have perennial events; once the world revolves twice and rotates 730 times, so too comes the biennial Eggemeyer Reunion in Texas. This year finds me two year smarter, stronger, wiser, and worldlier. Most of the invited guest came; I arrived in Austin Friday afternoon around 1 o'clock and drove the hour to the Antlers Railroad Inn. Friday night we just hugged and talked it out. We had Mr. Gattis pizza, I ate 12 pieces, relax, they are small like Cici's. Of course everyone was ready for the Brothers Eggemeyer tandem assault in Scattegories, I've never met any persons who can throw together alliteration better than them and get those double triple points.

Saturday we went on our first golfff outing. I shot a 91. If we were playing golf it would have been about a 110, but with golfff, the two extra f's stand for fun and finagling the score.

Dad and some deer

mas deer

So if you only count the shots you want then the game is much more enjoyable. After I rousing game of golf and raging case of sunburn, damn you spray on sun block, I went to starbucks to enter the American Airlines Magazine Road Warrior contest. I am a Road Warrior, at least in their definition. After that I came back and showered and we went to the hotel restaurant. Where we had the world's worst service, I didn't mind because I was talking with my cousins, but some of the tables finished their food before others started. I was able to try frog legs for the first time. They weren't very good. They had the texture of fish and the flavor of the fryer, which was a lot of seafood. I would never get them again. Afterwords we went back to the hotel and we played some scene it, Aunt Patty and I raped the other team. Ooohh Rahh. Then there was another game of Scattegories which I was paired with the younger cousins and still managed to win. Although Little Egg would never confirm that.

Sunday was another game of golf, but my score was much higher, there really wasn't much golfff going on. I made fun of my soon to be cousin in law, just because you aren't a blood relative doesn't mean I wont treat you as sub human.

Only 1000 more to go

cousin eric a little mad for picking on his fiance

Sunday afternoon I was maxing and chilaxing went I was sent to the grocery store to by yellow, not white corn meal. That night was a pot luck and picture taking. Each of the aunts and uncles individual families was dressed in a different color.

this is what little egg thinks of family color coordinated photos

I ate lots of different foods and then we played some more scene it, I lost horribly and then we played something else not named Scattegories.

Monday we didn't leave first thing in the morning so I made little Egg breakfast, he wasn't sure why but he accepted. Then we said our goodbyes and went to the airport. Had a few drinks in the Continental lounge, said goodbye to the President and got a little toasted in first class.

yeah, he was there, why i would make stuff up, youd have to be crazy to make this kind of stuff up

anyways,

jacob

new kids on the oil block

I was politely informed that burqa bitches is hurtful and degrading, so said women will be referred to as hizzos and lizzaladies.

This is letter is to the significant others of said hizzos and lizzaladies. More particularly the wealthy rich ones who are a byproduct of oil production. These boys do not conform to the conservative nature of the region or of its religions. Instead they choose to replicate the lifestyle of MTV's Sucker Free Sundays. For those that do not get that reference, do you remember in the movie Titanic when they referred to the unsinkable Molly Brown as new money? Meaning, new to wealth, not really knowing how to act, unsure of themselves, fiscally the opposite of me. Well that is how I would describe theses guys. They have very expensive name brand clothing on, Lacoste, Sean John, FCUK, Armani, Louis Vatton, Rocca Wear, any other rappers clothing line, or anything else they sell on Rodeo Drive. Generally they are wearing jewelry, big pieces, bling-bling if you will, stuff that rivals professional athletes, recording artists, and their accompanying entourages. They will often be in a bar or club and will most likely have bottle service; and they aren't drinking crap like Jack, Jim, or Jose. They have bottles of Johnnie Green or Blue Label; they have bottles of Grey Goose or some celebrities attempt at Vodka manufacturing. Bottles of Hennessey, maybe you know it as Henny; and just other bottles of liquor that I cannot even afford a shot of, let alone the entire bottle. Their area of the bar or club will be filled with Cuban Cigar Smoke and be filled with ladies who rival the slutted up value of Vegas girls. With all that said, that's not what really made me want to write a blog about them. I've been around people who have nicer clothes than me and people who drink more expensive liquors than me. I've been around people who smoke expensive tobacco and people who seem to have every hot girl in a mini skirt near them. I guess what it really boils down to is the fact that even though from my perspective life is good, these kids still don't know how to have a good time. They will still fly off the handle if anyone looks at them wrong. If something doesn't go there way or they don't get exactly what they want, when they want, they turn into Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka and Chocolate Factory. They all tend to be Type-A with Napoleon Complex, regardless of their size. If any of you thought that D-bags and A-holes were strictly secluded to a particular region or nation, they aren't. They can be found in every hemisphere. Plus, they seem to need affirmation about anything; their lack of confidence is comical. What they truly need is a kick in the in ass, and a staunch reminder to Chillax. So to my wealthy boys of oil rich families; nobody likes you, club owners, bar owners, even the girls in the club. You aren't black, you aren't from the dirty drity, and you aren't athletically gifted or lyrically gifted. Just be yourself or act your age or act like you belong. Do something.

--
Jacob

burqa bitches

burqa bitches

This is a letter to women of Islam and my heart goes out to you and your never ending quest for fashion and faith. When I was in Malaysia I saw many women in burqa. This was really my first experience with the Muslim faith. I found my self staring and quickly looking away, much like I do at your cleavage. I stared because I was curious, because it was new, because I don't understand, but mostly because I wonder if under it all you really are a hotty. Now I have much experience with hotties, mostly in the form of them turning me down, but I do know one when I see one. One of the most interesting things about these women was just how fashionable they tried to be wearing all black. Not only were the burqas fashionable in that they had sequence and intriquite sewing patterns, but they were also form fitting. When these girls walked I tried to see their forbidden feet and while they do not wear nail polish they often have fashionable sandals. With said sandals they usually have big fluffy posh purses. To top it all off they usually have a fair share my makeup on as well. Eyeliner, mascara, the one that goes on your eyelids, is it shadow? Put these all together and you can tell that there is a banging hottie underneath it all. So I found that I stopped checking out regular girls because there boring, I was all about the burqas and trying to figure out what was underneath. The saying goes that less is more, but in this situation the case really is more is more. More skin clothed means there is more left up to my imagination. There is not a playboy, penthouse, or hustler that can do what my mind is capable of. Through the course of my journey I found about 4-6 women who I would marry based just on their eyes alone. No need to check out their feet, handbag, or the style of burqa, I knew that underneath it all was a smoking babe. Another way to tell how hot a BB is, is by the crappy oil rich arab man pulling her along. (More on them later) The bigger his D factor, Douche or Dick, the hotter that chick probably is or was. So in conclusion I would like to say go on with your badself girl, keep throwing it down for Mohammed and keep throwing it down for Gucci, Prada, and Revlon, but don't for a minute think you are fooling anyone. Being born hot isn't a crime, you just have better cards then your neighbor, and I say if you feel the need to cover it all, revert your eyes, and show genuine disinterest by me, thank you, because I just developed one more crush and you made my trip that much better.

Ciao,

jacobissimo

malyasian pictures

malaysian pictures
At the airport in Hong Kong

From my bedroom, the petronas towers


at night

a better picture

more

a restroom at a restaurant, its unisex
many of the restrooms had a hose, i guess if things get out of hand
but with no seat you kind of have to squat, so if you miss the hole, just hose things off, the bathroom were always soaking, luckily i didnt need to take a sit down right that moment

some dish, it was good

same

again

dancers from the cultural show

more

afterwards we took pictures with the dancers, originally i was going to caption this, hmmm whom should i choose, but now the captions reads look all the chicks staring at white godzilla, except for the girl to my immediate left, why is she giving me the stink eye

ahh, ive made my decision, and look at said stink eye girl, shes happy once more

pretty hot, although, upon further review, im hoping that the shocker is not a global hand gesutre, because if so, I just got punked

petronas towers from the tour

same

this is how many of me it would take to equal the building height

from the sky bridge

same

same

same

me and said colonels daughter, and if you didnt know us, you could easily think we are 15 and 13

petronas paraphanelia

no more captions, just enjoy



you can bet your sweet dick im naked under there

my room

bathroom

this is the way to mecca, in case you need to pray

see you next week,

egg

malaysia

It’s been quite some time since I wrote my last traveling blog and nothing was going to happen with this until November. Then I showed up to work on a Monday and my boss said I was going to Malaysia on Thursday, okay. I was overlooking my flight schedule, I was to leave Tucson on Thursday and I wouldn’t be getting to Kuala Lumpur until Saturday afternoon. Sheesh, even with crossing the International Dateline that’s a lot of AIS. Ass in Seat. Flight to Dallas was not memorable. Then I had a 7 hour layover in Dallas, I spent most of the time in the lounge, that was better than being with the locals, but I would have preferred to just get on with my trip. Next I had a 3 hour flight to San Francisco. Got to San Francisco, went to the lounge and watched my Michael Phelps continue with the dominance. Afterwards I thought to myself, I’m going to go check out the Cathay Pacific lounge. Good thing I did because I actually needed to leave the terminal, re check in, and go through security. I did all of that and still had time to get to their lounge, eat some dumplings, watch some female gymnastics and then catch my 14 hour flight to Hong Kong. I had an okay seat but it was very tiny and I was sitting next to a stinky Indian. One thing I was very impressed with was Cathay’s in seat entertainment system. Almost 100 movies on demand and 8000 CDs on demand. Simply amazing. Somehow or another I made the 14 hours and I was now in the Far East. Walking around Hong Kong airport at 5am is nothing special, it’s empty and very quiet, everything is closed, but the lounge is open at DragonAir airlines; okay go have some noodly soup and some dry ginger ale. Then I had another 3 hour flight to KL, as it is affectionately known. The airport here is fairly nice, it’s very hot and muggy, which is what you would expect for the jungle but still.

As soon as I checked in I went to HRC, that’s what all pinheads do, and went to an Argentinean steakhouse. Came home went to the steam room and couldn’t keep my eyes open past 9pm, fast forward 11 hours of sleep. I awoke, went down and head some breakfast and went and got a massage. This was my first massage and I really enjoyed it. I might have fallen asleep during. It wasn’t super relaxing because I’m not a stressed person but when she went to work on my claves I winced. Afterwards I was covered in relaxing oils and went to work kind of sort of. Went for walk to HRC for lunch. That night I walked to an Italian restaurant and had some pizza and beer. Since the area is predominately Muslim they are very reluctant to give you beer. So when you are ordering your 4th refill they seem upset by that
Monday was the first day of the conference and I didn’t do much, but I went to a great Chinese restaurant for lunch. Worked on my chopstick skills and had some tofu. Not very good. Monday night I went to China town and bought some truly authentic knock offs. A great polo shirt and Lacoste shirt. Some other gifts, which some readers may be getting so I won’t say what else I purchased.

Tuesday I actually did some work. Then I went to some huge 6 story electronics store where everything under the sun with a battery could be purchased. Sadly it was the same thing on every floor, cameras, flash cards, motherboards, phones, memory sticks, yada yada yada. That night some of the conference coordinators took us to some Malay hole in the wall for dinner. I had some egg fried rice dish and satay. Satay is just like a kebob. Good stuff.

Wednesday I went to a meeting and then it was our cultural dinner. We had a great show with dancers. Malaysia is a melting pot of Chinese, Indian, and Malay, so all week I had either Chinese food or Indian food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I was able to try many new fruits that I had never seen or heard of before and sadly I cannot pronounce them either so you will not be privy to that information either. Had many good meat dishes and some Indian pastries. Afterwards I called it a night.

Thursday was only a half day because of our cultural tour. We had lunch at the hotel Italian restaurant which was exquisite. Then we were off. We went to a Malaysian craft center, they make many fine silk garments and products with a many fine price attached. Next we went to the Petronas towers. If that doesn’t ring a bell it’s the towers from the movie Entrapment. Quite a nice view, of course another 6 story mall is attached with very high prices. I bought a FCUK shirt because I like the word fuck. I was accompanied by one of the Malaysian colonel’s daughter. Good conversationalist, she wanted to practice her English. It was nice. After we got back from the tour we went back out with our coordinators to another Malay restaurant and I had some egg fried noodles dish. I really hadn’t gotten drunk yet so I decided it was my last night better imbibe. I went to a bar, sat down, and proceeded to order pints of Singapore beer. Its called tiger and its ferociously good. I also smoked a Cuban cigar, It wasnt very enjoyable and Im sure I did it wrong but with the whole trade embargo I thought why not. Does smoking making you drunk at all because I only had 4 pints and I walked home a la Billy from Family Circus. I even wrote drunken emails and IMs.
Currently Im in Tokyo sipping Japanese Whisky, it has the flavor of a cherry blossom with the bite of a samurai, I realize those references may be to the wrong country, but the thought seemed amusing to me and now you really want to try it as well don’t you. Anyways Im off to my gate c71.

Alright picking up where we left off. I left Tokyo at 11am on Saturday and now Im in texas at 10 am Saturday morning. Love that international dateline. One of the coolest things about my SFO trip was that I had about 20 hours of nighttime that night. Usually when I come home from Europe I have 20 hours of sunlight and it gets pretty annoying but I didn’t mind the 20 hours of nighttime. Let me go back and reread and see where I left off.

Looks like we are on Friday now. Friday was a pretty chill day, like most of my days, I try to do as much chillaxin as possible. We wrapped things up and some admirals and general said some closing remarks, we had a small awards assembly, then we went back to that same Chinese restaurant. I ate too much duck and squid, but it was tasty. I packed up all of my equipment and packed my luggage and somehow with all the crap that was given to me and with all the crap I bought I still came in under the baggage limits. I had to be in the lobby at 6pm to catch my van, fast forward to 8 when the van actually showed up. The host nation was very apologetic and embarrassed but no worries my flight wasn’t until 1050.

I had a very enjoyable ride with a wing commander from Bangladesh. We talked about human interoperability and we had a great discussion on Christianity and Islam. We came to the conclusion that they are 98% identical and how everyone should just chillax and this world would be a better place. I learned what the difference is between covering your hair and covering your whole face when it comes to woman in Islam. Good stuff. My flight from KL to Tokyo wasn’t too bad only 6 hours, but my coach seat was super cramped and they wouldn’t turn the lights off either. I fell asleep twice for about 30-40 minutes and REMed it up. I woke up covered in my own drool, must have been good REM. Not much else going on with that trip. My flight from Tokyo to dallas was 11 hours and the movie selection sucked it royally. And it was super cold. When I was in Tokyo I broke down and bought some duty free noise cancelling headphones, shits rocked my socks off. I slept something fierce on that flight. The breakfast and lunch were okay coming from Asia. I always recommend everyone to order the kosher meal when traveling to Europe on AA because the other food sucks. Currently sitting in the DFW lounge drinking vodka and orange juice about to get on my flight. I think when it is all said and done I will have traveled 28 hours, pretty long time. Well if I can think of anything else Ill write it, but im tired so this will wrap it up.


Hugs and kisses,


jake

25 on the 25th

25 on the 25th

I turned 25 on the 25th and when I awoke this morning I didn't feel any different; although I had some slight back pain. Not because I'm old, but because I did dead lifts yesterday. Leading up to this day I was really dreading the well wishes. Except for my friends who started kindergarten when they were 4 I'm one of the last people in my school year to turn 25. I talked a lot of shit over the last year, "You're old as balls, old as shit, old as dirt, how does it feel being a quarter of a century, you're that old and what have you accomplished, mas viejo, mas vieja, and you smell like a grandparent" I was not really looking forward to the reciprocal of that. Most of my friends who are older than me told me to shut the hell up. When my mother told me to shut the hell right up, I felt better, at least I don't have a 25 year old kid. One of my grandma's turns 80 this year, she told me to suck it, in so many words.



I thought about being depressed, but I don't know how to do that. I thought I would write a eulogy to the spring of my life and a stern warning to the summer saying, "Alright you didn't totally foul up the spring, so lets make the summer better." I decided against that though, since 4:21 p.m July 25, 1983 coming out the dirty H-town Ive done a lot and have experienced a lot. So instead of writing a down in dumps, doom and gloom, shitty blog, Im going to write the greatest love fest, superfluous filled, superlative laden, exaggerated, pluperfect, prepotent, incalculable, incomputable, monumental, prodigious, stupendous, tremendous, spectacular, breathtaking, striking, wonderful piece of literature about myself. It will be so filled with the awesome that is me that you may want to stop being my friend due to how far you pale in comparison.



--Cue curtain rise



Here are a few things I have on the average American and frankly for that matter the average Earthman.

Im taller, smarter, healthier, leaner, thinner, and hotter than most

I have more education, more friends, more family, and better racquetball skills than most

I have more frequent flier miles and time spent in the car, only Matty Brown is a bigger polluter than me.

I make more money than the average person and do less work for it.

I can dunk a basketball

I can ski through the trees

Ive been to 8 countries

I can out drink any 5th grader

I can beat you at trivia, Hash might have something to say about this

I know more acronyms than you, I do military IT, you know its true

I can cheers in six languages

Of all your friends, Im your mother's favorite

I have more HRC pins than you

I can drink scotch straight

I have a competent communicator in Toastmasters





That's all I can think of right now, but its pretty good stuff. It's a lot of stuff for 25 years and with 75 years more to live I can accomplish even more. Thank you all for the birthday cards, birthday wishes, facebook and myspace love, and phone calls. It meant a lot.





See you shortly,



jake