lisbon

Lisbon

So were off to a new country again. This time to Portugal and its two months after the fact and let’s see how much I can remember.

Friday

Headed out to Europe and a new country stamp. We were going to Portugal via Madrid and Dallas. Unfortunately, with the price of fuel now AA is using the smallest aircraft as possible. The crappy 767. I had an exit row, but it had been awhile since I flew that. The exit row is a bulkhead and thus, has about as much leg room as my back seat. To top it all off I did not have working audio so I couldn’t watch the bulk movie they show to coach class. The flight attendant couldn’t be more apologetic and offered me extra food or alcohol. I didn’t want coach food and I wasn’t really in the mood for alcohol. So she kept saying Ill bring the purser and she’ll make things better. I thought maybe she would bring me a handheld movie player, no, she came over and said what do you want, I don’t know what do you want, well you said you wanted to speak to me, no the flight attendant said you were going to come over here and offer me vast sums of money. Ha..haha..ha ha har har. There were crickets, I really didn’t say that, but my tone was such. So she went back to first, my flight attendant came back and asked why didn’t I ask for anything. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to ask for but she finally left me alone.

Saturday

We landed in Madrid and had to take a long bus ride to our terminal. I got to practice my Spanish when I ordered some tapas; beer, bread, cheese, and ham. My stomach thanks you Rosetta Stone. Flight to Lisbon was a normal 1 or 2 hour flight. We checked into a fairly fancy hotel, I had a queen bed which is always appreciated. I had German shutters, that closed light tight, meaning they let no light in, it was fantasmical. Then to top it all off I had I rainfall shower head, only problem was it was about 5 inches tall. The spout was right where my neck, so I had to duck into the shower. Oh well, the water felt amazing and I would just stand under the water for minutes. After hanging out in my room for an hour or two I went for a walk to HRC. Needed to get my pilgrimage underway and get my pins and stamps from HRC. On the way I saw the coordinator and she invited me to dinner. Dinner wasn’t until 9pm, I thought that was kind of late, but oh well, it sounded fun. It was supposed to be like a 24 course meal. I was intrigued. It turned out to be like a 33 course meal. We had a bread and 4 meat appetizer courses, followed by about 7 beef, pork, seafood dishes each, varying from casseroles to sautéed things to who knows what else, just put it in your mouth. The problem was that every serving was about 2 bites. I was attempting to pace myself because I didn’t know how many were left. A lot of times I would motion for just a little bit, they would smile and nod, Silly American Heres A Shovels Worth. Thanks. I felt a little bad too because the Portuguese contingency we were with were devouring their meals and I was being a bad American and wasting food. During the course I met the spouses of some of my coworkers, they were both very cool. We had lots of wine and sangria. The sangria was absolutely amazing, so tasty. Finally, it was time for the dessert round. We had 5 rounds total to include a dish called Moose Drool. It was this sweet caramel concoction. It was so sweet that it made the sangria taste bitter and sour. I could feel my teeth saying, WTF dude, sugar much!!!!!! Headed back to bed and slept like a champ.

Sunday

Woke up for breakfast and pure usual jet lag, had about 3 plates of food. That morning I helped a coworker with some of her work and then we were released. Well released midday means Jacobs is on extreme tourism. Its difficult for some to comprehend or follow along. It means using my legs to their giant gait abilities and then only spending about 5 minutes at each site to take some pictures and say Allllright. My coworker has short legs and is a big picture taker. So Id have to keep looking back to make sure she was still there. And then wait for a while she took pictures at every angle and aperture setting. We went down to the square and then to the shore line. Next we were off to the fortress. It was a good trek up a big hill. On the way we stopped at a really pretty church to use the facilities. I thought I had lost her, because evidently she went to use the bathroom while I was going and then she wasn’t at the meeting point for awhile. I was really scared thinking maybe she had been kidnapped. Then she emerged and our journey continued. The fortress was really cool, still in good shape and a lot of stuff to explore. It was above the city and all the classic rooftops you see in pictures were there. A plethora of burnt sienna shades strewn across the landscape. ßcheck me out using descriptive language. Alright, back to regular Jacob speak. We headed back to the hotel after making a stop for some beer and met our teammates for some dinner. We went to dinner in tourist restaurant row. Had some really good seafood. And then made our way back to the hotel.

Monday

This was our first day of the conference and it was fine. I was busy the rest of the week with network assessment stuff. I currently wear about 5 hats overseas and I ignored the other 4, I knew I could catch up in Montenegro. That night we went out to dinner again in restaurant row. Something that is interesting about walking around Lisbon is all the drugs that are offered to you. Hey, pshh, pst, you want some and they would motion down to their pocket. You want weed, coke, hashish, shrooms. Nah man Im good, no my friend you don’t got this you aren’t good. And this was about 3 or 4 times per walking trip around town. From what I heard or could tell, Lisbon is the gateway into Europe for drugs. All the drugs from Africa and South America filter through there and I guess the police look the other way for personal consumption. It seemed pretty sketchy if that’s how you were to buy your drugs, but I guess all drug purchases are kind of sketchy given their legality.

Tuesday

More work and then on to the ice breaker. It was a long and windy road to the officers quarters where we had this thing. I was feeling kind of nauseous throughout the trip; and with a lack of a/c I was having to tell myself not to yack. I didn’t but it was close a couple of times, there were some hard swallows going on. The ice breaker was pretty good, they had plenty of beer and gin. Why gin, I don’t know, but they did. The hors d'oeuvre were filing enough. It rained, so it made the air smell really nice. Had some good conversations with some of my counterparts from Europe.

Wednesday

Just some work and conversations. Made some new friends with the Canadians, Irish, and Norwegians. They are all cool peeps and were willing to help out with my network assessment needs. One guy that was not was from a certain group, hes the acting lead nation for the group, meaning hes the lead router and hes a giant pain and the ass and he didn’t want to play nice. I was really proud of my vendor for going toe to toe with, we didn’t lose this round, we didn’t win either because the guy just eventually walked away from the conversation. I asked my vendor if that was the hardest sell he ever had, Nah not by a long shot. We’ll just try again. I was very impressed, the guy was totally unphased. I guess since he works with some really big name banks and high powered CEOs this Maj was no big deal. We eventually won the war in Montenegro. Youll hear about that in a few weeks. Went out to dinner that night with some friends.

Thursday

Wash, rinse, and repeat basically. This was my last night in Portugal because I was leaving on Friday to Nepal. I tied up as many loose ends as possible before going. It was a little stressful trying to cram in 5 days of work in 4 days but I somehow managed like always. That night I went out to dinner with the same girl from the fortress tour. She is a lot of fun to hang out with, good conversationalist and she doesn’t eat or drink too much, so I get to have all of her leftover food and alcohol. That’s really all I have to say about Portugal. It was great, got a lot of work done, and I guess I was basically WINNING like always.

Okay, take care readers, see you next week.

Hugs and kisses

jacob

austin

Austin
We have a first time host in Cousin Helen. In all of my travels I have never made it to her house. She had a three day weekend for Presidents Day and was willing to host so I said come on with your bad self.

Saturday
Really couldn’t afford to take off any additional time as this was my 6th weekend in a row on the road so that’s why I didn’t leave work any earlier than I did. Flight was early early, slept through the first one and managed to wake up just as they were serving breakfast. This was one of the rare times where I had a heterosexual male flight attendant. Some old classy dude who had his initials on his cuff links, gold jewelry and a Rolex. He served me up some wicked Crispix. I should purchase Crispix more often, it’s a tasty cereal. A little bit manlier than Chex I say. Quick hop down to Austin, sat next to this smoking hot lady who had a jawbreaker for a wedding ring, she was rocking those tight fitting yoga pants. Mmmm mmmm get some. I freak love hot legs in yoga pants. So we land and Cousin Helen picks up Cousin Jakey. And were off to stuff our faces with BBQ. We headed down to Lockhart, TX for what has to be some of, if not the best, bbq I’ve ever had. We went to Smittys and I had the best fatty brisket I’ve ever had. Soaked up all the fat, grease, and gristle with white bread and washed it down with Red Cream Soda. Man Alive I fucking love Texas!! Also saw Harry Connick Jr. I gave him the cool guy eye brow raise, what’s up, he acknowledged it, didn’t reciprocate, but that’s because he was with family and his hot ass wife. He ordered $92 dollars worth of bbq for them. Don’t know why I remember that, but it maybe has to do with him pulling out his wallet and all I see are dollar dollar bills ya’ll for days. So we make our way back to Austin. We had some good conversations in the car. I’ve never really hung out with Helen much. At least not where we had our undivided attention before. She was delightful to talk to. We stopped in Spec’s and I was in alcohol heaven for awhile. Bought a new flavor of Shiner. AND they had our favorite Tequila on sale. Centenario Reposado normally goes for about 55 dollars; it was on sale for 18 a bottle. Don’t know why it was, but I picked up three bottles to bring back to the AZ cousins. Score one for the good guys. Then we headed out to the original Whole Foods, some giant multi stored behemoth. It was packed chock full of hippies, buying their hippy products. Then we went home, chilled for awhile, and were back out to destroy the town. We went to the Alamo Drafthouse; it’s this theatre with bar sitting kinda sorta. You sit in a regular old school movie theater seat, but in each row is a bar, so you can order food and drinks. Pretty ingenious if you ask me. I had some local dark beer, Helen had green chile baked macaroni and cheese. I was still pretty full from the bbq, but I managed to take good couple of spoonfuls. The movie we saw was Cedar Rapids. It stars Ed Helms and John C. Reilly, who play insurance guys who attend a conference and hilarity ensues. It was freaking hysterical. Then we met Laura and Bryan, they were at this old time bar slash speakeasy. They make old school cocktails there, it was pretty awesome. Had a drink and chatted with them for awhile. Headed back early because Helen had to run a half marathon the next day, no biggy. As testament, to one of the finest hostings I ever been a part of, she offered her bed and then basically demanded I take it. I was perfectly happy being on the sofa but she insisted. So I got upgraded to her double bed which was way more awesome then the couch. Everyone should take a lesson from her; let the Jakester stay in your bed its cool.

Sunday
Woke up to an empty apartment because Helen went to a half marathon, so I was forced to fend for myself. I have to say I was a little bit out of my element because Helen only has all natural foods and vegetarian foods and vegan foods and gluten free foods. So I ended up having an organic banana, tortilla chips, fancy cheese, purified water, and I think that was it. She came home about noon and was exhausted. I was hungry, so I said get showered, get dressed, we need to feed the tape worm. We were off to some schmancy pants Tex mex restaurant. It was muy delicioso, I don’t remember what I had; one fancy chicken taco and one fancy beef taco, but what I do remember is that I was able to pop my Dublin Dr Pepper cherry. I picked up two bottles and knew instantly that these were gifts from heaven. I never want to go back to corn syrup dr pepper, even 125th anniversary dr pepper is garbage compared to this pure cane sugar concoction that comes out of the heart of Texas. Fuck you coca-cola and Pepsi-cola and all other inferior soft drink beverages. After lunch we headed down to congress which is hippy central. We went into a lot of eclectic boutiques and fun and fancy shops, with very high end prices. Most of these garments and gifts were of the used and second hand nature, yet seemed to have rodeo drive type prices. Maybe that’s why hippys are a poor sort. In order to stick it to the man they have to stick it to themselves. Helen was drained so she said very kindly, dear sir, lord eggemeyer, might we go home so that I may rest my feet. I said sure. We went home and played some buzz tv, it’s a trivia game. I think I went 2 for three if memory serves me correct. Helen had to be reminded of her place in life; a woman in my family is inferior when it comes to trivia. Save for this Christmas, but all other times, the eggemeyer knowledge of bullshit reigns supreme. Later on in the afternoon we met Laura and Bryan and the draughthaus it looks like an old timey Swiss chalet and they have lots of great beers on tap. Beers I’ve never even heard of and they were all muy delicioso. They were also a little high in alcohol content so I left soberville. Since one can never get tired of Tex mex we went to another Tex mex place where I proceeded to have a Mexican martini. It’s a margarita that you can liken to the Hudson’s milk shake. Meaning it’s a lot of damn liquid. It seemed to take forever to finish, but I managed to do just that, cuz that’s how I rolled. Next we went to red box because I was wide awake and still needed to be entertained. So we got Easy A and Get him to the Greek. I think Helen might have drifted off during Easy A, but she was awake when I decided it to be a good idea to start drunk dialing people. We call Cousin Paul, but because he doesn’t answer the phone, he didn’t answer. Then we drunk dialed my mom which was fun, because I had to shout the entire weekend of fun and hijinks Helen and I shared. She was moderately impressed, Helen was partially blushing, but like always she’s a good sport. Then it was off to bed.

Monday
Helen and I were off, most of you weren’t so fortunate. I got up about 8, Helen had been up since 6, living her life, reading, walking the dog, crocheting, growing a friendly freedom garden or who knows what. When I got up she proceeded to make me a hearty hippy breakfast of real bacon and cage free eggs, again it was muy delicioso. Then we watched get him to the Greek, Helen read a book, a big book, like 1200 pages. I’ve never read anything that long in my whole life. We had some more time so we played some more buzz trivia and I managed to win YET again. Then it was time to go to the airport but not before we got some lunch which consisted of you guessed it, Tex Mex. We stopped at this place and got some tacos and Mexican coke. Which Helen proceeded to spill all over her cup holder. We’re going to have to get her trained on the ways of multitasking whilst driving on the interstate. Got on my plane and headed back home.

And that’s how I spent my Presidents day weekend, yeah it was better than yours.

Thanks for everything Cousin Helen,

Jakey

Mountain Men 11

Yo, time for the Coors Light Ski Team to make their annual trek to the ski slopes. This year we had two new participants who in the end were initiated and made whole members of the Mountain Men and the Coors Light Skit Team.

Thursday

I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to make it to this trip. It was the same week of a proposed Australia trip and I wasn’t sure if I was going to be going on that trip. Luckily or Unfortunately, depending on who you are talking to I wasn’t selected for the trip and got to go hang out with my boys. Flight was fine to Salt Lake City. I was flying through Phoenix and as I was the first to arrive so I was the car rental guy for this trip. Through discussions it was determined that we would get a large SUV, in hindsight we should have gotten a luxury SUV or a minivan. So we picked up our car and it was this GM thing, we nicknamed it the menopause because it was a vehicle lacking power, it was small, and basically all things equaling it to being on the rag. The rest of the crew, 6 in total, got in within about 1.5 hours of me. We had set up this group phone number where we could have conference calls and group text messaging. From the outset the messages were all basically gay-sex related messages and calling each other out for having sand in their vaginas. As it turns out, we all have lots of sand in our vaginas according to each other. We picked up a couple of guys, made a trip to the state liquor store, so we could get some alcohol and some full strength beer. The beer there is only 3% in the store, if you want full strength then you have to go to the state liquor store. Since we are the Coors Light Ski Team we go through about a 30 pack a day. We were hoping to get full strength Coors there but no such luck they only sell the pussy version in Utah. Luckily, the two cowboys from Texas brought two 18 packs in their checked baggage. One Light and one Regular, it was pretty epic, all were drinking in my car except for me. You should be allowed to drink while driving there if the beer is that weak. Our tradition is to go to Red Iguanas the first night every trip. Its this place that serves up Tex Mex and it is always packed. We had to wait about an hour but its worth it, had some margaritas, chips and salsa, guac, tacos, beans, rice, and chile con queso. Killed some parking lot beers and made our way back into the car. And then the two cowboys from Texas thought it would be a good idea to go to a titty bar. In the weeks prior they had been searching the google asses off to find a strip club in SLC. Well that shit basically doesn’t exist, if they have 3% beer, then you can bet they don’t have strip clubs. What they do have is bikini bars. Bikini bars don’t server alcohol and the girls wear pasties. Its really quite funny. We had cherry cokes and watched a bunch of girls not shake their junk. White girls usually don’t have asses, some do, most don’t. The ones that do are awesome and keepers. We hung out there for awhile, made it rain, got some lap dances, and then headed back to Park City where we would be staying for the long weekend. We got there about 11 or so and then went to the grocery store and did some major damage. For four days we bought 300 dollars worth of groceries and Im happy to say that only about maybe 10 bucks of it we didn’t consume. Yeah, Mountain Men eat a lot of shit, we shit a lot, then eat some more.

Friday

This was our first day of skiing and we went to Deer Park. It was pretty good skiing most of the trip, unfortunately it got above freezing everyday so it was kind of slushy and icy. Skiing went well, from what I can remember. Lines weren’t too long and I didn’t fall down. After skiing we invade the hop top, it turns into a hot liquid mass of man soup by the time its all said and done. This first night there were about 6 dudes in their when we joined them. They were about 20 years older than us and kind of douchy. We talked and they said we were them 20 years from now, if we are them 20 years from now we will kick our own asses. They were talking about Porsche 911s, bonds, and their wives, and AND sharing cigars. If that’s not he crem de la crem of douchy I don’t know what is. We decided to pay wisest wizard that night. Basically everytime you drink a beer you duct tape the last one to the bottom of your new one. The idea is to create the longest staff. In laymens terms, he who has the biggest dick, wins. I think Ian had the biggest dick, 10 or 11 beers. With the killing of each 30 pack we usually kill two bags of Tysons Anytizers. Anytizers are the sweet bastard lovechild of chicken nuggets and other ingredients. My personal favorite is the chicken nuggets infused with pepperoni pizza, talk about the ultimate. After we finished off pre dinner and then all showered, a feat that takes only 1 hour for 6 dudes, yeah girls you suck, we made our way to this brewery. The place was pretty crowded and we were waiting in the entrance way. We were there standing, talking, and minding our own business. As we are standing there, talking, minding our own business this big group of people is walking out. This guy with a stroller asks one of my friends to move, but he does it kind of rudely. Im guessing said friend maybe saw him in his peripheral vision and moved within time, but it wasn’t quick enough for this guy. So my friend walks into our group and this guy passes. This guy is saying goodbye to all his friend and he keeps looking back at our group. We were right in front of the glass doors so he could see us just fine. He looked perturbed and seemed to be getting more upset. Well the whole time, one of our Texas members is basically mean mugging him and dogging him out the whole entire, every time this guy looks back our guy gets a little more chesty. Finally, said asshole walks back in and gets in my friends face. I think this guy is our tallest member, he and I are about equal but he may have better posture. So this guy is like who do you think you are, you think youre bad, you want to go outside, yadda yadda yadda. Well I don’t know if its because he was with us or because hes just awesome he starts to mouth off to him. Says why don’t you take your stroller and go home, go take your baby for a walk. This guy responds with do you know what I did with guys like you overseas. Said friend asks him politely if it involved sodomy, or maybe something more graphic than that. We all start laughing like hyenas, both guys are straight faced, the rest of us are eyeing the situation, hes not going to be 6 of us if anything should happen. Eventually, his wife comes and makes him leave. We all remind him to go take his stroller home. For the rest of the meal we recount the tale and cant fathom why some dude, a family man would come back in and challenge guys much younger than him and outnumbered. I mean no matter how strong or brave or proud you are, youre old and you have a stroller, go back to your minivan, get some froyo and go to bed. You probably have to get up early for a game of golf or crossword puzzles.

Saturday

Was kind of sort of our day off. We went back to salt lake city because of one reason and one reason alone. To go to the Olympic park and do the skeleton and bobsled. We got up that morning and I baked about a pound of delicious pork stomach. Mmmmmm bacon. Along with that we had our traditional cinnamon rolls. Ian insists on the nasty ass orange icing ones, this year 5 guys vetoed him. Fuck that shit, icing should be vanilla and vanilla only. Come que orange!?!??!?!?!?! So we headed out to the park and went through a quick tutorial and soon enough it was our turn to go. We got a basic crash course. Keep your elbows tucked and your shoulders down. Lean with your head. The course is 16 turns I believe, a little over a mile of track….I think. We were starting from the last quarter, the last 4 turns, maybe there are only 12 turns……irrelevant. So, when the Olympians do it, they take off running and jump on the sled mid air. Tourist get a slight walking push. You think it would be lame but its not, after turn 1 thanks to our fun friends physics and gravity you are hauling ass. Nothing like frictionless metal on frozen water. So Im going down and my helmet is kind of fogging and Im not flexible enough to look up and try to steer with my head. So I kind of put my neck down, Ehhh wrong choice joyce, I start to edge closer and closer to walls, bump the inside wall ricochet up the side wall going into the next turn, slam into the wall. Managed to get a scrape even though I had a jacket and padding over my wrist. Ice is not forgiving. The last turn I was just hoping it was over soon and eventually you go up hill to stop. I think my time was about 30 seconds. It didn’t last long as Im one of the lightest mountain men, I have to watch my girlish figure. We all take our turns and watch each other going down the track smoothly. Smoothly = uncontrolled banshees, everyone is dragging the feet or banging wrists, I thought Ian was going to come out of the track. It was pretty epic. Its another check mark that you probably haven’t done. We went down town and had some food and beer. I drank some dark beer from hell called Devastator. It was good just alcoholic. One of the guys had this nasty ass jalapeno cream ale. It tasted like someone poured jalapeno juice into a miller lite. Something Im sure the Mexicans of El Paso would love, just like they love Clamato Michelada Bud Light, yeah grandma Im talking to you. That shit is disgusting. Same goes for Miller Chill. So we headed back to the house and started to play Adios Amigo. And before you start with some sick Spanish butt sex game, its not. It’s a board game involving math and banditos. What else would you expect from a bunch of nerds. You have your bandito and you basically try to kill the other guys whilst doing subtraction or addition. We did this for awhile and then made our way back to the Olympic park because now it was time for one more check mark. Das Bobsled!!!!!! In Das Bobsled, you get to start all the way from where the Olympians start. You are one of three passengers and you have an official driver. It would be too dangerous if they let us drive. We would have had no problem, but regular people might have. You also don’t get do a running start. You get a push off, not a walking push off like in skeleton, just a slight nudge. So I was in team UT vs. Rice, put another way Team Public school vs. Private. The privates had the coach of the famed Disney classic Cool Runnings. We really wanted to ask him about the scandal but we lamented. Anyways since the fatties from private school weigh more than us they had a smoking time. Next was our turn. I was sitting third. Doesn’t really matter, you cant see much anyways. So in our training they tell us to hold onto the side rails, shrug your shoulders and keep your back straight so you can protect your neck. As we are coming out of turn 1 im thinking eh, no big deal, turn 2 and 3 are a horsehoe and then my friendly friends gravity and physics come back to play. Now in the class they said we would hit about 5 or 6 G’s and do about 80 mph. I was like yeah, bring it on, thinking it may come linearly. Nope, not gonna happen, that shit came digitally. We went from about 10-80 in .5 seconds, we went from 1 to 5 G’s coming out of turn 3, my next slammed into my chest, my shoulders crumpled, I felt like I was being put into an anchovy tin. It was all I could do to keep my head up. As we would come out of the next turn the pressure would ease and then BAM, more pressure and was smushed again. It was the longest 50 seconds of my life and I never want to do it again. Oh im happy for my check mark, but fuck that shit. I was sore for the next day or so. That night we headed down to our sushi shop. Last year we had this douchey white guy making our sushi, he kept talking about how hot he was going to make that shit. He just kept adding more and more Sriacha sauce. Well this year he was there again, but I don’t think he recognized us. We proceeded to go through about 200 USD of sushi and beer. Once we were fat dumb and happy we made our way back to hotel to pass out and play some more board games. You would think we would have gotten chicks, babes, and snow bunnies, but what would you expect from 3 engineers, 2 marketers, and 1 IT guy. Ehh whatever, are salaries are probably bigger.

Sunday

Woke up with much pain in all parts of my body. I think every joint was rocked and I was kind of walking around like Frankenstein, as were the rest of the Mountain Men. Everyone had a bruise or was sore on some part of the body, even with the amount of Coors we drank in the hot tub. Today we went to the Canyons ski resort which is the biggest ski resort in Park City and one of the biggest in the US as well. This thing has something like 4000 skiable acres. Needless to say you cannot tackle the beast in one day. We skied a good chuck of it. Ian had his camera as always and who better than me to pose for the camera. I took some nasty falls but all were in the vain of looking super sexy and fine that and I was trying to impress the new guy. I had one fall where I slid for quite a while and one that sliced my pants. Thank goodness ski boots go half way up your calf. More importantly why are my skis so sharp???? We had our typical lunch. I consists of big manly sandwiches, a box of tomato basil wheat thins, a box of little debbie oatmeal creme pies, and a 6 pack of gatorade. We are so hood!!! That night we went to dinner, our last night of over excess calories consumption. Beer, pizza, chicken wings, and dr pepper. Burp burp fart fart, off to bed.

Monday

This was our last day, but we werent leaving until the late afternoon. So we skied half day at Park City. I took one more epic fall, slid down the mountain about 100 feet. Felt like cliff hanger where I just couldnt get any traction, mildly shit my pants. Its almost as if the helmet makes me take more risks. After that my legs were pretty much jello, so we stuck to easier runs. I worked on getting more air. I have to get used to not flailing around when Im in the air. And Im not talking big X-Games air, Im talking like 4-6 inches, which feels like 4-6 feet sometimes. But we did that until about noon, and then we were pooped. Came back home and devoured anything that was edible in the house, had a few last Coors, packed up all of our shit and made our way to the airport. I was glad to get rid of the Chevy Menopause. We got a large SUV to haul all of our shit around, we wanted to get a Surburban, but they were all rented. I actually dont even know the name of the car, but it got nicknamed Menopause quickly in the trip because it had no power, we were all uncomfortable and it had loads of blind spots. The guys at enterprise gave us a free upgrade for next time, but I dont think we are going back to Salt Lake any time soon.

So that was our trip, that was the Coors Light Ski Teams Adventure for Eleven.

Hope you all enjoyed.

Sincerely,

Khiones Lover

boston x 4

I guess I dont have any Armenia photos??!?!?!? Sorry, onto the next story.


4 x Boston

So as I have a standing invitation to visit the ladies in Boston, I often take them up on that offer. This year was a little short notice, but nonetheless, they accepted and I made my way to Boston. The week after I returned from Armenia I went to visit them. It was also the week of snowpocalypse 2.0. Everyone was asking me are crazy, are you stupid, why would you visit Boston in the winter. Have you seen the weather, you’re never going to get there? Most of them are familiar with the Law of Jacob. Law of Jacob so states that everything will work out for me in the end. So as I’m checking the 5 day forecast and the days draw nearer it appears that there is going to be snow Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday and I’m flying Thursday and Sunday. SLR baby, S-L-R.

Thursday
Wake up in the morning feeling like P.diddy….ooops, wrong start. Woke up in the morning and its butt cold. It was 6 degrees F, that’s – 14 C, for all my foreign pals. My hybrid was not happy with me, it didn’t want to move or wakeup, ‘sta loco waking me up this early, mucho hace frio culo!!! Yeah yeah I know, but I need to go to the airport so get to driving, you’ll warm up as soon as you warm up. Within about a mile my car was good to go and driving down the highway. Arrive at the airport and I’m checked in all the way through, no problems, no delays, and I even got all of my upgrades. As is written in the Law of Jacob, so shall it be. The runways in Dallas and Boston are covered in ice, but since they are both prepared for this kind of weather there’s nothing but smooth sailing. Landed in Boston and it was 24 compared to the high of 9 that it was in AZ, whose laughing now muthafuckahhhhs. Damn near a heat wave in comparison. It had really snowed Tuesday and Wednesday, the snow was piled up, feet upon feet. Catherine was stuck in traffic and beyond apologetic, not needed, but she wouldn’t relent. We stopped by Whole Foods to bash the hippies…..I mean to pick up food for dinner. We were having tacos at my request. I was busy checking out the sites, Catherine, meanwhile, was on a mission to get in and get out, she kept snapping at me, YOU BETTER KEEP UP, DON’T MAKE ME COME FIND YOU, yes mother. And one point she sent me to get sour cream. Not really a hard task if you are at a local grocery store. You have store brand full/low/no fat and name brand full/low/no fat. But at Whole Foods you have about 31 flavors under the sun. I was actually getting worried. I stood standing there mercifully staring at an entire wall of cream, thinking please oh please will one of you stand out and say pick me I’m the one that Catherine wants and you won’t get yelled at if you pick me. It didn’t happen, Catherine showed up smiling as if you she knew what I was thinking, saw the worry in my eyes, and said get that one please. I thought how do you know that that’s the right one out of 31, I mean there’s only a 3.2% chance I would have chosen that one. She said come and that I forgot the whole matter. We got to Chester Avenue, aka Jacobs harem and met the girls who I would be sleeping with the next 3 nights. We all had separate bedroom….sigh. They were so happy to see me, they were even happier when I broke out with the wine. Oooh, you can stay, they said in unison. As Catherine cooked, I regaled them with tales of travel in faraway lands and for the most part they were buying my bullshit. It was a good thing the wine was so tasty. They all had to work the next day, so they went to bed and I stayed up and chatted with Catherine until she couldn’t stand it anymore.

Friday
Woke up and Catherine made breakfast sandwiches. Eggs, bacon, and whole wheat English muffins. Man that was good. We got dressed and went out…..well first I took a shower. Now let’s talk about that for a couple of lines. Showering at my place, ehh, Irish spring soap and a giant 84 oz bottle of 2-1 that cost 2 bucks, in and out and you go on with your day. Showering in a house that is full of girls, is like walking through soap, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, face peel, moisturizing, nourishing, coloring, cream, gel, paste, aisle at Target….it never ends, and the choices are unlimited. There was more real estate dedicated to products than mid-town Manhattan. I kind of felt like I was looking at the sour creams again. I didn’t know what to do so I just went for it. Over the next few days I test drove every liquid in there, I spelled prettier than a newborn baby,: sugary, cinnamony, flowery, minty, and all the other nice ways to describe girl smells. Eventually I got out of the shower and Catherine was looking at me like I was a damn fool. Whatever, I made her smell me, she couldn’t complain after that. So we got dressed and ran some errands. We went to the UPS store, and then went to some fancy bourgy cupcake store near Harvard. It was a like a Sprinkles, but not. I don’t eat frosting and so Catherine asked if she could eat my frosting and I thought, where is a KD Lady when I need one. That was the perfect setup. Next we went and had a light lunch at a pizza place. I had the fancy mushroom, bell pepper; eggplant on wheat with water, Catherine had pepperoni with a coke. This was the first of many role reversals we shared that weekend. Next we went for a walk and then for a drive. We had some really good conversations and Catherine asked isn’t there anything you want to do. I said no, I’ve done everything there is to do culturally and historically, I’m good. And the next sentence out of me absolutely melted her heart. I just want to hang out with my friend and have her undivided attention. She did that closed smiled, tilt your head, blush that all girls do. I’m pretty good at getting that response. The invitation was extended indefinitely. We only had a light lunch because that night we were going to this fancy dinner. Catherine’s boss is part owner in a restaurant so Catherine managed to get a gift certificate to this place. It was for a 3 course meal including wine. It sounded fun, so I wanted to make sure I was plenty hungry for the event. This place was near the Charles River and it was very eclectic, I don’t like that word, but that is the best word to describe it. In the restaurant you had patrons in tuxedos and gowns all the way to scrubby old me. We got some wine, the girls got some red wine, I got sauvignon Blanc and they both immediately rolled their eyes. HEY, I don’t have to put up with this crap. I’m a freaking Executive Platinum member and I’ve had lots of fancy meals on airplanes thank you very little. Next we had appetizers, Catherine ordered these bacon wrapped dates. I thought I orgasmed right in the restaurant. If you can imagine the greatest sweetest salty appetizer there ever was you wouldn’t come close because you would had to have multiplied it by 10 to understand how good this seemingly uninviting appetizer tasted. I mean man alive, bacon…check, dates….ehh kinda check…..bacon wrapped dates….will you marry me!!! The rest of the dinner I had muscles and duck and ice cream and bread and some pizza and some pork. But you never forget your first time. Next we headed to a bar and I proceeded to leave soberville. I don’t even know what I was drinking, but I drank too fast or I drank too much and proceeded to start talking louder and louder and then I was convinced I could rap. On the drive home, I slurred through Ludacris about 8 times. Got home and went to bed.

Saturday
Woke up feeling a little thirsty. After a night of drinking and talking loudly I usually have a voice akin to Barry White. I was talking to one of the girls and I felt like my voice was extra bassy and boomy. It could have been that they have a wooden floored house and things just resonate, I’ll take it that I was extra testosteroney. So we got up and Catherine made me my bacon egg sandwich, thank you, much obliged. Then we hung out and watched TV and then some way or another we decided to play Disney Trivial Pursuit. I think it had to do something with running my mouth and some point, so it was time to put up or shut up. We invited the other girls but they were being lame, shopping or doing taxes. Don’t they know I’m only in town once a year or less? So we break out the board game and I have to say I knew more than I thought I did. Huhh, I know that, ohh is the answer this. YES DAMNIT, Catherine shouted. How did you know that? Idk!!! We went back and forth for awhile; I was up by at least one pie piece at all times. Then I went on a terror and answered like four questions in a row, started popping and locking all over the place, Catherine was not amused. I filled up the pie and worked my way into the middle, eventually landing in the middle and what do you know, I was the victor!!! I think Catherine filled up hers too, but she was too busy dancing around the board to land in the middle. So, I was feeling cocky and decided I wanted to play some more games. So we broke out with ESPN Scene it. Catherine is an avid sports fan, I am not. Nonetheless, I was running my mouth like I was Tony Kornheiser. So, out pops the game and Catherine, for all intents and purposes, destroys me. This was our second role reversal of the trip. Number 3 is coming right up. We were going to the UNH v. Maine Hockey game that night and we needed to leave early for travel and dinner purposes. So we needed to get showered and changed. Well there is something magical about this house on Chester. They have a big Jacuzzi bath tub that just so happens to fit me and all 40 inches of my legs. So I was running my mouth, per usual, and kept threatening to take a bubble bath. The girls kept saying do it, have fun, knock yourself out. So I said fine. Grabbed me some beer and proceeded to have a manly bubble bath if that is even possible. I was really sure what to do with all the bubble bath soap, bath salts, bath cubes; it was pretty foreign to me. So I winged it, little bit of this, little dash of that and before you know it viola. There were just as many choices for the bubble bath as there was the shower. So I helped myself yet again. I found a bottle that said clay mask on it. I thought I wonder if this is the same thing you see in sitcoms. I opened it up and sure enough it was green….and sure enough I put it on my face. Then I turned on the bubbles, took a sip of beer, and just drifted away. I then heard a knock on the door, the girls wanted to come see for themselves. I was actually a little nervous and slightly blushing as even this was a little gay for me. So I figured what the hell, they are seeing anything they haven’t seen before. They walked in and all of them had their camera phones. Do you mind, they said in unison. I thought, fuck, this is going to be on Facebook within the minute. I lamented and figured, the beer would save me. It didn’t……Facebook lit up with comments immediately, people liking it and putting in their two cents. I managed to get another beer out of Catherine for my participation. So I finished my bath and my skin felt awesome, just saying. We got changed up and headed out to Portsmouth, New Hampshire, there was a brewery there and I’m all about new breweries. Had some wicked awesome nachos, WICKED AWESOME!!! The beer was good too. Then we headed over to UNH for the game. The atmosphere was really cool. UNH Maine is similar to UTEP NMSU or UT A&M, just no love loss. Whoever you root for, the opposing team is full of cocksuckers. I was told under no circumstance was I to root for Maine. I am a smart man and choose my battles with Catherine wisely. I decided not to poke the bear on this one. We got to our seats and the first thing out of my mouth was, FUCK YOU MAINE. I might have shouted FUCK YOU MAINE, oh about 107 times. Catherine loved it, but was getting kind of embarrassed, Jacob you are really shouting that a lot. When in Rome you know. I learned lots of new things about hockey, traditions, chants, nasty dead fish. Have you ever heard of a sieve, yeah me neither? Its pronounced siv, it’s a colander or what I like to call a strainer. Well crazy New Englanders call them sieves; it’s very apropos to the game of hockey. If the goaltender lets a shot get by he was acting like something with holes in it. Get it? Makes sense. They have a loud speaker system there and every song that comes on comes on for a reason. The student section changes the lyrics and inserts sieve. There were also fun chants like, Give me an S – E – X, what does that spell, sex, what is it good for, score score, score. Give me an O – R – G – Y, what does that spell, orgy, what is good for, teamwork teamwork, teamwork. There was another one like that. My favorite though was to the tune of If you’re happy and you know it. If you can’t get into college go to Maine. If you can’t get into college go to Maine. If you can’t get into college and you don’t need any knowledge, if you can’t get into college go to Maine. Too funny!!! We randomly saw my boyfriend and his wife. Adam is the coolest guy in New England, he’s cool, but mostly he’s cool because he’s the only other guy around and I have someone to talk to. He also has a strangely powerful addiction to Mexican food. So naturally, we are BFFs. The game ended and UNH won, 5-4. To put that into perspective it’s like an NBA game ending 140-137, which is a lot of damn points, and it ended in the last minute. The goalie was pulled, our goalie did a slide tackle into Maine, stupid fucks, who do they think they are? We drove home and called it a night.

Sunday
Got up and had the same thing for breakfast. Got up kind of early though and chatted with one of the girls for awhile until Sleeping Beauty woke to make my breakfast. There wasn’t much going on in the house that day. Just talking and what not. Showered, which took awhile of course and then headed to the airport. Boston has its own check in for Priority AAccess, that’s what they call the people who can bypass lines and such. When I strolled up, someone airport worker tried to tell me I couldn’t check in there; I assured her I was allowed, she didn’t believe, and since she has no authority over me I just walked around her. I checked in and when I showed her my first class ticket she was not too happy about it. The security line for me was actually longer than the general public. Thanks in part to the stupid use of the x-ray machine. I’m not going to on a tangent about the TSA; you all know how I feel about those retards. So the TSA agent who was working our line mentioned we should move over to the general public area where they were zipping by because they just had to go through the metal detector. Our line was snaking around a pole when I decided to switch. I cut through this family, not in front of them, through them. Here’s some background information. Mr. White, is wearing a suit, a quick look at his boarding pass and he’s Platinum. His wife and child are in tow. The wife is wearing sweat pants and UGGs; my absolute least favorite outfit on a woman, the kid is pulling his Thomas the Tank miniature kid size roller board. You may be asking yourself, Jacob, why didn’t you push them down the stairs. I’m not that big of a hater, I just basically hate crappy white people. Well the gap between mama bear and kid widens; enough that I can squeeze by, so I do. Mama bear loses her shit, Um sir there is a line, and as she says it she tries to close the gap, pssshhhh too late, my skinny ass is through and she is giving me the stink eye. I was through security and watched as it took her twenty more minutes. I win again. So I’m sitting at the gate on a warm sunny day and my flight is delayed for who knows what reason. I think I heard someone say that the inbound plane had been delayed due to weather. Fine we take off about an hour late. Family McWhite lines up in the Priority AAccess lane and she looks back at me as if to show off that her man is Platinum and that she is boarding ahead of me. I have first class but I refused to associate myself with them. So they have about 3 rounds of boarding before general population is allowed to get on. I get on with that last group, so I don’t have to wait on the jet bridge. I’m behind the O’White family. We are entering in the middle of the plane, so coach takes a right and first takes a left. The Whitesons take a right, I take my left. Mrs. Whitemore looks bad at me and is fuming that I didn’t follow her down. Yes yes Mrs. Whiteing, this lanky kid with no fashion sense will be the first off the plane in the event of emergency. I win…..again. We touch down in Dallas and my flight is delayed for like three hours. I end up watching most of the Super bowl in the airport. Got on our flight to Tucson and drove home after that. Nothing else memorable to report.
Much love and appreciation to Catherine, Joanna, Kirsten, and Nicole. Thanks for putting up with me and I can’t wait to see you again.

Love,

Jakey Wakey

double armenia

Double Armenia
Well were off to a New Year and back to Armenia. I didn’t have the best time in Armenia last year so I wasn’t totally looking forward to the trip, but it ended up being super splendid this time and heres why.

Thursday
Left America but didn’t get an upgrade over the ocean. That’s twice in a row, what gives!?!? I was in the exit row but it was super cold, I don’t remember it being that cold. I had about three blankets and I still thought it was cold.

Friday
We got to London and I took about a three hour nap on a bench, very nice I must say. Had some lunch, I always like eating there because I think they have the best salt and vinegar chips. Its actually sea salt and balsamic vinegar, I know right, ooh lala. So we had a few more hours in London and then we got on our flight to Armenia which was about 5 hours away. I watched the Social Network, twice, I couldn’t sleep. BMI, which is British Midland International has some of the smallest coach seats Ive ever been on, second only to JAL I think. That’s Japan Airlines, sorry sometimes I speak in airline jargon.

Saturday
So we arrived and it took us about 40 minutes to get through customs, because we had to go through a special line for our visa waivers. Got our luggage and made it to the hotel about 230 or so. Got checked in and went and got some water since the water there is not good. Came back flipped through some channels and found some Russian porn, yeah, you know what Im talking about, it was pretty mainstream they just happened to be speaking Russian. Woke up and it was still Saturday, got up, grabbed my coworker and we made it out for some lunch and then headed to the street bazaar. A lot of crap and when I say crap I mean crap. You need a screw that fits a 1979 Hoover vacuum, they got it. You need an old school dental drill, they got it. Dog collar, painting, USSR medals, tapestries, hot bread, watch, wood carvings, you name it they have it and they want you to buy. We did that for awhile and then made our way back for a short meeting. The rest of that day I watched Australian Open until it was time for dinner. I didn’t have the best culinary experience last year but this year there was a new restaurant, which turned into my favorite restaurant; I ended up eating there four times. I had a few glasses of this wine that I remembered from last year, its pretty sweet, but very tasty. I had a nice lamb dish, with this red pepper chutney and some fried potatoes, man alive it was good. I hurried back because I had a massage that night. It was really awesome, because it included a gluteal massage. The chick came in ripped down my pants and began to massage my ass, ohh yeah oil my ass, massage it all freaky naughty, just kidding, it was a very professional massage of my derrière muscles. Think I fell asleep twice, that’s how you know it’s a good massage.

Sunday
Got up had some breakfast then made my way down to the work area. Did some stuff and then it was off to a new pizzeria. I remembered this place from last year, but don’t remember eating there because it was really tasty. A lot of times pizzas in Europe come with a man made meat, its good, but its not pepperoni, well this meat was the closest thing Ive had to US pepperoni in Europe or Asia or wherever I was. I know you should eat like the locals, but sometimes eating like the locals includes eating corn on my pizza or tuna and Im just not down with that. This time I got the best of both worlds. Since it was a lot of food and I didn’t want to ruin my dinner I didn’t finish it, well my coworkers felt the same way, and I got to take their pizza home, win win for the jake meister!! Getting that pizza into the fridge was quite a test. I had to take out the entire mini bar supplies and bend the pizza and then fold the pizza and then slam the cardboard box into the refrigerator. It still tasted good the next days, but it wasn’t pretty. Went back down, did some work and then headed back to my new favorite restaurant. Went with different coworkers because the other was getting sick or trying to get over his illness. This time I had an awesome fried chicken dish with French fries and more of that delicious wine. Went back home watched some Metalocalypse, that show is excellent, and then called it a night.

Monday
Aww man, jet lag finally kicked in. I woke up at like 4 am that day. Not to worry, put on some power metal, checked for cancer, and did some body weight pushups and then headed down to breakfast. Monday was our first real day of work and it was pretty busy, lunch and dinner came really fast. I went up to my room and watched the Australian Open, it was nice to be able to watch it live, we were only about 5 time zones behind Australia. I did that all week, saw everything except for the championships matches. That night I went back out to dinner at the Pizza place, had a chicken dish with pomegranate chutney thing; they like chutney there, had some more wine and then watched some Metalocalypse and called it a night.

Tuesday
Still jet lagging, got up at some time way before my alarm. Not sure what I did that morning, but I eventually went to breakfast. Tuesday was the opening ceremonies of course, little administrative remarks, little roll call of nations, little picture taking. That day was very hectic, I did a lot of entries into the database for users and their equipment. This round of conferences Im wearing 5 hats, one for the regular system, one for trouble ticketing system, one for network assessment, one for data tests, and one for services based testing. Yes I am the man and everyone knows it. That night we had out ice breaker, it was held at the brandy and wine factory again. I enjoyed it much more since I was not hung-over this year. The 98 and 67 year old wine was really nice as was the 15 and 25 year old cognac. I cant remember if explained the whole cognac situation last year. According to the WTO, only brandy from the cognac region of France can be called cognac. Well, France really likes Armenia or really admires their brandy so they allow them to call their brandy cognac. Its all distilled grape wine, but you know people are sticklers for tradition and rules and such. They only had about 30 minutes of alcohol, meaning I had about 4 drinks, samples is more like it, and then we took off not wanting to wait for the buses. We headed back to my new favorite restaurant and I had some other dish on the menu; I cannot remember which though. Again went back and watched a few more episodes of Metalocalypse.

Wednesday
This was our first full full day of working. I worked with some other groups I belong too and everything went well. I know I had whined a little bit about Italy because all my friends had gone, well I made some new friends this trip and so I hung out with them this time and Im looking forward to seeing them again. Watched more Australian Open during the day and Im not sure where I went for dinner this time. Just kidding I went back to my favorite restaurant.

Thursday
Was another full day of work and meetings and that night was our cultural dinner. It was at another location than last year. I sat with mostly Americans but not Americans from work so it was cool. The food was really good and so was the vodka, yeah vodka is like an appetizer for them. We went through a few bottles. Then we drank some more wine and some other liquors.

Friday
Whew, not too many people showed up to work first thing in the morning. The Commander was a little ticked and a litter perturbed. I know because he told me. We only worked about ½ a day and then we cleaned up and went to the out brief. That afternoon I chilled in my room and watched a movie. Then I went back to dinner at the pizza place went home and called it a night since we were getting up in a few hours.

Saturday
Or should I say Friday night. I got up at 150 since I had to be down for the bus at 230. Got up brushed my teeth and drug my shit down to the lobby to go wait in the rain with the bus. Our flight wasn’t until 530, so I don’t know why we needed 3 hours but we did. The flight back to London sucked ass. I was in a middle seat and there was nothing to do or watch or say except sit there. Luckily I had a powered up ipod, but man alive I was super uncomfortable. Luckily I had an upgrade going over the ocean. I went to the lounge in London and took a shower, ate some breakfast, ate some lunch, watched more Metalocaplyse because we had about a 4 hour layover in London. Got on the plane, ate, watched two movies and proceeded to sleep for the next 6 hours. Talk about the greatest utilization of business I have ever completed, my previous record was for 5 hours, boo yeah. Arrived in Dallas and only had about a 2 hour layover, so after we finished with customs and immigration we basically got on board for our flight to Tucson. Easy peasy 2 hour flight. Got to Tucson, but my luggage didn’t. I had to go file a claim with AA, ohh the joys of travel how I love thee. Went to my cousins house, chilled there, and went to sleep.

Sunday
Went to the airport, got my stuff, drove home, missions complete.

Thank you Armenia for a much better time this time,

Jacob

costa freakin rican picturas

The reason most of these pictures look nice is because cousin took all the photos and I just stole them from here. Away we go.....


tuxedo and tiara, thank you open bar

getting ready to do the zip line

we ride horse and the short bus to school

horses up in the mountain

the pool at the resort

alligators and/or crocodiles

raccoons

monkeys

playa

favorite sports illustrated picture kicking the crap out of costa ricans

boardwalk

sunset

mas sunset

ditto

mas

tortuga island

parrot

piggys like imperial

they crave it

then they take naps

you should put costa rica on your short list,

see you next week

jacob