boston x 4

I guess I dont have any Armenia photos??!?!?!? Sorry, onto the next story.


4 x Boston

So as I have a standing invitation to visit the ladies in Boston, I often take them up on that offer. This year was a little short notice, but nonetheless, they accepted and I made my way to Boston. The week after I returned from Armenia I went to visit them. It was also the week of snowpocalypse 2.0. Everyone was asking me are crazy, are you stupid, why would you visit Boston in the winter. Have you seen the weather, you’re never going to get there? Most of them are familiar with the Law of Jacob. Law of Jacob so states that everything will work out for me in the end. So as I’m checking the 5 day forecast and the days draw nearer it appears that there is going to be snow Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday and I’m flying Thursday and Sunday. SLR baby, S-L-R.

Thursday
Wake up in the morning feeling like P.diddy….ooops, wrong start. Woke up in the morning and its butt cold. It was 6 degrees F, that’s – 14 C, for all my foreign pals. My hybrid was not happy with me, it didn’t want to move or wakeup, ‘sta loco waking me up this early, mucho hace frio culo!!! Yeah yeah I know, but I need to go to the airport so get to driving, you’ll warm up as soon as you warm up. Within about a mile my car was good to go and driving down the highway. Arrive at the airport and I’m checked in all the way through, no problems, no delays, and I even got all of my upgrades. As is written in the Law of Jacob, so shall it be. The runways in Dallas and Boston are covered in ice, but since they are both prepared for this kind of weather there’s nothing but smooth sailing. Landed in Boston and it was 24 compared to the high of 9 that it was in AZ, whose laughing now muthafuckahhhhs. Damn near a heat wave in comparison. It had really snowed Tuesday and Wednesday, the snow was piled up, feet upon feet. Catherine was stuck in traffic and beyond apologetic, not needed, but she wouldn’t relent. We stopped by Whole Foods to bash the hippies…..I mean to pick up food for dinner. We were having tacos at my request. I was busy checking out the sites, Catherine, meanwhile, was on a mission to get in and get out, she kept snapping at me, YOU BETTER KEEP UP, DON’T MAKE ME COME FIND YOU, yes mother. And one point she sent me to get sour cream. Not really a hard task if you are at a local grocery store. You have store brand full/low/no fat and name brand full/low/no fat. But at Whole Foods you have about 31 flavors under the sun. I was actually getting worried. I stood standing there mercifully staring at an entire wall of cream, thinking please oh please will one of you stand out and say pick me I’m the one that Catherine wants and you won’t get yelled at if you pick me. It didn’t happen, Catherine showed up smiling as if you she knew what I was thinking, saw the worry in my eyes, and said get that one please. I thought how do you know that that’s the right one out of 31, I mean there’s only a 3.2% chance I would have chosen that one. She said come and that I forgot the whole matter. We got to Chester Avenue, aka Jacobs harem and met the girls who I would be sleeping with the next 3 nights. We all had separate bedroom….sigh. They were so happy to see me, they were even happier when I broke out with the wine. Oooh, you can stay, they said in unison. As Catherine cooked, I regaled them with tales of travel in faraway lands and for the most part they were buying my bullshit. It was a good thing the wine was so tasty. They all had to work the next day, so they went to bed and I stayed up and chatted with Catherine until she couldn’t stand it anymore.

Friday
Woke up and Catherine made breakfast sandwiches. Eggs, bacon, and whole wheat English muffins. Man that was good. We got dressed and went out…..well first I took a shower. Now let’s talk about that for a couple of lines. Showering at my place, ehh, Irish spring soap and a giant 84 oz bottle of 2-1 that cost 2 bucks, in and out and you go on with your day. Showering in a house that is full of girls, is like walking through soap, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, face peel, moisturizing, nourishing, coloring, cream, gel, paste, aisle at Target….it never ends, and the choices are unlimited. There was more real estate dedicated to products than mid-town Manhattan. I kind of felt like I was looking at the sour creams again. I didn’t know what to do so I just went for it. Over the next few days I test drove every liquid in there, I spelled prettier than a newborn baby,: sugary, cinnamony, flowery, minty, and all the other nice ways to describe girl smells. Eventually I got out of the shower and Catherine was looking at me like I was a damn fool. Whatever, I made her smell me, she couldn’t complain after that. So we got dressed and ran some errands. We went to the UPS store, and then went to some fancy bourgy cupcake store near Harvard. It was a like a Sprinkles, but not. I don’t eat frosting and so Catherine asked if she could eat my frosting and I thought, where is a KD Lady when I need one. That was the perfect setup. Next we went and had a light lunch at a pizza place. I had the fancy mushroom, bell pepper; eggplant on wheat with water, Catherine had pepperoni with a coke. This was the first of many role reversals we shared that weekend. Next we went for a walk and then for a drive. We had some really good conversations and Catherine asked isn’t there anything you want to do. I said no, I’ve done everything there is to do culturally and historically, I’m good. And the next sentence out of me absolutely melted her heart. I just want to hang out with my friend and have her undivided attention. She did that closed smiled, tilt your head, blush that all girls do. I’m pretty good at getting that response. The invitation was extended indefinitely. We only had a light lunch because that night we were going to this fancy dinner. Catherine’s boss is part owner in a restaurant so Catherine managed to get a gift certificate to this place. It was for a 3 course meal including wine. It sounded fun, so I wanted to make sure I was plenty hungry for the event. This place was near the Charles River and it was very eclectic, I don’t like that word, but that is the best word to describe it. In the restaurant you had patrons in tuxedos and gowns all the way to scrubby old me. We got some wine, the girls got some red wine, I got sauvignon Blanc and they both immediately rolled their eyes. HEY, I don’t have to put up with this crap. I’m a freaking Executive Platinum member and I’ve had lots of fancy meals on airplanes thank you very little. Next we had appetizers, Catherine ordered these bacon wrapped dates. I thought I orgasmed right in the restaurant. If you can imagine the greatest sweetest salty appetizer there ever was you wouldn’t come close because you would had to have multiplied it by 10 to understand how good this seemingly uninviting appetizer tasted. I mean man alive, bacon…check, dates….ehh kinda check…..bacon wrapped dates….will you marry me!!! The rest of the dinner I had muscles and duck and ice cream and bread and some pizza and some pork. But you never forget your first time. Next we headed to a bar and I proceeded to leave soberville. I don’t even know what I was drinking, but I drank too fast or I drank too much and proceeded to start talking louder and louder and then I was convinced I could rap. On the drive home, I slurred through Ludacris about 8 times. Got home and went to bed.

Saturday
Woke up feeling a little thirsty. After a night of drinking and talking loudly I usually have a voice akin to Barry White. I was talking to one of the girls and I felt like my voice was extra bassy and boomy. It could have been that they have a wooden floored house and things just resonate, I’ll take it that I was extra testosteroney. So we got up and Catherine made me my bacon egg sandwich, thank you, much obliged. Then we hung out and watched TV and then some way or another we decided to play Disney Trivial Pursuit. I think it had to do something with running my mouth and some point, so it was time to put up or shut up. We invited the other girls but they were being lame, shopping or doing taxes. Don’t they know I’m only in town once a year or less? So we break out the board game and I have to say I knew more than I thought I did. Huhh, I know that, ohh is the answer this. YES DAMNIT, Catherine shouted. How did you know that? Idk!!! We went back and forth for awhile; I was up by at least one pie piece at all times. Then I went on a terror and answered like four questions in a row, started popping and locking all over the place, Catherine was not amused. I filled up the pie and worked my way into the middle, eventually landing in the middle and what do you know, I was the victor!!! I think Catherine filled up hers too, but she was too busy dancing around the board to land in the middle. So, I was feeling cocky and decided I wanted to play some more games. So we broke out with ESPN Scene it. Catherine is an avid sports fan, I am not. Nonetheless, I was running my mouth like I was Tony Kornheiser. So, out pops the game and Catherine, for all intents and purposes, destroys me. This was our second role reversal of the trip. Number 3 is coming right up. We were going to the UNH v. Maine Hockey game that night and we needed to leave early for travel and dinner purposes. So we needed to get showered and changed. Well there is something magical about this house on Chester. They have a big Jacuzzi bath tub that just so happens to fit me and all 40 inches of my legs. So I was running my mouth, per usual, and kept threatening to take a bubble bath. The girls kept saying do it, have fun, knock yourself out. So I said fine. Grabbed me some beer and proceeded to have a manly bubble bath if that is even possible. I was really sure what to do with all the bubble bath soap, bath salts, bath cubes; it was pretty foreign to me. So I winged it, little bit of this, little dash of that and before you know it viola. There were just as many choices for the bubble bath as there was the shower. So I helped myself yet again. I found a bottle that said clay mask on it. I thought I wonder if this is the same thing you see in sitcoms. I opened it up and sure enough it was green….and sure enough I put it on my face. Then I turned on the bubbles, took a sip of beer, and just drifted away. I then heard a knock on the door, the girls wanted to come see for themselves. I was actually a little nervous and slightly blushing as even this was a little gay for me. So I figured what the hell, they are seeing anything they haven’t seen before. They walked in and all of them had their camera phones. Do you mind, they said in unison. I thought, fuck, this is going to be on Facebook within the minute. I lamented and figured, the beer would save me. It didn’t……Facebook lit up with comments immediately, people liking it and putting in their two cents. I managed to get another beer out of Catherine for my participation. So I finished my bath and my skin felt awesome, just saying. We got changed up and headed out to Portsmouth, New Hampshire, there was a brewery there and I’m all about new breweries. Had some wicked awesome nachos, WICKED AWESOME!!! The beer was good too. Then we headed over to UNH for the game. The atmosphere was really cool. UNH Maine is similar to UTEP NMSU or UT A&M, just no love loss. Whoever you root for, the opposing team is full of cocksuckers. I was told under no circumstance was I to root for Maine. I am a smart man and choose my battles with Catherine wisely. I decided not to poke the bear on this one. We got to our seats and the first thing out of my mouth was, FUCK YOU MAINE. I might have shouted FUCK YOU MAINE, oh about 107 times. Catherine loved it, but was getting kind of embarrassed, Jacob you are really shouting that a lot. When in Rome you know. I learned lots of new things about hockey, traditions, chants, nasty dead fish. Have you ever heard of a sieve, yeah me neither? Its pronounced siv, it’s a colander or what I like to call a strainer. Well crazy New Englanders call them sieves; it’s very apropos to the game of hockey. If the goaltender lets a shot get by he was acting like something with holes in it. Get it? Makes sense. They have a loud speaker system there and every song that comes on comes on for a reason. The student section changes the lyrics and inserts sieve. There were also fun chants like, Give me an S – E – X, what does that spell, sex, what is it good for, score score, score. Give me an O – R – G – Y, what does that spell, orgy, what is good for, teamwork teamwork, teamwork. There was another one like that. My favorite though was to the tune of If you’re happy and you know it. If you can’t get into college go to Maine. If you can’t get into college go to Maine. If you can’t get into college and you don’t need any knowledge, if you can’t get into college go to Maine. Too funny!!! We randomly saw my boyfriend and his wife. Adam is the coolest guy in New England, he’s cool, but mostly he’s cool because he’s the only other guy around and I have someone to talk to. He also has a strangely powerful addiction to Mexican food. So naturally, we are BFFs. The game ended and UNH won, 5-4. To put that into perspective it’s like an NBA game ending 140-137, which is a lot of damn points, and it ended in the last minute. The goalie was pulled, our goalie did a slide tackle into Maine, stupid fucks, who do they think they are? We drove home and called it a night.

Sunday
Got up and had the same thing for breakfast. Got up kind of early though and chatted with one of the girls for awhile until Sleeping Beauty woke to make my breakfast. There wasn’t much going on in the house that day. Just talking and what not. Showered, which took awhile of course and then headed to the airport. Boston has its own check in for Priority AAccess, that’s what they call the people who can bypass lines and such. When I strolled up, someone airport worker tried to tell me I couldn’t check in there; I assured her I was allowed, she didn’t believe, and since she has no authority over me I just walked around her. I checked in and when I showed her my first class ticket she was not too happy about it. The security line for me was actually longer than the general public. Thanks in part to the stupid use of the x-ray machine. I’m not going to on a tangent about the TSA; you all know how I feel about those retards. So the TSA agent who was working our line mentioned we should move over to the general public area where they were zipping by because they just had to go through the metal detector. Our line was snaking around a pole when I decided to switch. I cut through this family, not in front of them, through them. Here’s some background information. Mr. White, is wearing a suit, a quick look at his boarding pass and he’s Platinum. His wife and child are in tow. The wife is wearing sweat pants and UGGs; my absolute least favorite outfit on a woman, the kid is pulling his Thomas the Tank miniature kid size roller board. You may be asking yourself, Jacob, why didn’t you push them down the stairs. I’m not that big of a hater, I just basically hate crappy white people. Well the gap between mama bear and kid widens; enough that I can squeeze by, so I do. Mama bear loses her shit, Um sir there is a line, and as she says it she tries to close the gap, pssshhhh too late, my skinny ass is through and she is giving me the stink eye. I was through security and watched as it took her twenty more minutes. I win again. So I’m sitting at the gate on a warm sunny day and my flight is delayed for who knows what reason. I think I heard someone say that the inbound plane had been delayed due to weather. Fine we take off about an hour late. Family McWhite lines up in the Priority AAccess lane and she looks back at me as if to show off that her man is Platinum and that she is boarding ahead of me. I have first class but I refused to associate myself with them. So they have about 3 rounds of boarding before general population is allowed to get on. I get on with that last group, so I don’t have to wait on the jet bridge. I’m behind the O’White family. We are entering in the middle of the plane, so coach takes a right and first takes a left. The Whitesons take a right, I take my left. Mrs. Whitemore looks bad at me and is fuming that I didn’t follow her down. Yes yes Mrs. Whiteing, this lanky kid with no fashion sense will be the first off the plane in the event of emergency. I win…..again. We touch down in Dallas and my flight is delayed for like three hours. I end up watching most of the Super bowl in the airport. Got on our flight to Tucson and drove home after that. Nothing else memorable to report.
Much love and appreciation to Catherine, Joanna, Kirsten, and Nicole. Thanks for putting up with me and I can’t wait to see you again.

Love,

Jakey Wakey