Mis-Adventures in Bachelorhood

Monday, July 4, 2011

Mountain Men 11

Yo, time for the Coors Light Ski Team to make their annual trek to the ski slopes. This year we had two new participants who in the end were initiated and made whole members of the Mountain Men and the Coors Light Skit Team.

Thursday

I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to make it to this trip. It was the same week of a proposed Australia trip and I wasn’t sure if I was going to be going on that trip. Luckily or Unfortunately, depending on who you are talking to I wasn’t selected for the trip and got to go hang out with my boys. Flight was fine to Salt Lake City. I was flying through Phoenix and as I was the first to arrive so I was the car rental guy for this trip. Through discussions it was determined that we would get a large SUV, in hindsight we should have gotten a luxury SUV or a minivan. So we picked up our car and it was this GM thing, we nicknamed it the menopause because it was a vehicle lacking power, it was small, and basically all things equaling it to being on the rag. The rest of the crew, 6 in total, got in within about 1.5 hours of me. We had set up this group phone number where we could have conference calls and group text messaging. From the outset the messages were all basically gay-sex related messages and calling each other out for having sand in their vaginas. As it turns out, we all have lots of sand in our vaginas according to each other. We picked up a couple of guys, made a trip to the state liquor store, so we could get some alcohol and some full strength beer. The beer there is only 3% in the store, if you want full strength then you have to go to the state liquor store. Since we are the Coors Light Ski Team we go through about a 30 pack a day. We were hoping to get full strength Coors there but no such luck they only sell the pussy version in Utah. Luckily, the two cowboys from Texas brought two 18 packs in their checked baggage. One Light and one Regular, it was pretty epic, all were drinking in my car except for me. You should be allowed to drink while driving there if the beer is that weak. Our tradition is to go to Red Iguanas the first night every trip. Its this place that serves up Tex Mex and it is always packed. We had to wait about an hour but its worth it, had some margaritas, chips and salsa, guac, tacos, beans, rice, and chile con queso. Killed some parking lot beers and made our way back into the car. And then the two cowboys from Texas thought it would be a good idea to go to a titty bar. In the weeks prior they had been searching the google asses off to find a strip club in SLC. Well that shit basically doesn’t exist, if they have 3% beer, then you can bet they don’t have strip clubs. What they do have is bikini bars. Bikini bars don’t server alcohol and the girls wear pasties. Its really quite funny. We had cherry cokes and watched a bunch of girls not shake their junk. White girls usually don’t have asses, some do, most don’t. The ones that do are awesome and keepers. We hung out there for awhile, made it rain, got some lap dances, and then headed back to Park City where we would be staying for the long weekend. We got there about 11 or so and then went to the grocery store and did some major damage. For four days we bought 300 dollars worth of groceries and Im happy to say that only about maybe 10 bucks of it we didn’t consume. Yeah, Mountain Men eat a lot of shit, we shit a lot, then eat some more.

Friday

This was our first day of skiing and we went to Deer Park. It was pretty good skiing most of the trip, unfortunately it got above freezing everyday so it was kind of slushy and icy. Skiing went well, from what I can remember. Lines weren’t too long and I didn’t fall down. After skiing we invade the hop top, it turns into a hot liquid mass of man soup by the time its all said and done. This first night there were about 6 dudes in their when we joined them. They were about 20 years older than us and kind of douchy. We talked and they said we were them 20 years from now, if we are them 20 years from now we will kick our own asses. They were talking about Porsche 911s, bonds, and their wives, and AND sharing cigars. If that’s not he crem de la crem of douchy I don’t know what is. We decided to pay wisest wizard that night. Basically everytime you drink a beer you duct tape the last one to the bottom of your new one. The idea is to create the longest staff. In laymens terms, he who has the biggest dick, wins. I think Ian had the biggest dick, 10 or 11 beers. With the killing of each 30 pack we usually kill two bags of Tysons Anytizers. Anytizers are the sweet bastard lovechild of chicken nuggets and other ingredients. My personal favorite is the chicken nuggets infused with pepperoni pizza, talk about the ultimate. After we finished off pre dinner and then all showered, a feat that takes only 1 hour for 6 dudes, yeah girls you suck, we made our way to this brewery. The place was pretty crowded and we were waiting in the entrance way. We were there standing, talking, and minding our own business. As we are standing there, talking, minding our own business this big group of people is walking out. This guy with a stroller asks one of my friends to move, but he does it kind of rudely. Im guessing said friend maybe saw him in his peripheral vision and moved within time, but it wasn’t quick enough for this guy. So my friend walks into our group and this guy passes. This guy is saying goodbye to all his friend and he keeps looking back at our group. We were right in front of the glass doors so he could see us just fine. He looked perturbed and seemed to be getting more upset. Well the whole time, one of our Texas members is basically mean mugging him and dogging him out the whole entire, every time this guy looks back our guy gets a little more chesty. Finally, said asshole walks back in and gets in my friends face. I think this guy is our tallest member, he and I are about equal but he may have better posture. So this guy is like who do you think you are, you think youre bad, you want to go outside, yadda yadda yadda. Well I don’t know if its because he was with us or because hes just awesome he starts to mouth off to him. Says why don’t you take your stroller and go home, go take your baby for a walk. This guy responds with do you know what I did with guys like you overseas. Said friend asks him politely if it involved sodomy, or maybe something more graphic than that. We all start laughing like hyenas, both guys are straight faced, the rest of us are eyeing the situation, hes not going to be 6 of us if anything should happen. Eventually, his wife comes and makes him leave. We all remind him to go take his stroller home. For the rest of the meal we recount the tale and cant fathom why some dude, a family man would come back in and challenge guys much younger than him and outnumbered. I mean no matter how strong or brave or proud you are, youre old and you have a stroller, go back to your minivan, get some froyo and go to bed. You probably have to get up early for a game of golf or crossword puzzles.

Saturday

Was kind of sort of our day off. We went back to salt lake city because of one reason and one reason alone. To go to the Olympic park and do the skeleton and bobsled. We got up that morning and I baked about a pound of delicious pork stomach. Mmmmmm bacon. Along with that we had our traditional cinnamon rolls. Ian insists on the nasty ass orange icing ones, this year 5 guys vetoed him. Fuck that shit, icing should be vanilla and vanilla only. Come que orange!?!??!?!?!?! So we headed out to the park and went through a quick tutorial and soon enough it was our turn to go. We got a basic crash course. Keep your elbows tucked and your shoulders down. Lean with your head. The course is 16 turns I believe, a little over a mile of track….I think. We were starting from the last quarter, the last 4 turns, maybe there are only 12 turns……irrelevant. So, when the Olympians do it, they take off running and jump on the sled mid air. Tourist get a slight walking push. You think it would be lame but its not, after turn 1 thanks to our fun friends physics and gravity you are hauling ass. Nothing like frictionless metal on frozen water. So Im going down and my helmet is kind of fogging and Im not flexible enough to look up and try to steer with my head. So I kind of put my neck down, Ehhh wrong choice joyce, I start to edge closer and closer to walls, bump the inside wall ricochet up the side wall going into the next turn, slam into the wall. Managed to get a scrape even though I had a jacket and padding over my wrist. Ice is not forgiving. The last turn I was just hoping it was over soon and eventually you go up hill to stop. I think my time was about 30 seconds. It didn’t last long as Im one of the lightest mountain men, I have to watch my girlish figure. We all take our turns and watch each other going down the track smoothly. Smoothly = uncontrolled banshees, everyone is dragging the feet or banging wrists, I thought Ian was going to come out of the track. It was pretty epic. Its another check mark that you probably haven’t done. We went down town and had some food and beer. I drank some dark beer from hell called Devastator. It was good just alcoholic. One of the guys had this nasty ass jalapeno cream ale. It tasted like someone poured jalapeno juice into a miller lite. Something Im sure the Mexicans of El Paso would love, just like they love Clamato Michelada Bud Light, yeah grandma Im talking to you. That shit is disgusting. Same goes for Miller Chill. So we headed back to the house and started to play Adios Amigo. And before you start with some sick Spanish butt sex game, its not. It’s a board game involving math and banditos. What else would you expect from a bunch of nerds. You have your bandito and you basically try to kill the other guys whilst doing subtraction or addition. We did this for awhile and then made our way back to the Olympic park because now it was time for one more check mark. Das Bobsled!!!!!! In Das Bobsled, you get to start all the way from where the Olympians start. You are one of three passengers and you have an official driver. It would be too dangerous if they let us drive. We would have had no problem, but regular people might have. You also don’t get do a running start. You get a push off, not a walking push off like in skeleton, just a slight nudge. So I was in team UT vs. Rice, put another way Team Public school vs. Private. The privates had the coach of the famed Disney classic Cool Runnings. We really wanted to ask him about the scandal but we lamented. Anyways since the fatties from private school weigh more than us they had a smoking time. Next was our turn. I was sitting third. Doesn’t really matter, you cant see much anyways. So in our training they tell us to hold onto the side rails, shrug your shoulders and keep your back straight so you can protect your neck. As we are coming out of turn 1 im thinking eh, no big deal, turn 2 and 3 are a horsehoe and then my friendly friends gravity and physics come back to play. Now in the class they said we would hit about 5 or 6 G’s and do about 80 mph. I was like yeah, bring it on, thinking it may come linearly. Nope, not gonna happen, that shit came digitally. We went from about 10-80 in .5 seconds, we went from 1 to 5 G’s coming out of turn 3, my next slammed into my chest, my shoulders crumpled, I felt like I was being put into an anchovy tin. It was all I could do to keep my head up. As we would come out of the next turn the pressure would ease and then BAM, more pressure and was smushed again. It was the longest 50 seconds of my life and I never want to do it again. Oh im happy for my check mark, but fuck that shit. I was sore for the next day or so. That night we headed down to our sushi shop. Last year we had this douchey white guy making our sushi, he kept talking about how hot he was going to make that shit. He just kept adding more and more Sriacha sauce. Well this year he was there again, but I don’t think he recognized us. We proceeded to go through about 200 USD of sushi and beer. Once we were fat dumb and happy we made our way back to hotel to pass out and play some more board games. You would think we would have gotten chicks, babes, and snow bunnies, but what would you expect from 3 engineers, 2 marketers, and 1 IT guy. Ehh whatever, are salaries are probably bigger.

Sunday

Woke up with much pain in all parts of my body. I think every joint was rocked and I was kind of walking around like Frankenstein, as were the rest of the Mountain Men. Everyone had a bruise or was sore on some part of the body, even with the amount of Coors we drank in the hot tub. Today we went to the Canyons ski resort which is the biggest ski resort in Park City and one of the biggest in the US as well. This thing has something like 4000 skiable acres. Needless to say you cannot tackle the beast in one day. We skied a good chuck of it. Ian had his camera as always and who better than me to pose for the camera. I took some nasty falls but all were in the vain of looking super sexy and fine that and I was trying to impress the new guy. I had one fall where I slid for quite a while and one that sliced my pants. Thank goodness ski boots go half way up your calf. More importantly why are my skis so sharp???? We had our typical lunch. I consists of big manly sandwiches, a box of tomato basil wheat thins, a box of little debbie oatmeal creme pies, and a 6 pack of gatorade. We are so hood!!! That night we went to dinner, our last night of over excess calories consumption. Beer, pizza, chicken wings, and dr pepper. Burp burp fart fart, off to bed.

Monday

This was our last day, but we werent leaving until the late afternoon. So we skied half day at Park City. I took one more epic fall, slid down the mountain about 100 feet. Felt like cliff hanger where I just couldnt get any traction, mildly shit my pants. Its almost as if the helmet makes me take more risks. After that my legs were pretty much jello, so we stuck to easier runs. I worked on getting more air. I have to get used to not flailing around when Im in the air. And Im not talking big X-Games air, Im talking like 4-6 inches, which feels like 4-6 feet sometimes. But we did that until about noon, and then we were pooped. Came back home and devoured anything that was edible in the house, had a few last Coors, packed up all of our shit and made our way to the airport. I was glad to get rid of the Chevy Menopause. We got a large SUV to haul all of our shit around, we wanted to get a Surburban, but they were all rented. I actually dont even know the name of the car, but it got nicknamed Menopause quickly in the trip because it had no power, we were all uncomfortable and it had loads of blind spots. The guys at enterprise gave us a free upgrade for next time, but I dont think we are going back to Salt Lake any time soon.

So that was our trip, that was the Coors Light Ski Teams Adventure for Eleven.

Hope you all enjoyed.

Sincerely,

Khiones Lover

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

boston x 4

I guess I dont have any Armenia photos??!?!?!? Sorry, onto the next story.

4 x Boston

So as I have a standing invitation to visit the ladies in Boston, I often take them up on that offer. This year was a little short notice, but nonetheless, they accepted and I made my way to Boston. The week after I returned from Armenia I went to visit them. It was also the week of snowpocalypse 2.0. Everyone was asking me are crazy, are you stupid, why would you visit Boston in the winter. Have you seen the weather, you’re never going to get there? Most of them are familiar with the Law of Jacob. Law of Jacob so states that everything will work out for me in the end. So as I’m checking the 5 day forecast and the days draw nearer it appears that there is going to be snow Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday and I’m flying Thursday and Sunday. SLR baby, S-L-R.

Thursday
Wake up in the morning feeling like P.diddy….ooops, wrong start. Woke up in the morning and its butt cold. It was 6 degrees F, that’s – 14 C, for all my foreign pals. My hybrid was not happy with me, it didn’t want to move or wakeup, ‘sta loco waking me up this early, mucho hace frio culo!!! Yeah yeah I know, but I need to go to the airport so get to driving, you’ll warm up as soon as you warm up. Within about a mile my car was good to go and driving down the highway. Arrive at the airport and I’m checked in all the way through, no problems, no delays, and I even got all of my upgrades. As is written in the Law of Jacob, so shall it be. The runways in Dallas and Boston are covered in ice, but since they are both prepared for this kind of weather there’s nothing but smooth sailing. Landed in Boston and it was 24 compared to the high of 9 that it was in AZ, whose laughing now muthafuckahhhhs. Damn near a heat wave in comparison. It had really snowed Tuesday and Wednesday, the snow was piled up, feet upon feet. Catherine was stuck in traffic and beyond apologetic, not needed, but she wouldn’t relent. We stopped by Whole Foods to bash the hippies…..I mean to pick up food for dinner. We were having tacos at my request. I was busy checking out the sites, Catherine, meanwhile, was on a mission to get in and get out, she kept snapping at me, YOU BETTER KEEP UP, DON’T MAKE ME COME FIND YOU, yes mother. And one point she sent me to get sour cream. Not really a hard task if you are at a local grocery store. You have store brand full/low/no fat and name brand full/low/no fat. But at Whole Foods you have about 31 flavors under the sun. I was actually getting worried. I stood standing there mercifully staring at an entire wall of cream, thinking please oh please will one of you stand out and say pick me I’m the one that Catherine wants and you won’t get yelled at if you pick me. It didn’t happen, Catherine showed up smiling as if you she knew what I was thinking, saw the worry in my eyes, and said get that one please. I thought how do you know that that’s the right one out of 31, I mean there’s only a 3.2% chance I would have chosen that one. She said come and that I forgot the whole matter. We got to Chester Avenue, aka Jacobs harem and met the girls who I would be sleeping with the next 3 nights. We all had separate bedroom….sigh. They were so happy to see me, they were even happier when I broke out with the wine. Oooh, you can stay, they said in unison. As Catherine cooked, I regaled them with tales of travel in faraway lands and for the most part they were buying my bullshit. It was a good thing the wine was so tasty. They all had to work the next day, so they went to bed and I stayed up and chatted with Catherine until she couldn’t stand it anymore.

Friday
Woke up and Catherine made breakfast sandwiches. Eggs, bacon, and whole wheat English muffins. Man that was good. We got dressed and went out…..well first I took a shower. Now let’s talk about that for a couple of lines. Showering at my place, ehh, Irish spring soap and a giant 84 oz bottle of 2-1 that cost 2 bucks, in and out and you go on with your day. Showering in a house that is full of girls, is like walking through soap, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, face peel, moisturizing, nourishing, coloring, cream, gel, paste, aisle at Target….it never ends, and the choices are unlimited. There was more real estate dedicated to products than mid-town Manhattan. I kind of felt like I was looking at the sour creams again. I didn’t know what to do so I just went for it. Over the next few days I test drove every liquid in there, I spelled prettier than a newborn baby,: sugary, cinnamony, flowery, minty, and all the other nice ways to describe girl smells. Eventually I got out of the shower and Catherine was looking at me like I was a damn fool. Whatever, I made her smell me, she couldn’t complain after that. So we got dressed and ran some errands. We went to the UPS store, and then went to some fancy bourgy cupcake store near Harvard. It was a like a Sprinkles, but not. I don’t eat frosting and so Catherine asked if she could eat my frosting and I thought, where is a KD Lady when I need one. That was the perfect setup. Next we went and had a light lunch at a pizza place. I had the fancy mushroom, bell pepper; eggplant on wheat with water, Catherine had pepperoni with a coke. This was the first of many role reversals we shared that weekend. Next we went for a walk and then for a drive. We had some really good conversations and Catherine asked isn’t there anything you want to do. I said no, I’ve done everything there is to do culturally and historically, I’m good. And the next sentence out of me absolutely melted her heart. I just want to hang out with my friend and have her undivided attention. She did that closed smiled, tilt your head, blush that all girls do. I’m pretty good at getting that response. The invitation was extended indefinitely. We only had a light lunch because that night we were going to this fancy dinner. Catherine’s boss is part owner in a restaurant so Catherine managed to get a gift certificate to this place. It was for a 3 course meal including wine. It sounded fun, so I wanted to make sure I was plenty hungry for the event. This place was near the Charles River and it was very eclectic, I don’t like that word, but that is the best word to describe it. In the restaurant you had patrons in tuxedos and gowns all the way to scrubby old me. We got some wine, the girls got some red wine, I got sauvignon Blanc and they both immediately rolled their eyes. HEY, I don’t have to put up with this crap. I’m a freaking Executive Platinum member and I’ve had lots of fancy meals on airplanes thank you very little. Next we had appetizers, Catherine ordered these bacon wrapped dates. I thought I orgasmed right in the restaurant. If you can imagine the greatest sweetest salty appetizer there ever was you wouldn’t come close because you would had to have multiplied it by 10 to understand how good this seemingly uninviting appetizer tasted. I mean man alive, bacon…check, dates….ehh kinda check…..bacon wrapped dates….will you marry me!!! The rest of the dinner I had muscles and duck and ice cream and bread and some pizza and some pork. But you never forget your first time. Next we headed to a bar and I proceeded to leave soberville. I don’t even know what I was drinking, but I drank too fast or I drank too much and proceeded to start talking louder and louder and then I was convinced I could rap. On the drive home, I slurred through Ludacris about 8 times. Got home and went to bed.

Saturday
Woke up feeling a little thirsty. After a night of drinking and talking loudly I usually have a voice akin to Barry White. I was talking to one of the girls and I felt like my voice was extra bassy and boomy. It could have been that they have a wooden floored house and things just resonate, I’ll take it that I was extra testosteroney. So we got up and Catherine made me my bacon egg sandwich, thank you, much obliged. Then we hung out and watched TV and then some way or another we decided to play Disney Trivial Pursuit. I think it had to do something with running my mouth and some point, so it was time to put up or shut up. We invited the other girls but they were being lame, shopping or doing taxes. Don’t they know I’m only in town once a year or less? So we break out the board game and I have to say I knew more than I thought I did. Huhh, I know that, ohh is the answer this. YES DAMNIT, Catherine shouted. How did you know that? Idk!!! We went back and forth for awhile; I was up by at least one pie piece at all times. Then I went on a terror and answered like four questions in a row, started popping and locking all over the place, Catherine was not amused. I filled up the pie and worked my way into the middle, eventually landing in the middle and what do you know, I was the victor!!! I think Catherine filled up hers too, but she was too busy dancing around the board to land in the middle. So, I was feeling cocky and decided I wanted to play some more games. So we broke out with ESPN Scene it. Catherine is an avid sports fan, I am not. Nonetheless, I was running my mouth like I was Tony Kornheiser. So, out pops the game and Catherine, for all intents and purposes, destroys me. This was our second role reversal of the trip. Number 3 is coming right up. We were going to the UNH v. Maine Hockey game that night and we needed to leave early for travel and dinner purposes. So we needed to get showered and changed. Well there is something magical about this house on Chester. They have a big Jacuzzi bath tub that just so happens to fit me and all 40 inches of my legs. So I was running my mouth, per usual, and kept threatening to take a bubble bath. The girls kept saying do it, have fun, knock yourself out. So I said fine. Grabbed me some beer and proceeded to have a manly bubble bath if that is even possible. I was really sure what to do with all the bubble bath soap, bath salts, bath cubes; it was pretty foreign to me. So I winged it, little bit of this, little dash of that and before you know it viola. There were just as many choices for the bubble bath as there was the shower. So I helped myself yet again. I found a bottle that said clay mask on it. I thought I wonder if this is the same thing you see in sitcoms. I opened it up and sure enough it was green….and sure enough I put it on my face. Then I turned on the bubbles, took a sip of beer, and just drifted away. I then heard a knock on the door, the girls wanted to come see for themselves. I was actually a little nervous and slightly blushing as even this was a little gay for me. So I figured what the hell, they are seeing anything they haven’t seen before. They walked in and all of them had their camera phones. Do you mind, they said in unison. I thought, fuck, this is going to be on Facebook within the minute. I lamented and figured, the beer would save me. It didn’t……Facebook lit up with comments immediately, people liking it and putting in their two cents. I managed to get another beer out of Catherine for my participation. So I finished my bath and my skin felt awesome, just saying. We got changed up and headed out to Portsmouth, New Hampshire, there was a brewery there and I’m all about new breweries. Had some wicked awesome nachos, WICKED AWESOME!!! The beer was good too. Then we headed over to UNH for the game. The atmosphere was really cool. UNH Maine is similar to UTEP NMSU or UT A&M, just no love loss. Whoever you root for, the opposing team is full of cocksuckers. I was told under no circumstance was I to root for Maine. I am a smart man and choose my battles with Catherine wisely. I decided not to poke the bear on this one. We got to our seats and the first thing out of my mouth was, FUCK YOU MAINE. I might have shouted FUCK YOU MAINE, oh about 107 times. Catherine loved it, but was getting kind of embarrassed, Jacob you are really shouting that a lot. When in Rome you know. I learned lots of new things about hockey, traditions, chants, nasty dead fish. Have you ever heard of a sieve, yeah me neither? Its pronounced siv, it’s a colander or what I like to call a strainer. Well crazy New Englanders call them sieves; it’s very apropos to the game of hockey. If the goaltender lets a shot get by he was acting like something with holes in it. Get it? Makes sense. They have a loud speaker system there and every song that comes on comes on for a reason. The student section changes the lyrics and inserts sieve. There were also fun chants like, Give me an S – E – X, what does that spell, sex, what is it good for, score score, score. Give me an O – R – G – Y, what does that spell, orgy, what is good for, teamwork teamwork, teamwork. There was another one like that. My favorite though was to the tune of If you’re happy and you know it. If you can’t get into college go to Maine. If you can’t get into college go to Maine. If you can’t get into college and you don’t need any knowledge, if you can’t get into college go to Maine. Too funny!!! We randomly saw my boyfriend and his wife. Adam is the coolest guy in New England, he’s cool, but mostly he’s cool because he’s the only other guy around and I have someone to talk to. He also has a strangely powerful addiction to Mexican food. So naturally, we are BFFs. The game ended and UNH won, 5-4. To put that into perspective it’s like an NBA game ending 140-137, which is a lot of damn points, and it ended in the last minute. The goalie was pulled, our goalie did a slide tackle into Maine, stupid fucks, who do they think they are? We drove home and called it a night.

Sunday
Got up and had the same thing for breakfast. Got up kind of early though and chatted with one of the girls for awhile until Sleeping Beauty woke to make my breakfast. There wasn’t much going on in the house that day. Just talking and what not. Showered, which took awhile of course and then headed to the airport. Boston has its own check in for Priority AAccess, that’s what they call the people who can bypass lines and such. When I strolled up, someone airport worker tried to tell me I couldn’t check in there; I assured her I was allowed, she didn’t believe, and since she has no authority over me I just walked around her. I checked in and when I showed her my first class ticket she was not too happy about it. The security line for me was actually longer than the general public. Thanks in part to the stupid use of the x-ray machine. I’m not going to on a tangent about the TSA; you all know how I feel about those retards. So the TSA agent who was working our line mentioned we should move over to the general public area where they were zipping by because they just had to go through the metal detector. Our line was snaking around a pole when I decided to switch. I cut through this family, not in front of them, through them. Here’s some background information. Mr. White, is wearing a suit, a quick look at his boarding pass and he’s Platinum. His wife and child are in tow. The wife is wearing sweat pants and UGGs; my absolute least favorite outfit on a woman, the kid is pulling his Thomas the Tank miniature kid size roller board. You may be asking yourself, Jacob, why didn’t you push them down the stairs. I’m not that big of a hater, I just basically hate crappy white people. Well the gap between mama bear and kid widens; enough that I can squeeze by, so I do. Mama bear loses her shit, Um sir there is a line, and as she says it she tries to close the gap, pssshhhh too late, my skinny ass is through and she is giving me the stink eye. I was through security and watched as it took her twenty more minutes. I win again. So I’m sitting at the gate on a warm sunny day and my flight is delayed for who knows what reason. I think I heard someone say that the inbound plane had been delayed due to weather. Fine we take off about an hour late. Family McWhite lines up in the Priority AAccess lane and she looks back at me as if to show off that her man is Platinum and that she is boarding ahead of me. I have first class but I refused to associate myself with them. So they have about 3 rounds of boarding before general population is allowed to get on. I get on with that last group, so I don’t have to wait on the jet bridge. I’m behind the O’White family. We are entering in the middle of the plane, so coach takes a right and first takes a left. The Whitesons take a right, I take my left. Mrs. Whitemore looks bad at me and is fuming that I didn’t follow her down. Yes yes Mrs. Whiteing, this lanky kid with no fashion sense will be the first off the plane in the event of emergency. I win…..again. We touch down in Dallas and my flight is delayed for like three hours. I end up watching most of the Super bowl in the airport. Got on our flight to Tucson and drove home after that. Nothing else memorable to report.
Much love and appreciation to Catherine, Joanna, Kirsten, and Nicole. Thanks for putting up with me and I can’t wait to see you again.

Love,

Jakey Wakey

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

double armenia

Double Armenia
Well were off to a New Year and back to Armenia. I didn’t have the best time in Armenia last year so I wasn’t totally looking forward to the trip, but it ended up being super splendid this time and heres why.

Thursday
Left America but didn’t get an upgrade over the ocean. That’s twice in a row, what gives!?!? I was in the exit row but it was super cold, I don’t remember it being that cold. I had about three blankets and I still thought it was cold.

Friday
We got to London and I took about a three hour nap on a bench, very nice I must say. Had some lunch, I always like eating there because I think they have the best salt and vinegar chips. Its actually sea salt and balsamic vinegar, I know right, ooh lala. So we had a few more hours in London and then we got on our flight to Armenia which was about 5 hours away. I watched the Social Network, twice, I couldn’t sleep. BMI, which is British Midland International has some of the smallest coach seats Ive ever been on, second only to JAL I think. That’s Japan Airlines, sorry sometimes I speak in airline jargon.

Saturday
So we arrived and it took us about 40 minutes to get through customs, because we had to go through a special line for our visa waivers. Got our luggage and made it to the hotel about 230 or so. Got checked in and went and got some water since the water there is not good. Came back flipped through some channels and found some Russian porn, yeah, you know what Im talking about, it was pretty mainstream they just happened to be speaking Russian. Woke up and it was still Saturday, got up, grabbed my coworker and we made it out for some lunch and then headed to the street bazaar. A lot of crap and when I say crap I mean crap. You need a screw that fits a 1979 Hoover vacuum, they got it. You need an old school dental drill, they got it. Dog collar, painting, USSR medals, tapestries, hot bread, watch, wood carvings, you name it they have it and they want you to buy. We did that for awhile and then made our way back for a short meeting. The rest of that day I watched Australian Open until it was time for dinner. I didn’t have the best culinary experience last year but this year there was a new restaurant, which turned into my favorite restaurant; I ended up eating there four times. I had a few glasses of this wine that I remembered from last year, its pretty sweet, but very tasty. I had a nice lamb dish, with this red pepper chutney and some fried potatoes, man alive it was good. I hurried back because I had a massage that night. It was really awesome, because it included a gluteal massage. The chick came in ripped down my pants and began to massage my ass, ohh yeah oil my ass, massage it all freaky naughty, just kidding, it was a very professional massage of my derrière muscles. Think I fell asleep twice, that’s how you know it’s a good massage.

Sunday
Got up had some breakfast then made my way down to the work area. Did some stuff and then it was off to a new pizzeria. I remembered this place from last year, but don’t remember eating there because it was really tasty. A lot of times pizzas in Europe come with a man made meat, its good, but its not pepperoni, well this meat was the closest thing Ive had to US pepperoni in Europe or Asia or wherever I was. I know you should eat like the locals, but sometimes eating like the locals includes eating corn on my pizza or tuna and Im just not down with that. This time I got the best of both worlds. Since it was a lot of food and I didn’t want to ruin my dinner I didn’t finish it, well my coworkers felt the same way, and I got to take their pizza home, win win for the jake meister!! Getting that pizza into the fridge was quite a test. I had to take out the entire mini bar supplies and bend the pizza and then fold the pizza and then slam the cardboard box into the refrigerator. It still tasted good the next days, but it wasn’t pretty. Went back down, did some work and then headed back to my new favorite restaurant. Went with different coworkers because the other was getting sick or trying to get over his illness. This time I had an awesome fried chicken dish with French fries and more of that delicious wine. Went back home watched some Metalocalypse, that show is excellent, and then called it a night.

Monday
Aww man, jet lag finally kicked in. I woke up at like 4 am that day. Not to worry, put on some power metal, checked for cancer, and did some body weight pushups and then headed down to breakfast. Monday was our first real day of work and it was pretty busy, lunch and dinner came really fast. I went up to my room and watched the Australian Open, it was nice to be able to watch it live, we were only about 5 time zones behind Australia. I did that all week, saw everything except for the championships matches. That night I went back out to dinner at the Pizza place, had a chicken dish with pomegranate chutney thing; they like chutney there, had some more wine and then watched some Metalocalypse and called it a night.

Tuesday
Still jet lagging, got up at some time way before my alarm. Not sure what I did that morning, but I eventually went to breakfast. Tuesday was the opening ceremonies of course, little administrative remarks, little roll call of nations, little picture taking. That day was very hectic, I did a lot of entries into the database for users and their equipment. This round of conferences Im wearing 5 hats, one for the regular system, one for trouble ticketing system, one for network assessment, one for data tests, and one for services based testing. Yes I am the man and everyone knows it. That night we had out ice breaker, it was held at the brandy and wine factory again. I enjoyed it much more since I was not hung-over this year. The 98 and 67 year old wine was really nice as was the 15 and 25 year old cognac. I cant remember if explained the whole cognac situation last year. According to the WTO, only brandy from the cognac region of France can be called cognac. Well, France really likes Armenia or really admires their brandy so they allow them to call their brandy cognac. Its all distilled grape wine, but you know people are sticklers for tradition and rules and such. They only had about 30 minutes of alcohol, meaning I had about 4 drinks, samples is more like it, and then we took off not wanting to wait for the buses. We headed back to my new favorite restaurant and I had some other dish on the menu; I cannot remember which though. Again went back and watched a few more episodes of Metalocalypse.

Wednesday
This was our first full full day of working. I worked with some other groups I belong too and everything went well. I know I had whined a little bit about Italy because all my friends had gone, well I made some new friends this trip and so I hung out with them this time and Im looking forward to seeing them again. Watched more Australian Open during the day and Im not sure where I went for dinner this time. Just kidding I went back to my favorite restaurant.

Thursday
Was another full day of work and meetings and that night was our cultural dinner. It was at another location than last year. I sat with mostly Americans but not Americans from work so it was cool. The food was really good and so was the vodka, yeah vodka is like an appetizer for them. We went through a few bottles. Then we drank some more wine and some other liquors.

Friday
Whew, not too many people showed up to work first thing in the morning. The Commander was a little ticked and a litter perturbed. I know because he told me. We only worked about ½ a day and then we cleaned up and went to the out brief. That afternoon I chilled in my room and watched a movie. Then I went back to dinner at the pizza place went home and called it a night since we were getting up in a few hours.

Saturday
Or should I say Friday night. I got up at 150 since I had to be down for the bus at 230. Got up brushed my teeth and drug my shit down to the lobby to go wait in the rain with the bus. Our flight wasn’t until 530, so I don’t know why we needed 3 hours but we did. The flight back to London sucked ass. I was in a middle seat and there was nothing to do or watch or say except sit there. Luckily I had a powered up ipod, but man alive I was super uncomfortable. Luckily I had an upgrade going over the ocean. I went to the lounge in London and took a shower, ate some breakfast, ate some lunch, watched more Metalocaplyse because we had about a 4 hour layover in London. Got on the plane, ate, watched two movies and proceeded to sleep for the next 6 hours. Talk about the greatest utilization of business I have ever completed, my previous record was for 5 hours, boo yeah. Arrived in Dallas and only had about a 2 hour layover, so after we finished with customs and immigration we basically got on board for our flight to Tucson. Easy peasy 2 hour flight. Got to Tucson, but my luggage didn’t. I had to go file a claim with AA, ohh the joys of travel how I love thee. Went to my cousins house, chilled there, and went to sleep.

Sunday
Went to the airport, got my stuff, drove home, missions complete.

Thank you Armenia for a much better time this time,

Jacob

Sunday, May 1, 2011

costa freakin rican picturas

The reason most of these pictures look nice is because cousin took all the photos and I just stole them from here. Away we go.....

tuxedo and tiara, thank you open bar

getting ready to do the zip line

we ride horse and the short bus to school

horses up in the mountain

the pool at the resort

alligators and/or crocodiles

raccoons

monkeys

playa

favorite sports illustrated picture kicking the crap out of costa ricans

boardwalk

sunset

mas sunset

ditto

mas

tortuga island

parrot

piggys like imperial

they crave it

then they take naps

you should put costa rica on your short list,

see you next week

jacob

Monday, April 18, 2011

costa rica

Costa Rica

Another new country and this time not for work. My family’s every 18-24 month reunion was meeting again and this time was going to be in San Jose, Costa Rica. This was extra nice because it was on American Airlines and this flight would set me over the 100,000 mark again, making it three times Executive Platinum for me.

Friday

I drove home after work this day to El Paso. I could have flown out of Tucson but I wanted to be home on Christmas when I flew back a week later. I was leaving at the crack of dawn on Saturday morning so I bought an extra key so my mom could pick up my car later from the garage. She wasn’t very happy with this and she said, “im your mother I should take you to the airport”, and she made it with a puchee face. I think this was the first time I ever really hurt her feelings.

Saturday

Sure enough she got up at 4 am and I wouldn’t let her take me to the airport, so she was extra sad. I told her to go back to sleep, but she wasn’t too thrilled. Our flight was about 6 in the morning and was chock full of soldiers, they were rowdy at 6 in the morning so I didn’t get any sleep. My brother dosed off because he stayed awake all night. We got to Dallas and went to chill in the Admirals Club. Had a drink and just chilled some more. Next we flew to Miami, we kind of went the long way to San Jose. We were delayed arriving in Miami because of weather and then we were delayed majorly by all sorts of stupid errors. Our flight was late arriving so they kept pushing back our departure time. Next we got on the plane finally and I fell asleep. I woke up one hour later and our plane was still on the ground because they were working on some mechanical issues. Next we went back to the gate and got off the plane. Maintenance fixed the issue in about 15 minutes. Got back on the plane and we sat and sat and sat and sat for 1 hour waiting for a fuel top off and a ground crew to push us back. Finally we took off and then 3.5 hours later we landed in Costa Rica. This was succeeded by a 1 hour bus ride out to the resort. All in all we were delayed about 5 hours. Completely unacceptable when im on vacation. Have delays all you want when im on the clock for business, but this is my time were fucking with now and I don’t like it. So I checked into the airport, said my hellos, got my chocolate chip cookie, and went to bed.

Sunday

Woke up fairly early and made my way down to the breakfast buffet. We were staying at an all inclusive place, so for the next week it was open buffet and open bar. Sound Handels Messiah, Jacob is upping his calorie consumption. The resort was very nice but not very many hotties, it was mostly moms and grandmas, none of the ILF kin. I had breakfast and checked out the rest of the resort. Went back up to my room, took my clothes off, splattered on the SPF, and went down to do some cancer inducing activities. The bar opened at 10 and I wasn’t really feeling a particular drink. They had a big list of fun tropical drinks, Mango Tango, Isla de Coco, Hurican, and other fun concoctions. I went with the Mango Tango for the first few, then had some beer, then had some rum….and then….AND THEN…I saw something that would forever change my week. Non-American Fresca!!!!! Fresca in America is a diet drink made without sugar, Fresca in Mexico and the rest of the world is made with real sugar. I proceeded to have about 50+ Palomitas which is tequila and fresco, it was glorious. That day was full of chilling and lounging around. We played the first of many many beach volleyball games, played some tennis, had lunch, welcomed more family members who arrived that day, had dinner and that was all she wrote.

Monday

Woke up, wash rinse and repeat. Another day of having to live on the ocean at 80 degrees, sipping Palomitas, eating delicious food, checking out the non hot grandmas and not worrying about a thing. This day was also full of tennis and beach volleyball and more eating. Nice when your day only consists of four sentences.

Tuesday

This was our first day of activities, we were going zip lining and horseback riding. We rode the horses for about 30 minutes, I didn’t really care for it. I could have gone for a shorter ride, a saddle that accommodated my lanky ass and jeans; because horse hair itches against my bare skin. We got up there and got equipped and started going down what was the first of many, actually too many zip lines. I think an hour’s worth would have been nice, but this took 2 hours, and it was mostly waiting since there were 20 in our group. It was different then the zip lining I did in Mexico, mexico was definitely less safe and had more rules. This one had more safety nets and rules, but it was still fun. What was most fun was seeing Andrew smile. He usually has a whatever I don’t give a fuck attitude, but he was enjoying himself, because he and physics tag-teamed to take on the zip line and the poor guy who was working the emergency stop. They ask you to brake yourself whilst on the line if you are coming in too hot. You have a very leatherd up glove which you hold onto the line, causing friction, and causing you too slow down. There is a secondary line at the end, kind of the like the tow cable on air craft carriers that a guy works in case you are coming to fast. Well thanks to F=M*A, Andrew was pretty much always coming in too fast. I was second to last in line and Andrew was last. So after about the first few runs, the guys would mutter in Spanish to themselves, oy, here comes the big one. So I quickly started calling Andrew, El Hombre mas Macho, which for laughs I switched to El Hombre mas Gordo, the crew liked it, they were joking around, but when Andrew was up, the guy working the emergency brake cut the shit and paid attention. He held on for dear life, braced himself, and usually was thrown from his perch. Andrew rules. He totally never paid attention to the pre braking rules, the guys would motion to him to slow down and Andrew would just come in hot without a care in the world. It was pretty freaking sweet. He actually exclaimed to me how glad and happy he was to come on the trip, Good I said, you should do more shit with us from now on. We had a nice lunch there, it was curry I think, most of my lame cousins didn’t eat it because they are beyond fussy eaters. But were real and were willing to eat whatever is in front of us because if you don’t like it you don’t eat. So you might as well eat. We came back from that excursion and since we had to get up so early I just took a nap, like a 2 hour nap, got up and just repeated what I had done on Monday.

Wednesday

We took a day trip to the island of Tortuga, but it wasn’t the same as the Tortuga from the Pirates of the Caribbean. We were also promised a big catamaran boat, well it was technically a catamaran but not one where you lie and go for a walkabout. It was more of just a water taxi, it took about an hour to get there. So we just drank most of the way, talked, hung out. Then we went snorkeling, but I don’t snorkel cuz I suck at it. So I swam and warmed the ocean. Then we were off to the island. We played some epic games of volleyball, the sand was ideal for diving and lunging for balls. I think we went 50/50 on the games, had a really fun time. Also had a nice lunch and discovered one of the greatest sauces known to man called Lizano salsa, it was super delicioso. Its this thin brown sauce, kind of sweet smokey. We headed back to land and got home a little before dinner. Except not really, because we were having dinner at this fancy place at the resort and our reservation wasn’t until 9pm, ay yay okay. So we just hung out the bar for awhile, we made quite a few friends with the barstaff that trip. So we had dinner, it was kind of fancy which meant, most of my cousins didn’t know what to do. There was ceviche, yum, and steak prepared with fancy sauces, yummo, and really good desserts, yummy. But my cousins were like yuck, barf, gag me with a spoon. That night afterwards we moved to the bar and we played a game called Presidents and Assholes. Turns out its my new favorite card based drinking game. It has lots of rules you can make up as you go along. Like rowing your Viking boat, eating pussy, dick, and ass, or whatever else your dirty mind can think of. We ended up closing down the bar, about 2, then we headed to the discotheque, had a few more drinks there, went home about 3. I was just tired and wasn’t really feeling the muchachita vibe there.

Thursday

Woo got up early again to go feed some monkeys and some latin American raccoons. It was actually pretty fun. The monkeys open your hands like a human would to get the bananas out of your hand. Then we headed to an area to do some shopping. On that day the cruise ship pulled in, it was a bunch of old white Europeans, so we walked around and perused the wares. I actually did all my transactions in Spanish I was very proud of myself, I got tripped up when it came to saying 1500 in Spanish. I thought it was mil cincocientos or maybe at the least quincecientos, but no, it was mil quinientos, which to me would be like 1000 1500, but okay, my Spanish speaking friends confirmed it. So im better for being brave enough to speak Spanish, viva Jacob VIVA JACOB. We came back from that, had some lunch, and I took another nap. We had kept being denied tennis, because everyone loves tennis there evidently so mostly the courts were reserved. So we put our names down for about 1.75 hours, yeah that’s kind of weird, but they had two courts and we got one for two full hours and the other for just one hour so you do the math. Well we took a nap for a little bit and then killed it, played some more volleyball. I need to back track a little bit right now. We had played a lot of volleyball over the week; we were also the whitest people on the beach. We also won 80% of matches so when we rolled up to the courts people knew what was up. Well a couple of the guys who work there are really good, they play volleyball all summer long. Well I was pwning the net something fierce, I have long arms and this white boy has some ups. Well I had blocked this like two or three times and he was getting made because I had this shit eating grin on my face. Well he went up to hit the ball as hard as he could, only problem is, due to rotation I was in the back. And my cousin took the full brunt right on her nose. Pobresita, it knocked her flat on her ass. The due felt terrible, super horrible,…as he should. The game and mood were pretty much over. The resort said sorry and ended up giving her a gift certificate to the gift shop as a way to apologize. No blood and it didn’t break, so it was all good. That night we had another late late dinner, this time at a fancy seafood restaurant. No one was really that hungry. But we went and hung out with each other, had some pretty good conversations. We tried to recreate the magic of the drinking games before hand, but just really wasn’t feeling it. Plus, my sister was leaving so I wanted to spend mor etime with her, she was leaving one day early to go party in Australia, what a puta. Its okay im just jealous.

Friday

Got up and you guessed it Fresca and tequila time. Had breakfast, signed up for some tennis multiple times and hung out and worked on my tan. Went over to the dining area for lunch, went back to my room and took a nap. Then we all played tennis, it was all the cousins and a couple of parents, it was a lot of fun. Of course I was topless the whole time, because when in doubt people want to see my hot white bod. That evening I don’t think we really did anything, we just went to dinner, got some drinks and called it an early night.

Christmas

Woke up at 4 in the morning and got our shit together to go the airport. It was Saturday, Christmas morning and we were off to the airport. Andrew and I were late, because we just were alright, get off our backs. There was a guy walking the hallways, an older man and he was working security. We locked eyes, did the cool guy head nod whats up and I said Feliz Navida. He responded back Feliz Navidad gracias para El Dios. I thought I was being nice by saying whats up and I think I totally made his day…I think. So our drive was an hour and then we got through all the security mumbo jumbo at the airport. You have to pay a exit fee, no me gusta. We had about 2 hours to kill and so we just sat around and talked. Most everyone left on a flight to Atlanta, Andrew and I and our cool cousin headed a flight to Dallas. I got upgraded and had me a nice continental breakfast. Andrew and cousin were in coach and had some of the best French toast they have ever had in their life or so they claimed. Its about a four hour flight, but I didn’t get much sleep. Customs and immigration weren’t bad, nothing to report there. We hung out with our cousin before she headed off to denver. Then Andrew and I got on a plane to The 915. Ive never waited longer for luggage in my life than I did at ELP. It was a good 30 minutes. Zekey was circling the baggage claim and getting ancy. He took us back home and then we headed to my aunt’s house for the last bit of Christmas dinner. Then we headed to my cousins a little bit later in the day for our annual boys vs. girls Trivial Pursuit game. The girls ended up winning and was super upset about it. They were up, then we were up, but we couldn’t get into the final circle, so they managed to come back and they got a question about soccer and the answer was Brazil. It was truly not a happy day for me. Later that night I went to ians to play some video games and some board games.