a christmas story

a christmas story

I was very blessed the last two years for Christmas and New Years to fall on a Sunday and a Monday. This is because I could ask for four days off and in return get 10 total days off. This year both were on a Tuesday so I asked for 4 days off and got only 9. I left work on Friday the 21^st and made it home in time for dinner. This was the first time I made it home since little egg had party hardy with rich and famous African Americans in Miami. So my whole entire family was talking about it when I arrived at the table. And just like the game telephone, with each person's retelling of the story it's bigger and more lavish each time. By the time I sat down Sammy was dating Shaq, she was 5'10", big breasts, and an Abercrombie model. None which are true, so I reset the story, but once you hear the fun Hollywood version you really don't want to go back to Green Acres. Friday night was rock band at Ians and drinking at Paul Paul house, he was annihilated, but he's the world's greatest maître when he is drunk, took my order and gave me a paper napkin when I was seated. Saturday I went to play some racquetball and got my ass handed to me by a world champion. After we were finished playing he asked me how old I was and I said 24 and he said he had been playing that long. So I didn't feel so bad. He then told me not to feel bad because he was the former champion. I said of what, Mexico? He said no, the world. Turns out he won the 18 and under world championship years ago. So then I was honored to have been whooped by a world champion. Saturday afternoon we went to Cousin Daniels grandmother's birthday party and I fell asleep. My mother was embarrassed, but he's my uncle and I can fall asleep on his couch if I feel like it. Then I went to my other uncle's house and saw my cousin godson who I hadn't seen since his birth. He loves to dance and to climb. He's pretty awesome. Saturday night we went to mavericks and saw everyone, had a good time, and everyone called bullshit on little eggs story. Sunday was church and nothing else and I don't think anyone was doing anything that night. Or I can't remember, it was almost two months ago. Monday was more racquetball in the morning and then lunch with Melissa; we went and scored some taco cabana. Most pleasant conversation, I was able to talk her ear off for 1 hour straight without being interrupted or without becoming hoarse afterwards. I just told her story after story, and she enjoyed herself, maybe she feigned enjoyment, but I'll take company anyway I can get it. Monday night was Christmas Eve so we had to go to church 4 hours early so we could get a seat. It was okay nothing to memorable. Christmas Eve my family got pretty inebriated, (God bless us, everyone), myself included. Everyone had their turn being burned; I unveiled a new dance, which was quickly shot down. Tony and I compared our wallets, (DoD contractors), to our military cousins, (Navy, Marines), ours were incredibly thick compared to theirs. Christmas didn't start until 11 am, thankfully, opened up presents. Everything I got I needed or wanted. Towels, clock, alarm clock, gloves, shirt, sweater, money, and gift cards. Thank you Santa. Christmas day the entire family met at a church hall for some lunch dinner, I tried to do my best but I was a little too hung over so I only ate two plates. Christmas night we went to Paul Paul's house for a little battle of the sex's trivial pursuit. I answered my two questions and felt proud. I was also the team mascot.

We lost because they got a bunch of easy questions. Two of their pie questions were on harry potter, give me a break. The next day the 26^th Ian and I and Colin and Phil went to Taos for 5 days to go skiing. Taos was already 90% open with a 150cm base. Skiing conditions were excellent and very cold. All three days were at 0 or below. At the top of the mountain it was -10 and a water bottle in my jacket froze through. The last two days we rocked the Valkyrie run which is a tree run, very exciting. Nasty spills into 5 6 feet deep snow piles. Then we rocked the Hunziker bowl, which is mostly moguls but very challenging. Every day for lunch we had giant turkey sandwiches and little Debbie's oatmeal cream pies. At night we rocked out with our cocks out playing rock band. As it turns out I'm phenomenal. Just so you know. Coming home it was a giant fart session, who can out do whom. I didn't participate because I don't produce gas, but I had to suffer through it anyway. When I got home my parents had ditched me for Cloudcroft and I was only left with drew who as you all know is always happy to see me. So the night of the 30^th was a Sunday and no one wanted to hang out. So I stayed home and watched family stone, which I've made a tradition since its inception. The next day was New Years Eve and I had no plans or at least everyone was undecided. So I went and spent some gift cards and returned a gift from Catherine. She thought I was fat and bought me a belt that was too big. Little does she know I have a massive two-pack, and then I went to see my dad's aunt and uncle and chat and drink with them. After that I came home and got ready for dinner, grandma took me to dinner and she slammed down a few scotch and sodas. Shes awesome like that, 4'10", maybe 95 pounds, probably can out drink me. For New Years Eve, I invited myself to hang out with Catherine, Annette, Nina cocina or Nina vagina (however you want to pronounce her name), and one of the Carrillo twins, not sure which. We went to the shadow bar, which was okay, I didn't really care for the techno music but then had Johnny black, so I was happy camper. Continued to drink and was thoroughly inebriated by the time we left. We dropped Catherine off and then went back out to TC. I've never waited so long to for food at TC in all my life, no matter time of day. Juse showed up and I talked with him for awhile. Chugged a few glasses of water and went to bed. Woke up at 1130, completely not-hung-over, made a massive dish of huevos con Peyton's chorizo. Peyton's chorizo is absolutely the greatest concoction of animal parts and spices ever assembled. Watched just friend, which is also a tradition I started. Packed my stuff waited for my mom to kiss me goodbye and was off. Made it home safely.

i think i hate john mccain

jacob



me

me

ian

colin

me

phil

ian

me

me

ian

phil

us

snowbird

snowbird

The week after Thanksgiving I only had a short week because Ian and I and the fam were going up to Mormonland for some skiing. Whoever thought up the idea of strapping sticks to your feet so you could go down a mountain faster than you can fall is a genius. We were going to Snowbird to the Cliff lodge which is a ski in and ski out resort. Sadly since it was so early in the season there wasn't much snow. The mountain was only 2% open which meant only two trails and two lifts. The lifts were parallel to one another so it was really only 1 lift and 1 run. It's a huge mountain in the Wasatch Mountains in upper canyon Salt Lake City. Generally it takes a day or two to find your ski legs, and while you do that you are falling down the mountain and injuring yourself and pulling muscles and twisting and contorting muscles you didn't know existed. Well I had a fun time. Friday Ian and I roamed the hotel, but like most places in Salt Lake you have to be a member to go into any restaurant or bar. Such are Mormon laws having to do with alcohol consumption. Saturday we got up and Ian finally met my fairly attractive step-sister. He liked her because shes fairly smart, fairly attractive, fairly tall, and fairly employed. But he said it would never work. Or that's what his mother told me, hes already my brother, might as well make it official. N-E-WAYZ, we ditched Samm and Zac, because they are baby beginners and we are studs. Met everyone for lunch and re hit the slopes. Afterwards I hit up the Jacuzzi, Ian said he didn't want to join, but eventually he succumbed. Like all people there is just something special about a glistening white boy 6'4" and full of muscles, that beckons them to me. Sunday was more of the same only not as long. Skied most of the morning, got some lunch and did it up again. Then we took Ian to the airport. I made tacos with cumin and everyone thought I was crazy till they tried it and they shutup and ate. Monday I had to do some more homework before our flights. Samms flight was early so I got to the airport 4 hours before my flight and I watched Entourage. That's about it, a short weekend, but heres some pictures so Im sure Escobar will enjoy.

Pretty as a picture

jacob


my other brother

ian drinking some sugar-free cola

me and some pantene pro-v luscious hair

said fairly good looking step sister

a snowed over creek

ian in the pretty valley


me in the same valley shot

ians lone action shot, i had none

ian had no desire for the sweet nothings i was spewing

randomness

more the same

thanksgiving

thanksgiving

Luckily I had the entire week of Thanksgiving off, unluckily that was the week I got back from Croatia and a 9 hour time change. When I came back from Budapest I was adjusted in 1 day, but it took until the Saturday after thanksgiving for me to get readjusted. Monday I got home about 430 and went to bed until 6. I was awoken by my grandma yelling at me for sleeping, "Working men shouldn't be asleep in the afternoon." I'm no man nor do I work GRANDMA! Tuesday I got up before anyone in the house and pretty much did homework. Luckily for me the University of Amsterdam posted most of the answers for my Java course, so whenever I got stuck I could just use their work, change some variables and change the name and viola, passing grade. Tuesday a few of us went to Thirstys which is Jugs' favorite. Tino, Richard, Rene, Hash, Luis, Carla, and Guns went. Rene and I lost horribly at foosball. I also lost badly at billiards. Wednesday I again woke up before the rooster and pretty much everyone was coming home that day. Except for Cousin Paul. Cousin Paul is the smartest retardest cousin I have. He has that title because he does not know how to make, book, or catch a flight. Paul was slated to come home Wednesday to Sunday of Thanksgiving, so he booked the last Wednesday of November to come, unfortunately for him Thanksgiving was on the third weekend of November this year. According to Paul, he was taught in school that Thanksgiving was on the last week of November, generally that's true, but not always. Poor fledgling US education system. So he got home Wednesday but was leaving on Friday and was returning home via plane and train and possibly bus or subway. Poor Paul Paul. Wednesday we tried to go to ale house and to mavericks but we didn't leave until late and on Thanksgiving eve, you have to go out early. No one wanted to go to Rana's even though they were open and they have a liquor license, so we ended up going to Hash's. Thursday Zeke and Mom went to the Parade and got annihilated, luckily for us mom made thanksgiving dinner the day before. Thanksgiving was held at Cousin Marks house, drew, Helen, Cousin Paul and Cousin Mark were there. Food was excellent like always, watched the Cowboys, they won and this was the first time they had ever been 11-1. Good on them I guess. I can't remember what we did Thanksgiving evening, maybe I shouldn't write these things so far after the fact, but it very well could have been hash's apartment, a lot of things involve that guys house. Friday I played some racquetball and then I think we went to Kush or Hemingways, gosh this is really turning into the worst blog ever and there won't be any pictures so Escobar will totally hate on me. Saturday it snowed all day and it stuck all day. Usually El Paso snow melts by noon noon thirty but not this day it was hella cold. Saturday night we went to Luis' new apartment and watched a documentary called Zeitgeist which means spirit of the time, and it was about how Christianity, 9/11, and the Fed are related. Little bit out there, but definitely interesting. It's the number 1 documentary on google video, watch it if you have nothing better to do. Sunday I went home kind of early because I needed to do grocery shopping and do some more homework. Well that sort of badly wraps up Thanksgiving. I'll try to remember more of the next trip.

Still handsome after all these years,

jacob

nevermind i found some pictures

croatia in pictures

because escobar is impatient, here are the croatia pictures


from the air

airport canopy

view from my room

same

a pirate ship

the view was awesome okay

last one
at the palace

inside the palace

inside a tower inside the palace

in a walkway in the palace looking at another tower

the most famous architect of croatia, not the architect of the palace though
and my personal favorite photo

mas towers

little bit of croatian cosby

some of the beers i drank, the one on the left was my favorite

croatian putt-putt

mini formula-1 croatian style

down by the water

again

some random cat that showed up at the conference

twin beds = no hanky panky...
california king = no hanky panky, so either way...

entrance to some church

croatia from the sky

gays this way

this is what we do in the boys room

we do this too

and here is what i had for dinner one night, the red-snapper

well there you go, hopefully you enjoyed them as much as i did

ill be back in '08

jacob

croatia in words

Croatia in words

I know I told a lot of you I was going to Split, but I actually went to Trogir. Still on the Adriatic, still nice. Normally I begin day one with traveling, but this blog begins with the day before; traveling to Tucson to spend the night with my cousins so I wouldn’t have to get up so early Friday morning. Well I checked, rechecked, double checked, and tripled checked. Passport and underwear, all I need. Well I was also going to take some food to my cousins that way it wouldn’t spoil at my place. I accidentally left a loaf of bread and a dozen eggs on the counter. That should be a hell of a stink bomb when I come home in 11 days. The flight over was okay, I was thrown out of my exit row seat and had to sit in the center, but it was next to a nice old woman and we chatted it up on the way to Dallas. The flight to Frankfurt was just fine, a little turbulent, but no big deal. I had some sort of beef dish on the way over and then their super discount continental breakfast in the morning. I finally saw the Simpsons movie and I also watched Hot Rod. Hot Rod really sucked, Samberg and Hader definitely need to stick to making digital shorts on SNL. Tried to sleep but it didn’t really work. For whatever reason we were sitting in business class on Lufthansa going to Split. So we had access to their lounge. It was fairly swanky, they serve beer, wine, and liquor and it’s all free. We had some sort of spinach egg omelet and the worst honey dew I’ve ever had in my life. Flying over split was really nice, the Adriatic was beautiful. It’s a very very small town, only here because of summer tourist. The hotel, www.hotelmeden.com , looks much nicer here than it does in real life. Its forty years old and you can definitely tell it’s a former Yugoslavian state, I don’t think the décor has changed since the original. I had a balcony which was nice and of course dual twin beds, so that I could not partake in hanky panky.

Saturday I got to the hotel and went to bed, slept until 4 got up watched some entourage and went to dinner. We had dinner at the hotel and it wasn’t very good. Went to bed and got up at 4 in the morning. Did my homework until breakfast at 8.

Sunday was a slow day, just set up the network and did all the updates and restores we needed. Sunday I went to the Kamerlengo Fortress and had some pretty good dinner. Walked around, really was quite an experience. Cobblestone floors, all the window have outward facing working wooden shutters.

Monday was the preconference and it was pretty laxed. I can’t really remember what I did now, but after the day was over I went to their gym and met an Australian named Taylor. Couldn’t really understand a word he said, but it was an enjoyable conversation. He wished he had learned more about computers; he was amazed that a kid from Texas would be doing the computer network at a conference in Crotia, I said yeah pretty sweet gig. He told me he was sorry I had to come in winter because there is no one here. Had it been in the summer and there were babes here I would have been laid twice a day. A fact I scoffed at in my head, but you never know, I’ve been told I’m not really that ugly. After that I went to a pizzeria and had a pretty good Hawaiian pizza. Went back to the room and finished up my entourage dvds.

Tuesday was the start of the conference; we had the in briefing and the roll call of nations. Took a group photo and then went on a coffee break. Ahhh the life. Tuesday night was our ice breaker, had quite a few beers and a shitload of calamari. Passed out at 2130, stupid time change.

So now it’s currently Wednesday and it pouring. We had a thunder clap that almost lasted 10 seconds. It kept roaring and the windows were rattling. Really something else. Im supposed to go on the cultural today, in about 3 hours, hopefully its stops raining. I think it’s in the forties right now, but this is where I get the bulk of my pictures, so I hope they don’t cancel it.

Alright well I’m going to get back to getting paid to do my homework. I’ll finish the rest up later. Alright, well now its Friday morning, I’ve been up since 3 am, I’ll tell you why a little later on. Let us resume from the un-canceled cultural tour.

Our cultural tour was to Split, about 35 minutes away but 1.21 hours because of traffic. We were going to tour the Diocletian palace. A Roman structure that was built in the 3^rd century BC. It rained the entire time we were on the bus, but thankfully it subsided by the time we got to the palace. The sea was really rough that day, not too often I get to say that but, that’s what it was. There was a lot of graffiti on the streets. A lot of swastikas and crossed out swastikas. A lot of long live rock and ac/dc, I guess they shun that genre. And my favorite was emo sucks. So I didn’t know if they meant the kids or the person, either way they both suck. It was pretty cold and windy throughout the tour. We walked around the basement, and the courtyard, and went through various small passages. The entire palace is now an outlet mall, which is kind of sad that they couldn’t have done something better with it. But the place is a few hectares big, and the economy is dependent on tourism money, seems like that was the only conclusion to be drawn. Stopped into an Italian restaurant while I was there and had a really good spaghetti fettuccine with salmon and calamari. Love that calamari. Then the rain started to pour, walked around, stopped at the Lacoste store and Pierre Cardin store, but neither of the girls working the counters knew what my metric measurements were, nor did they care. I guess I could have ball parked it, but I couldn’t figure out the exchange rate in my head and I didn’t feel like getting a bill for hundreds of dollars when what I thought in my head was different by a decimal place. Got on the bus passed out and woke up we were at the hotel. Put my clothes on the radiator and went to bed.

Thursday was going to be a first full day of work, at least with no planned interruptions, i.e. cultural tour, in briefing, and the like. It was a rough day to get through 10.5 hours and most of that was without internet. But I finished all of my database homework. Went to the gym and then went back to the pizzeria and had two pizzas. Fast forward 6 hours from that time and you’ll know why I was awake at 4am, heartburn. I guess at 24 I’m aging because I had killer heartburn or indigestion, not sure which. Ive only ever used pepto bismal for upset stomach. But now I know that their commercial isn’t lying when it says it takes care of heartburn, bloating, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea you know the jingle. So like all European tv you can always find some naked girls on tv doing naked stuff. Read some from my java book, then watched a little old school Americas funniest home videos with Bob Sagat, circa ’95 and then some everybody loves Raymond. It was in English with Croatian subtitles, I thoroughly enjoyed.

So now is Friday and only a half day, get to pack up and have an outbriefing and cultural dinner. Hopefully its pretty tasty. We found out that the cultural tour was going to be at the hotel, which meant hotel food, so we high tailed it back to the Kamerlengo fortress for dinner. Walked around and got lost a little bit, had some veal cutlets. Didn’t really care for the veal, but now I know. Went back for the traditional dinner and sure as shit it was hotel food, but the alcohol was flowing. Red and white wine and beer. And like always the nations bring their own, so had some good scotch whiskey from Scotland and some death looking black licorice drink from Finland. It made jager its bitch. Our entertainment was the Croatian Naval Acapella group. They were fantastic, had no idea what they were saying but that was okay. They sang one Elvis song and it was great. Got into an argument with the Germans on how to drink Jager, evidently they sip it at room temperature there. Well when I bought a round I said prost, and slammed that bad boy down. They were looking at me in disgust, while they sipped it. I said don’t you slam this in Germany? No, it’s a sipping after dinner drink. “Well in America we shoot this” and I slammed one more. Well they didn’t care for that. So I cleverly said, “USA! USA!” I guess anyone can be an asshole drunk. We were friends in the morning, so it’s all good. Since the airport doesn’t open early we had to overnight in Frankfurt. Stayed at some industrial area of Frankfurt where the prostitutes run rampant, at least that’s what it seemed like, didn’t see any. Had some fantastic un-pasteurized german hefeweizen and delightful red snapper with coriander foam and rice, it was a little foo foo, but tasty. Sunday was our flight and I watched all three movies on the plane. Not much left to say, had a good time, recommend you go there, not for a week, but a day or two trip.

Herpes free since ‘83

jacob

lost wisdom

lost wisdom Sorry I didnt post this last week. I thought I had written it earlier and I was busy with finals this week. I had my wisdom teeth removed back in October. Not because my dentist said to, not because the maxiofaciallary surgeon said to, but because my hip African-American dental tech said it would be a good idea. The DDS said I should have them removed because the 3rd molar and the wisdom tooth could form pockets which could lead to decay and death. The MD said I should have them taken out because the nerver that runs along my mandible was about a milimeter away from the wisdom tooth root and that would cause an extreme amount of pain. The hip African-American said, "Dude, you don't need them. Might as well have them taken out, you have a small mouth and you already have 32 teeth, you don't need 4 more. Best logic I ever heard. So I scheduled the teeth to be extracted and my mom freaked out. You cant have them taken out, youre not in any pain, whos going to take care of you, you cant drive home from the doctor, youll be under general anethesia. Andrew had his taken out, he wasnt in any pain, Im having it done in Tucson, Ill be fine. "No, Im coming out" Okay OKay OKAy OKAY. The extraction was a lot of fun, they gave me some NO2 and I was super laughy. They also gave me 14 shots in the mouth, they could have removed all my teeth and I wouldnt have felt anything. The doctors assistant kept making me laugh during the surgery which kind of upset the doctor. He was having a hard time pulling one of the teeth out and I started laughing at him. My two bottom teeth were pretty much perpendicular to the back molars so he had to break them. He said okay youre going to hear a little crack. It sounded like he was crushing walnuts. I could see him wincing during, you see I have extremely hard teeth from all the milk I drink. I felt no pain afterwards, just completely swollen. I think I lost 5 lbs. from all the meals I missed. I ate a lot of applesauce and pudding that weekend, so I had no problem putting the weight back on. Since I was so hungry I moved to solid and crunchy food a little too soon and caused myself quite a lot of pain. After about 6 days the swelling went down, but then bruising showed. Very yellow, I looked like a jaundice victim. When I went back to have my stiches removed, I asked the assistant about the bruising, she said she punched me while I was unconcious. What she meant to say was they had to break my jaw to get some of the teeth out. OH LOVELY! My mother stayed with me one night and again refused to use the blow up mattress she bought for herself. So an idle mattress awaits one of you hotties, still waiting to be christened.
Forever Rico y Suave,

Jakey


here you can see the perpendicular wisdom teeth, bottom left hand corner and bottom right

removed perpendicular wisdom teeth

and the swollen aftermath