Here is my third trip to south east Europe in 5 months. I am growing quite fond of the region. Everyone plans on going to Western Europe for vacation, but to be sent to these countries for work is definitely special, because I would never think to go here on my own. Our flights were delayed in Tucson and in Dallas; consequently our bags didn’t leave America until 2 days after we did. So my team and I had to wear the same clothes for four days. It was very malodorous. We had a nice layover in Gatwick, 4 hours in the admirals lounge is pretty nice. Whiskey, beer, sandwiches, mmmmm. Going through passport control took almost an hour; wherever I go I always seem to be in the wrong line for passports. They had 6 lines for nationals, but only 1 for foreigners. One thing Americans know how to do is stand in line, there is no such thing as a queue in Europe; you just shove your way to the front. Maybe I should B E more Aggressive.
We are staying at the Hotel Ragnor which is a very nice hotel. Tiled floors, big French doors, the room comes with a robe and slippers and a shower cap, neither of which fit, but that didn’t keep me from wearing them. The hotel serves breakfast and it is very good. Hash browns, grilled tomatoes, French toast, pancakes, yogurt, cereal, it’s very nice. Sunday was just a set up day for us, very easy, Sunday night we went out for pizza and had liter beers. Fuck America and their 12 oz. bottles. I came to drink!
Monday was the pre-conference and it went pretty well. No major hick-ups. I went to fake McDonalds for lunch and had a double cheeseburger. Over here beef is not as plentiful and thusly you cannot get 100% USDA beef. So instead you have this kind of sausage chicken pork patty thing, it tastes okay, but I prefer the American. Monday night we ate at the hotel, we had some schnitzel. Mine came with Bordeaux sauce and roasted potatoes.
Tuesday was the start of the conference and we had a rather boring in-brief, but then we had roll call of nations which is always my favorite. 41 nations this time, it’s like my own little Olympics. After roll call we had our group picture and then coffee break. For lunch I went back to fake McDonalds and had some very good cheap pizza. Only 2 bucks for two slices. Went back to my hotel after work and passed out. Woke up and went to our ice breaker. The ice-breaker is a booze flowing event with lots of finger foods. Mini-quiches, meatballs, chicken nuggets, shish-ka-bobs, bruschetta, and dessert. I proceeded to drink 6 glasses of wine and beer and I was feeling pretty good. Good conversations with my Finland friend and my new friend from NATO. Went up to bed and woke up at 430 am with some serious cotton mouth, slammed a bottle of water and went back to bed. High five to my digestive system.
And now it is currently Wednesday morning and I’ll write some more later on in the week. Wednesday morning went easily, had some more Kolonat, which was the name of the fake McDonalds store. Wednesday afternoon we had a pretty serious rain and that was a shame because our cultural tour was going to be a walking tour. The rain stopped and I decided to go on the tour. It was to the Albania National History Museum and I have to say they don’t have much of a history. They’ve been fighting their whole existence, whether it was fighting for their freedom, or their existence, or being taken over. Obviously the whole museum was in Albanian and I didn’t pay attention to the tour guide. I walked around and looked at all the pictures. The museum was very cold and I had a hard time staying awake, I didn’t really feel like going on the tour, but I figured I would anyways since I’ll never be there again. I came back Wednesday night and went to dinner with my team. Back to place for some liter beer and some schnitzel. It wasn’t very good schnitzel, it had cheese in it and I wasn’t in the mood for any cheese. Plus, it didn’t come with any sides, what’s the deal with that.
Thursday at work was rather boring, same ol same ol. Didn’t do much, just made fun of the French girl, I liked to imagine her like she had hairy armpits and that laughter helped me get through the morning. Thursday afternoon also took forever to get through; in IT you always want things to work correctly, but when stuff breaks at least the time goes by trying to fix it. Thursday night we went to another Italian dinner and I had a really delicious chicken spinach gorgonzola thing. Some bread and some beer. MMm love those carbs. The whole evening we just bashed our bosses, because that’s what good little minions do.
Friday, was the end of the conference and the morning went smoothly, AGAIN. It rained pretty hard and so I could not walk to the fake McDonalds. So I had some delicious chicken sticks in the hotel lobby. That’s chicken fingers for you Americans. We packed up and went home finally about 3pm. Since we did not have to be dressed for the cultural dinner until 715 I decided to go to mall. I thought I could get some Euro trash clothes or some euro trash presents for my friends. The mall was just like any other mall though, food court, men stores, women stores, kids stores, household type shit. I walked into young urban hip store; I know this because that is what the store was called. I bought a euro trash shirt with an E on it. IT was 90% cotton and 10% elastic. It kind of feels like an under armor shirt, or at least that’s the way it looks, very form fitting. Good thing my form is something you want to fit. Walked around the neighborhood, but there wasn’t much to see, and the further I walked the further I walked away from capitalism. Walked past the embassies for Iran and Malta and thought it best to start walking towards the hotel. I unfortunately left my suit at home so I only had a shirt and tie to wear to the dinner. Because the country is very poor, we took city busses to the dinner. Wouldn’t have been the worst thing, but it was a 35 minute ride up a dirt road. The roads are paved, but they must have been paved when my parents were my age. They are bumpy and hole ridden. We show up to a restaurant and take our seats. The appetizers were already on the table waiting for us, a protein fest covered in mayonnaise. I devoured it; Hash would have stayed away from it. On table were bottles of wine, beer, and some clear shit that I should have stayed away from. The main meal was unrecognizable parts from unrecognizable animals. If you haven’t figured it out yet, I devoured them. While this was going on I pretty much slammed an entire bottle of wine by myself. 6 glasses in about 3 hours, a bottle beer, and 3 shots of that clear shit I should have stayed away from. Now, certainly my tolerance peaked in college, but I can drink that much still, just not in three hours. Well before you know it I went from sober to drunk. No stop at buzzville. I took pictures we people I didn’t even recognize, nobody said no, why would you say no when some giant American is trying to take his picture with you. He may crush you. We actually got a third meal, it was fries and knuckles. Not sure which animal, but you can draw the same conclusions. In what seemed like seconds they said the busses were ready and we ran out of the restaurants like cockroaches with the lights just turned on. I slept the whole way down the mountain. Some may say passed out, but I liked to think I was resting my eyes. From the bust stop to the hotel I walked there like Billy from Family Circus walked home. I did my best to walk straight; it’s amazing I was standing at all. Lo and behold there was a party going on in the lobby. Well I went up and got my liter of water, because I knew I would be hurting in the morning if I didn’t. People tried to buy me beer by I wouldn’t let them. I talked with the Americans, the Germans, and the Fins. Said my farewells and went up to my room. Now it’s about 210 in the morning, and you know what that means, late night European TV, means free porn. Watched a little and went to bed.
Saturday morning I woke up at 810 am pretty upset because I didn’t have to wake up, but it was bright and luckily I only had a headache, not stomach ache. Went down for breakfast, had some cereal and juice, but that was all I could handle. Some of the people were going down to site see and take some pictures, but I had some more sleeping to do. I could not sleep because my stomach was churning and then the hard swallowing came. Then the wet burp. Then the wet hiccup. Then it was the sad walk of shame because I knew what was coming. Went down and knelt at the porcelain throne, mimicked the motion to get myself started and the flood gates opened. My intestines pumped 4 times, the 2nd and 3rd pumps breakfast came out. I haven’t thrown up since the sun bowl and this was pretty horrible. I stood up and fell down because my knees buckled. DIDN’T I TELL YOU NOT TO DRINK UNIDENTIFIED CLEAR SHIT. So I went back to lying down but couldn’t get any sleep, I was developing a fever and was tossing and turning, all of sudden, no warning, I run to the bathroom because here come the flood gates. Except I have eaten anything or drank anything, and this is even worse, barfing nothing is not fun. Im pretty scared at this point, thinking maybe I have food poison from eating unidentified parts of unidentified animals, but after the 5th pump I feel that sweet relief that we all know. Bought an $8 water from the mini bar and finally got some much needed rest. We didn’t leave until 7pm so I was able to suffer alone and just chill until our check out time. The flight to London was okay, luckily I had the exit row. I fell asleep and ended up drooling on myself. More shame I brought to the Eggemeyer family. Our London hotel was very chic. The plaza royale. We had wood floors a big not-twin-size bed. And of course robes. Slept like a champ. Included was a giant American size breakfast, went to town on that.
I really enjoyed Heathrow airport. They had a nice Admirals Club, security didn’t suck. But I did get stopped 3 times. Terrorists are generally very pale and do wear pink. Bag search, person search, shoe search, the 5 w’s on why Im in London. The flight home was nice, got to see Juno, Bee Movie, and August Rush. Landed in Chicago where it was snowing, but it didn’t delay us. Chicago to Tucson is one of the longest 3 hour flights in the world, but I made it. Another trip, safe and sound. And 92% healthy.
Love that Jameson Whiskey,
Jacob
