So everyone and their mother were upset with me for going to Hawaii.They all thought it was going to be beaches, bahama mamas, and surfs up.Well as you will clearly see, going to Hawaii can mean a lot of things.
Thursday
Well we started a journey flying to LA, and then I got upgraded to first class for the Kona trip.
(Okay so don’t pay attention to that part.)
We next checked into the 4 star Hilton Waikoloa Resort, where I slept in a giant queen size bed.
(Also, strike from your memory that you just heard that part.)
Friday
We headed up to Pohakuloa Training Area.This is where you can start paying attention, and if so choose, you can feel sorry for me.PTA is a dump from the Korean War.These barracks were filthy, mice and ant infested, as well as poorly insulated.Did you know it gets to 40 degrees in Hawaii, well not in Waikiki, but where we were it was about 6500 feet.Yeah very cold.So, due to some sort of constraints we had to double up.I got to share with senior most member of our group.He was 44 years my senior.We got along marvelous though, he went to bed late, and he got up late too.The rest of my team thinks that no matter what time you go to bed, waking up at 4 is a good idea; they also think you should go to the chow hall the second it opens.So many fallacies, I have no idea where to start.They also snore.I thought grizzly bears were attacking our Quonset hut.So you say you have no idea what a Quonset hut is.I double dog dare you to Google it right now.Well don’t Google it, I couldn’t find any good examples of it.It’s basically a 180 degree arched building.You’ll see pictures in a later blog.
Saturday
The mess hall was not serving breakfast on the weekend.They only had brunch and dinner.Mas puta!!!There really wasn’t anything set up for us.We had to get chairs, tables, power.What kind of facility doesn’t supply power?Other than that we didn’t really do anything.
Sunday
Kind of the same.Pre exercise setup, only two meals again.Aaaaand more beer drinking.
Monday
This was the first day of testing.It was as if a cluster had a cluster of its own and somehow managed to jack that up.There were so many countries with missing equipment, missing batteries, “I don’t know how to use the equipment I brought”, ”When you say 0800 you mean 0930ish right?!?!?”Good night.Plus the leadership there is bumfuck backwards.Way too many chefs, not enough sous chefs.I think we should do it my way; well my way is better than yours, but its 180 degrees different than yours.Yeah but, my way is better and I’m fly, so we’ll do it my way.They ended up cancelling testing for that day.
Tuesday
Testing commenced after the opening ceremonies.The days following were pretty uneventful, so I may jumble them together starting tomorrow.At the end of the day we had to attend country briefings.This is when a country gets up and gives a quick tourism report on what they do and what they offer.Pretty boring, but whatever, OTC FTW!!
Wednesday-Friday
Pretty much the same thing happened every day at work.Print DCFs, eat a lunch, drink lots of beer at night and go to country briefs.New Zealand, Japan, and Philippines were very funny.They had funny things to say as well and some things got lost in translation, especially with their accents.
Saturday
We were off the entire weekend.Saturday was a bus long cultural tour.We had a very knowledgeable tour guide who gave us the entire history of Parker Ranch.How Parker came to power, how he got his start, how he got in on with the natives; it was very interesting.Our first stop was to Akaka falls.It was a very beautiful waterfall; 400 feet long.It also had an interesting story.The falls are said to be the tears of a betrayed lover.Next it was on to the Volcanoes National Park.It was pretty sweet.If you’ve been watching the show for some time now, you would know that I’ve done all this before.You would remember my analogy to Mordoor and such.The Volcanoes were steaming like normal, although since my last visit they have had more lava floor and part of the road was closed.So I actually saw a lot less.Then we were off again to taste some Kona Coffee and Macadamia Nuts.Now in case you were curious why those things were so expensive, it’s not because they are better quality and are only grown on that island.The reason they are so expensive is that they are handpicked.There is no way to get machines or vehicles along the hills, because the hills cannot support that much weight.So they must be handpicked and thus the price is so expensive.Next, we headed to the black sand beach.It’s a beach like any other, soft crystalline sand.This sand, however, was once very coarse lava, over the years through water erosion and such it’s now sexified and soft.Our driver was talking about avoiding the sea turtles, not to touch them less ye want a fine.What does every single motherfucker do when we get there?Touch them, touch their flippers, touch their shell, and take pictures with them.No fines were levied, oh well.We then had about an hour drive back to Kona and I took a nice nap, as did the rest of the bus.We stopped in a mini shopping center and grabbed some pretty crappy Chinese.It was better than crappy mess hall food.We got back to the base around 8 or so and I just watched a movie.
Sunday
Got up late this morning and watched another movie.I finished out the Bourne trilogy.Then I joined my comrades for a barbeque at the gazebo.We had hamburgers, and hot dogs, and lots of beer.Ohh beer, the cause and solution to all of life’s problems.I did some internet surfing on that day.It was mostly just a chillax day.
Monday
We did a little bit of minor testing; one of the nations did all of their tests that day.The rest of the exercise was for spectrum training and scenario play.Kind of lame if you ask me, but that’s what the nations want to do.The next few days I helped out with minor stuff, but I mostly just poked it and surfed the internet.
Tuesday
Pretty much the same as Monday
Wednesday
Pretty much the same as Tuesday
Thursday
This was the DV day, what some call the Day of Stars, because generals and admirals come out to play.You do a lot of picture taking and glad handing.It also came one day early that was scheduled.Our boss gave us the option to either stay as scheduled or put us up in a hotel for two days.We chose the hotel.On DV day it’s usually a shorter day and then you get a bunch of free time.Normally on the last day there is a big party at night.On this night, however, they had the going away party and DV dinner on the same night.Like I said, we chose the hotel.So as soon as the closing ceremonies were over we packed up and got the funk out of dodge.PTA was a huge dump and I was glad I went, but also glad I’ll never go back.We checked back into that 4 star resort that I told you to forget about.Had some pizza for dinner, drank a beer and went to sleep amidst a cacophony of wild birds.The wild birds would not shut up, but I managed to fall asleep in my big luxurious queen size bed with a nice comfortable thermostatified temperature.
Friday
Woke up early, had some breakfast, went to the pool and had a bahama mama.Oh yeah life is good.Then we were off on our own journey of the island.We went to most northern point on the island.We got some macadamia nut ice cream.We got some grass fed beef hamburgers.We went to another black sand beach, but we had to hike down the side of a freaking mountain to do it and it was worth it, hot damn was it worth it.Then we went to the other side of Volcanoes National Park.Remember when I said the road was closed because of recent lava flows; well this was on the opposite side of this lave flow.We got there just before dusk and boy was this baby cooking.This particular lava flow has been oozing for over 20 years, never really explosive, just slow and steady.When the lava hits the water it instantly turns to steam and the steam cloud rises some 50 feet in the air.Every once in awhile you would get a “gusher” and you can actually see the glowing amber of the liquid magma.As night was settling the ground appeared to glow and you could see more and more of the lava.The area is not lit up night so we had to leave before it got too too dark.Its about a ½ mile trek from the vantage point to the parking lot; by the time we got back to our car, that steam cloud was emitting a nice orange glow.We had about a 2 hour drive back to the hotel.I wouldn’t say this beat the greatest one day road trip of my life, but it’s a close second.
Saturday
Got up, had some breakfast, and went back to the pool to work on my tan and workout my liver.Mas bahama mama and some drink called a 180 seconds.Not sure what’s in it, but I pretty much drank it in 180 seconds.And now Im buzzed.I stayed out there for about another hour maxing and relaxing.I ended becoming one shade darker; a shade I call dark pale.We had to check out at noon, but our flight wasn’t until 5pm, so we went over to Macaroni Grill and had some bread, and some pizza, and some wine.The bartender even bought us a round.What a jolly good fellow.We headed to the airport and we still had quite a layover, so we had some more beer and watched football.Our flight from Kona Honolulu was pretty easy, it’s pretty much up and down.I was hoping for an upgrade from Honolulu to Dallas since I get unlimited domestic upgrades.I had called during the week and they said I was on the waitlist and then they said business class was sold out.When I got to Honolulu I didn’t ask for an upgrade, I just assumed I was still on the list.My coworker, who is my equal in AA’s eyes, got upgraded.So I just assumed I would be next, the next person who got upgraded was below me.Well I just lost it, I threw a freaking tantrum, and turned into that douchey white guy I never wanted to be.Now keep in mind these feelings were all in my head, none were vocalized, but I was so embarrassed.I thought when did I turn into a guy with a blue blazer, who drinks white wine spritzers, and who has a old girlfriend named Muffy who hand carries her little white dog named Schnookums.Ohh I was upset with myself.I went over to the counter and asked them about my upgrade, they said I wasn’t on the list.They asked if I would like to be.Why in the heck would I not want an upgrade?You should just upgrade me automatically and if I decline, I decline, but suffice it say I got my upgrade and all was well.I had a shitty shit eating grin on my face, I went ahead and ordered a white wine spritzer and went to bed.
Sunday
I woke up around 7am CST.I slept through breakfast but it was okay, I got about 4 hours of good sleep.We had our flight about 2 hours later.Or so we thought, we took off as normal, but about 30 minutes into the flight, alarms started blaring and the pilot came over the intercom.Sorry folks we lost our fuel pump.We are going back to DFW.They later cancelled that flight altogether and we were put on the very next plane.Problem, though, was that the flight was already booked.They found room for me but it was in the way way back.The rest of first class was in the way way back.The people wearing fancy pearls and diamonds, and I think some women had a on fur, they were all in the back.“Oh how quaint, I haven’t been back here in years”I hadn’t been back there in 1.5 years.It was tough, when I do sit back there I usually have exit row, but I was in the way way back and my knees were in my chest.To top it all off we were on the plane for an hour before takeoff, on this plane the hydraulic pump had broke.So we had to wait for that to finish.So we ended up being delayed about 4 hours total.Oh well, OTC!!
So that was my trip to the Hawaiian Islands.Over all pretty good.I would recommend, Oahu, Maui, or Hawaii, they are all pretty good.I would not recommend PTA, you can go ahead and skip that one.
All aboard the Carnival FunShip!!! Yiiiikes you are very excited at your job is what I thought when I entered the old Spruce Goose hangar. Friday Sammy, Andrew, and I were running late, we were some of the last individuals to board the ship. Andrew and I went to visit Sammy for Fourth of July weekend. We flew out that Friday and went over to Balboa peninsula. It was pretty crazy over there; it reminded me a lot of South Padre Island. Everyone was partying: on the beaches, in houses, in bars. All we needed were some college flags and some tug-of-war contests. Friday night we ended up just hanging out at home. Saturday Was the Fourth. It took quite a while to get going in the morning. There were about 9 people in the house and everyone wanted something else for breakfast, so it was off to the grocery where everyone could just buy what they wanted. We eventually headed back out to Balboa Peninsula. It turns out I was the whitest guy on the beach. We played a lot of flip cup, Andrew was dominating, and I sort of kind of brought up the rear. We went for a pretty awesome bicycle ride, and then headed over to John Wayne’s bar. We hit up some house parties along the way. We found some guy who was in his underwear and the girls seemed fascinated; especially when he pulled out his nuts. He did. He pulled out his nuts. After Andrew got thoroughly sloshed we ended up going home. Some people slept, some people showered. After a while we played this game that was a mix between charades and win lose or draw. But it was adult themed, it was awesome. The boys lost, only because the girls got easy questions. Sunday Another late morning, we were on a quest for food and ended up going to a diner. I had some healthy breakfast tacos. We chilled for awhile, Sammy packed and then we headed to Long Beach to board the ship. Ships Log Sunday We got on the ship and people were already hitting up the buffets; fucking fat bastards. We haven’t even Bon Voyaged and your stuffing yourself at the pizza bar and the hot sandwich bar. We were staying on the Lido deck which was deck 9. Which, by the way, was the nearest to all the buffets. Shortly after setting sail we had to do a safety check, the entire boat was in life jackets on the muster deck and getting instructions on how to board the life boats. Afterwards, I went for a walk around the boat to check things out. Went by the gym and the spa, people were signing up left and right for massages and weight loss programs. How to lose your guy, how to increase your metabolism, how to get rid of your varicose veins. How about you stay away from the pizza bar and just exercise a little more and sleep a little more. Easier said than done I suppose. Later we were off to dinner, it was 830, it turns out we have assigned seating and we lucked out that our tablemates were pretty cool. Couple of guys in their twenties, two teenagers, and a father. We got along pretty well and they were all Carnival Alumnae, so they knew all the dos and don’ts and the things to stay away from. The food in the dining area was really good. Very fancy type foods: filet mignon, lobster, chateaubriand, cherries jubilee, bananas foster, crème brule!! It’s all included and you can order seconds or thirds or you can order two different entrees, three different appetizers. I sometimes get the feeling that the staff thinks, “Ughh, you stupid Americans, you are so wasteful” But they do this week in week out. They say good choice sir and bring you your first course. After dinner we went to the opening show. They have Vegas style shows; they are kind of weak, but still entertaining. After that I just called it a night. Monday This was our first full day at sea and it was cold as balls. I was also the whitest individual on ship, even whiter than Pillow Blanket Powder from Iowa, he’s the whitest. That day I went to the gym. It was alright, a little hard to run on the treadmill while the floor is moving. It was also tough to do overhead exercises, because the ceiling was only about 7.5 feet. My arms go above 8 feet when extended. After that Zach and I played some miniature golf. We ended up playing about 5 times over the week, I went 2-3. I then did some sun bathing, but with SPF 45 you don’t get to brown. Maybe I’ll just buy browning lotion. I then got some pizza from the 24 hour pizza place. Went back to the room and got changed. That night was our first formal evening. We were all in tuxedos. I looked pretty pimp. It was a fun evening too, we had lots of wine, and the wait staff was dancing and singing. Afterwards, we went to watch some of that night’s Vegas show, they were nightly. It was also weak, but I watched the whole thing. Then I went over to the crap table and turned 100 dollars into 200. Not a lot of money, but it’s always nice to double your money. The crap table, along with the rest of the ship, is staffed with Eastern Europeans. Romania, Belarus, Hungary; all hot, and there was a Jamaican. One of the best stick chicks I’ve ever had. Around 2 I called it a night. Tuesday I skipped breakfast because I got in late, but my family rang and knocked at both doors, so I didn’t really get the best sleep. Tuesday was another full day at sea, only this time we had gotten far enough south that it was warm out. Warm out = Jacob takes off his shirt. This was the first day we actually looked at the ships agenda of activities. We noticed there were quite a few trivia challenges. So we rolled into the first was, aptly called ‘Who wants to be a carnivalaire’, we rolled in there like the gangsters in paradise that we are. We spanked the fuck out of fellow shipmates. They were not expecting that shit. We earned a plastic trophy and that now became our only goal; to attend every trivia and breathe fire and brimstone on these bitches. I worked on my tan that day and played some more miniature golf. I took a nap a little later on in the afternoon, basically slept until dinner. Dinner was good as always. That night I went back to the crap and lost my gains, I was now back at even. Wednesday This was our first day in port. We were in Puerto Vallarta and we had no idea what to do. We didn’t plan any shore excursions through Carnival; which I recommend no one do. Just get off the boat and choose a vendor. There are literally one thousand things to do and so many of your closest amigos you didn’t know you had wanting to help you. We found some guy who was going to take us to the rain forest, to a tequila factory, (I don’t like the work tequilera), and zip lining. Zip lining was pretty intense. Zach and I did that. Dad and Andrew drank beer in the restaurant. We had really cool tour guides. We were pretty high up when we did this. We were at about 400 meters and the longest line was 700 meters. Later on we went to the tequila factory, more just the factory showroom, which was fine with me. I don’t need to see the process, I just wanted to taste the by product. It was T A S T Y !!! We had a really funny host. Lots of funny jokes and doing stereotypical Mexican stuff that I just love. Probably the best tequila Ive ever had. Next I made my pilgrimage to HRC and finally went to Senor Frogs. It was an experience, not bad not too good. It just reminds me of a hangover waiting to happen. My dad and I decided to hoof it back to the boat, it was about 2 miles. We stopped and got some Indio, which is the best beer you’ve probably never had or heard of. After we got back to the boat we just chilled and went to our assigned dinner time. I didn’t eat much because I ate at Senor Frogs, the waiter was very disappointed with me. That night I think I just crashed. I crashed with Zach cuz Samm left us, because shes lame and Andrew snores. Zach and I had to fight, and of course I won. Thursday We were in Mazatlan this day. Again we just walked out and found a driver. We lucked out because he was awesome. He had beer, water, and sodas in his van waiting for us. He called us all by our Spanish name. Andres, Jacobo, Ricardo, and Zacharias. We started out by going through the hills and he gave some history facts. We stopped at an old fort and bought some souvenirs from some street vendors. Next we stopped to watch some cliff divers. They were okay, they begged everyone for some money afterwards. Next we stopped by a church, then they started having mass, so I said we needed to get the funk out of there and fast. We next stopped at a flea market. Walked around, saw lots of food for sail. Saw a cows head, he winked at me. By this time were getting a little hungry so we headed over to get some food. I had already had a few drinks in me, but it was nothing compared to the 3 Cadillac margaritas I was about to devour. I had some chorizo and shrimp, it was very tasty. The chips were also pretty good. Without warning I had finished my last Cadillac margarita. I was now drunk. As I was walking out I saw a guy wearing a UTEP shirt. I basically ran up to him and hugged him. Luckily he was cool with it. I am gigantic and Im a stranger. After that hugging episode we went parasailing. It was amazing, I felt like I was flying. It was parasailing from the coast not a boat. So I was not reeled back into the boat, I had to land. I was told during my briefing that I was to pull on the right side of my parachute when I saw the flag. In my drunken logic I concurred with him and said okay. After I was done flying I saw the flag and proceeded to pull down on the right side as well as the left side. I pulled them down with all my might. Let me tell you Im currently ranked 3,284,395,153 out of roughly 6,000,000,000 people. I pretty much launched myself into the Gulf of California. The whole coastline was whooping and hollering. I ruined my camera, I felt like a dumbass, and all the people were shouting pinche jacobo. I got back into the van, the guy driver was laughing the whole time. I think I blacked out for most of the ride home. When he got back to the ship I hugged him and said thank you. That night my drunkenness had worn off and I was hangover free. I think I called it an early night. Friday This was our day in Cabo San Lucas. We did not hit pay dirt a third time with a tour guide. I don’t think it was his fault. There isn’t anything to do in Cabo except go to the beach and drink. Not sites to see, its basically just a man made resort town. Its nothing but desert, dirt, rock, cactus, and then a dark blue sea. It was also hot as balls. He took us around and we some things, but I wasn’t really feeling it. We had some really good Mexican food. I stopped by HRC got some pins and then we headed back to the boat. We got on the boat at 2pm and just hung out. That night was our last formal evening night. We had some more great food. That night I went back to crap table and I won some money. Saturday This was our last day at sea. It was also our last day to win some trivia contests, we went 2 for 4. We won cartoon theme song as well as happy hour trivia. We lost the geography trivia, it was seriously tough though. We played some miniature golf, some cornhole, drank some alcohol. Packed our shit up and just hung out. Sunday Got up ass early, we were literally the 9th group off the boat. We jumped in the first fan taxi and we were off to LAX. Andrew and I didn’t fly for 3 hours so we read and took a nap and got something to eat. My flight was only about 1 hour and change and I slept for all of that. In conclusion, Im down to do another cruise, especially with you. It was lots of fun and theyre pretty cost effective. You pay one price and that includes your room and board, they have bars and clubs and casinos. You don’t have to worry about a DD or anything. Sleep as little or as much as youd like. Any takers????
