buenvenidos a miami

Preface
I did not hang out with any famous people. No NBA All-Stars. No Famous Rap Artists. No Famous Actors or Actresses. If you want a recounting of such tales, please see little egg, for he is the truer party animal.

Story

I went to see Sammy last week and honestly had no intentions of partying it up with celebrities. If I could of met a famous woman that would have been nice, but it was not on my to do list. What was on my to do list was to hit up all three hard rock cafes in the area. Miami, Hollywood, and Hollywood Hotel and Casino. Check on all three!
I arrived Friday night and we went down to Hollywood. Very bustling area. Casino, restaurants, night clubs, shopping. We had sushi at a restaurant called TaTu. Not the lesbian loving singers, but their Oriental counterpart. At the end of our meal they brought us warm sour apple cotton candy, don't know why but I ate it. Afterwards Samm couldn't make up her mind which friend she wanted to hang out with and whether we would be partying in Ft. Lauderdale or Miami. Well she decided on her former college roommate, who happens to be a looker. So we went to some wine bar, where I had some beer. The roommates Dad knows some people, so we got in for free and he comped our drinks. Then we decided to go meet some more of Samm's industry friends. We went to a party at the Sagamore Hotel. That was pretty cool, had lots of Vodka there. Talked with the roommate mostly. Turns out she's also a brother from DSP, so we mostly talked about that. I also met Sammy's most recent sugar daddy; he's a pretty nice guy. We then went to a club called Mynt. He paid for me and we went inside and met one of Samm's current roommates. And since they are both good looking, I get free drinks because I'm the brother. This club was very much a club that I wouldn't be able to get in on my own. Dancing girls on pedestals. Funky light shows. Techno music. And only clear liquors are served. Very loud. Lots of popped collars and girls with rags on that are considered dresses. I liked the last part. After that we went to a pizza place, got home about 430 and fell asleep.

Woke up Saturday afternoon, took the former roommate home, and went to lunch. I told Samm the wonders of Ron Paul, she said who is that. Oh well... Afterwards we went down to the beach, walked around, went shopping, people watched, and just took it easy. We had dinner at a seafood restaurant on the Miami River. Very good, I ate an entire Snapper. MMMM. Afterwards we got some wine and dessert and watched a movie at her place. I'm sure one of you will ridicule me for not going back to South Beach, but sometimes its fun to just stay at home.

Sunday we got up and went to brunch. Then walked over to Miami HRC. We walked passed an outdoor stage and amphitheater and the entire Cuban population was standing in line to get in. I asked one of Samms roommates what was going on. What was the party for? He said, it's Sunday, they always party on Sundays. Around the HRC are a marina and different shops and bars. Had a really good mojito and then a really bad German beer. But the conch fritters were very tasty. After that Samm took me shopping, I have no fashion sense or color coordination skills. Many of you feel that way also. Couldn't find anything that fit my weird proportions. Came home and got ready to go. We went to a really good Chinese restaurant with the sugar daddy. Had some really good appetizers and wine, and the food was really good. Afterward we went to a hotel to play bingo. Sounds old, but it isn't. The ball caller had a sexual innuendo or funny remark for every number. Uncle Jason's favorite number O-69. O-70, 69 plus the pinky, O-72, 69 plus the shocker. In order to be Michael Jackson's boyfriend you must B-14. Its okay you are going to live its B-9. And many more! The sugar daddy bought us a couple bottles of wine. Samm won a week at the Spa, very very fun night.

Monday I had to go back home, but since Samm has no vacation I had to get to the airport 3 hours before my flight. Sucky. Flights were okay, see below. Got home and continued on with life. Had a really good time, Miami is a great place to live and work and party, if you haven't been, do it.

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie is no longer good, saw it 20 years ago yay, today nay,

Jacob

Epilogue

And now an open letter to Matt Brown. Specifically about your parent company Continental Airlines. I'm a big fan of AA, mostly because that's what we usually fly and I'm rather high in their frequent flyer program. I hadn't flown Continental in over 10 years. I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. They give a small snack on every flight. I thought only European airlines did that because AA does not do that. I had enough room back in coach. Everything was nice. My one bone to pick with you is, Continental attracts some of the most retarded people as customers I have ever seen. All four my flight segments were riddled with retards. Before I continue I have to say I give a pass to old people. There is nothing you can do about being slow; I'll be there one day. But where does it state that at age 65 you get to forget everything you learned in your whole life and act as if you've never seen a flying contraption that you are now boarding. The inability to fasten seat belts, the non comprehension of where to put your bags, can't figure out which seat is ABC or DEF. Next we have the general population which is made of fuck-tards. Every single person brought aboard a piece of luggage that clearly should have been checked, but they insisted on trying to put it in the overhead bin. A lot of them think they are sneaky, thinking they'll put their stuff in the overhead above rows 10 or 11 and then go take their seat in row 24. Well the people who are sitting in row 10 or 11 now have to come to the back and try and stuff there oversized luggage into the bins as well. Then we had the Asians who were going on a family cruise and had worked out a cheap deal. They had every middle seat in every row, but were trying to ask people to switch so they could sit together. People were making the nice gesture and trying to accommodate them, but then those people wanted to sit together too. A giant cluster fuck if I ever seen one, finally the flight attendants had to politely say Ass In Seat, just so they could close the doors. But the winner of retarded customers goes to, a young girl from Minneapolis who was going on her first cruise. Young girl, in college, was invited down here by some friends. But had no idea where she was going, which cruise line, or for how long. I know this because she said so. When it came time to order her drinks, she asked for a diet coke. Yes that will help you to slim down. Since this particular airplane flies in and out of Latin America they had the Spanish versions of everything. Most things are the same but; Diet Coke south of the border is called Coke light. Other than that, same can, same font, same. Well she looked at it and re-orders, "No, I had a diet-coke". That's diet coke from Mexico, it's the same. "Well, you see, I asked for American Diet Coke, not Coke Light" Yes I know, but it's the same, only we were stocked in Mexico and that's what they have there. "Well, could you check to see if you have a Diet" The guy actually looked, but couldn't find one. He told her everything I told you about it, and pleaded with her to just try it. She did and after smacking her lips for what was the world's longest taste-test, she capitulated and said it was good. You get a pass if you've never been south of the border, but that pass is only good for 1 or 2 questions, not 12. So Matt, I will continue to fly your airline when it is most convenient or cheapest, but I was just curious if you felt that way sometimes too. Almost all of the flights took a good 30 minutes to board. That is absolutely un-called for on 737. Thanks for listening.

Jacob
FF DK-xxxxx

from samms balcony

again

again

again

at the beach

mas playa

us

some hot air balloon you can take a trip on

christopher columbus

us

samm and sugar daddy

im very white in comparison to dominican repbulican

us

may sweeps

Through miracle of weekends, holidays, and leave without pay I should be off the better part of the week before memorial week. May 19-26th. So what does that mean to all of you? Well if any of you are jealous of Paul, Catherine, Ian, Corrie, Samm, or the El Paso crew, you too can have your own blog. I am accepting applications and submissions up through April. So if you have a couch, a spare bedroom, a blow up mattress, a blow up doll, or just move your clothes off the wall. We can go exploring in your city, drink copious amounts of adult beverages, take pictures, and maybe even go to a HRC. Let me know, Im very excited to hear from you.

I have to say I dont care for French Bordeaux's

Jacob

swiss pictures

here are pictures from switzerland

from the street near my hotel

another mountain

my hotel

a frozen pond

another hotel

an asian garden thing

another hotel

the river that runs through interlaken

a chruch

another church

the view from my hotel

theyre flamboyant and delicious

from the hall where we had our ice breaker

the same hall

the dome of kasino kursall

another room in the casino

a seperate dining room

part of the dance hall

another hall

another picture of the alps

a bridge

more mountains

some architecture

the lay of the land

the cobblestone streets of the chateau

the guy who invented alien had a museum here

check it

from the other side of the chateau

the graveyard

where the peasants live

see i was really there

no touching yourself on the bus

not even if you stand up

dont think about doing it in the bathroom

if it gets out of control and away from you

we'll break your arm

the cheese turning robot

where they supposedly churn the curds and whey

cosby show is known the world over

that really steep mountain

see its very pointy

at the top of the ski resort

the lodge below

so those are pictures i hope you enjoyed them

puffs now come with vicks built in, sweet!!!

jacob

switzerland

My first two stints out of the country were flawless as far as packing my luggage went. This time, however, I left three key components. Money, belt, ties, I remembered the money while I was still in the parking lot of my place, but I didn’t remember the ties or belt until I was half way to Tucson. My boss would later apologize for taking me to the only country where they don’t sell belts. Getting back to the travel, my flight plan was pretty shitty. Tucson, DFW, JFK, Zurich. Going home, Zurich, London, DFW, and Tucson. But like you all know, everything seems to come up Jacob. I slept the entire flight from Tucson to DFW because we left at 550 am, which meant I got up at 330 am. On the flight from DFW to JFK we were on a 2 X 3 and I was in the two section and no one was next to me. I was thinking it was going to be pretty sweet to have the extra leg room for the 3 hour flight. Well at the last second some big tall women gets on the plane. I saw her out of my periph bent over, and thought to myself, I am really attracted to panty-hose. Then I saw her face and was sad because she was old. Well she was putting her stuff in the overhead compartment up by row 7 and was in 11. Then she started to walk towards the back and I was thinking, shit shit shit. She stops at row 12 and then moves back up to 11 and says to me I’m sitting next to you, grumble grumble grumble. I casually look at her boarding pass and it says 12a, damn woman sit where you are assigned. Well it turns out she is a flight attendant and she gets hooked up during the flight. I get half of her lunch and she lends me the departed to watch. That was nice of her. We eventually start talking and she says she’s from Sao Paulo and her name is Dulce. And it true charming fashion, I say Sweet. She says hables espanol, I say nein. She says sprechen sie deutsch, I say no and we continue our conversation in English. Well it turns out she is the flight attendant for my flight between JFK and Zurich, but she’s working business class not cattle class. Well during the flight a couple of the flight attendants come by with the drink cart and offer me alcohol courtesy of Dulce. Sweet I say again, but they didn’t find it amusing. Then they come back with more and again say courtesy of Dulce. One of them gets curious and asks how long she and I have been friends, I say since Dallas. And he’s taken a back. Then another one comes up and asks how long she and I go back, I say about 4,000 miles west of here. “Well who’s the smooth talker?”, “I guess both of us” As I’m waking up Dulce comes and give me a package and wishes me a safe trip. In the bag is a bottle of pinot noir and a bottle of champagne and a first class amenity kit. Way to go me! My seat partner asks to see what’s in the bag and I show him and he says wow, that’s nice. Yeah, as I’m de-boarding the plane the flight attendants from my class give me goodbye snooty comments. Well maybe they should take a lesson from Dulce. I say goodbye to my seat partner who turns out to be from Turkey and he’s a wanted felon because he refused to serve in the army and emigrated here. Hmm, the things you’ll learn if you ask. As a platinum member of American I get to use the lounge for overseas flights. JFK lounge is pretty nice. Couple free drinks, quiet clean lounge. We landed in Zurich at 7am Saturday morning and had to wait about an hour for our transportation to pick us up. We had a two hour trip to Interlaken, which equals sleepy bye bye time for Jacob. Sadly, I slept through the only time I would have been able to take pictures of the lakes that make up the laken part of Interlaken. Oh well, I was sleepy. When we arrived at hotel, the Hotel du Nord, conveniently located next to a XXX shop, we weren’t allowed to check in until 2 pm. So what did my stupid American teammates want to do? Go to Hooters. I don’t even like going to Hooters in the states, why would I got there overseas. Well our waitress was of average good looks and there is where I had sticker shock and got a glimpse of how expensive eating out would be. Beer and chicken fingers were 20. 10 chicken wings were 25. About 2 we were allowed to check in and I immediately jumped in the shower to try and stay awake. It’s key to stay up as late as possible, that way you can shock your system in sleeping in the new time zone. Which is 8 hours ahead of my current one. Got up Sunday morning to a lovely European breakfast. Which is just cold cuts and hard boiled eggs. Europeans are thinner because then eat no refined white flour. Just pure protein, breakfast lunch and dinner, there’s always meat. Hardly ever any vegetables or fruit. Sunday was kind of a lax day, just set up the network; unfortunately I couldn’t get skiing into the schedule. Sunday night we went to a pizzeria where I had a 28 dollar pizza and I was still hungry. Monday was the pre-conference and it went fairly smooth. Monday night we went to some German restaurant. There is a dish called Rosti, which translates to the best mother fucking hash browns you will ever eat. If you are ever looking upon a menu that you have no idea how to translate and you see Rosti, trust in me that that dish will be tasty. I didn’t learn this until I got my plate of food which translated in to grilled turkey with cauliflower and brussel sprouts. I really need to buy Rosetta stone. Tuesday was the start of the conference and is always by far my favorite day because they do roll call of nations. I think there were 39 countries this time. It’s just really interesting to see the contingencies from these countries, their uniforms and ranks. Some only have 1 or 2 delegates. Some have 4 or 5, others 7 or 8. The mighty US and A has about 47. Well we host the thing and we are the primary financial backers of this, so we might at as well send any and everybody. Tuesday night was the ice-breaker, free food and liquor. This was being held in the Kasino Kursall, which is a very old casino in Interlaken, beautifully gilded chandeliers and banisters and molding. The Swiss army band played for us, the highlight of the night was them playing eye of the tiger and the entire Dutch delegation singing along. I was fairly inebriated and thusly slept like a charm. Tuesday afternoon our network went to hell in a hand basket and it went quickly. We tried everything from checking cables, ports, switches, interfaces, web servers, database servers, access points, ad hoc networks, P2P networks and just couldn’t find the culprit. There is a saying we have in IT, PFM, what fixed the issue? Answer, PFM. Pure Fucking Magic. It’s kind of my mantra and once you have exhausted yourself, usually PFM will rear its ugly head and you can say it’s working again because of that. And everyone goes on loving the Jacob; see everything always comes up Jacob. Wednesday, however, PFM took a leave of absence and we had problems throughout the day and everyone was getting pissed off. I had the fine duty of telling majors and lieutenant colonels they could not work and that they would just have to be patient and wait. Something I’m sure they don’t hear very often. We cut the wireless and ran cables and it seemed to work out okay. One of the problems with attending a giant communications planning conference is everyone is technically inclined and of course has their own opinion and they want to work on the problem too. So I had to puff out my USA chest and say listen Finland, Germany, Uzbekistan, Fuck off, you’re not helping. Whatever, were all friends afterwards in the bar, but its hard 10 hours with everyone scowling at you and generally pissed off in my general direction. Thursday was a short day because we had our cultural tour in the afternoon. We took an hour bus ride to the Gruyere Chateau and to the Gruyere cheese factory. The chateau was nice, cobble stones and small shops and inns. Very Swiss miss if you ask me. The cheese at the cheese factory was really good, very stinky, but it makes your tummy happy. The tour was guided by audio controllers and it was late in the day so when the guide was talking about people stirring the curds and whey, everyone had gone home for the day and there wasn’t anything to look at in the kitchen. Kind of a weak cultural tour but better than being in the office. Friday was kind of a high tension day between my boss and I, we had to break down the network and save all of our work earlier than we are accustom too. So voices were raised in both directions. We got everything packed up and into its travel case just in time for the out briefing. Our cultural dinner was held at the top of a mountain. This meant we were driven up to a ski resort and I got to see what I was missing. We had a 30 minute gondola ride up to the top and had an outstanding dinner, vegetable soup with pancake strips, tomato and mozzarella salad, veal and Rosti, and some kind of ice cream puff chocolate liquor dessert. Too make matter worse we had an open bar. Oh yeah, wine rum and beer all went into me and I had seconds on all. Had a lovely night with my friends. My closest friends are two Germans, two Finnish guys, one Slovenian, and one Canadian. A motley crew, but we enjoy each other immensely. Friday morning I forgot to set my alarm and everyone was giving me a hard time for showing up 45 minutes late. Friday night I woke up everyone hour to make sure I didn’t miss my bus which was leaving at 7 am. Didn’t get much sleep on the bus or on the flight from Zurich to Gatwick. The flight attendant was the most polite inconvenient person I ever had to deal with. I didn’t like any of his requests, but with a British accent you really want to oblige. Sir please don’t slouch, put your feet down, buckle your seat belt, bring your seat upright, store your tray table, put your bags back up into overhead compartment. Jeez, it didn’t bother me at all. Gatwick was pretty busy, but we had access to the British Airways lounge, which in Europe means all the alcohol I can digest and food. Two beers, two bags of chips and 8 quarter sandwiches I got on my flight to America. I had an entire row to myself, but just couldn’t sleep. Of course the people sitting at the windows were sleeping with the shades open. Luckily I had my trusty sleep mask. American just recently unveiled their new 777 entertainment system. All movies are on demand. So I got to see Rush Hour 3, no need for that movie to exist, Transformers, awesome, and documentary on the Apollo missions. I fell asleep during, does anyone know the outcome? 6 hours into the flight I was getting a little stir crazy, usually the 10 hour flight doesn’t bother me, but it was taking forever. When we finally landed in DFW I got stuck in the longest line for customs and immigration. During luggage declaration I was a tad bit nervous about the dogs sniffing luggage because I brought back a big stinking stinking wedge of cheese. It was vacuumed sealed but dogs are super strong like that. I guess this was just a drug dog because he didn’t bother me. On the way home to Tucson I was upgraded to first. Nothing like warm salted nuts in my mouth. It’s an appetizer, and then they gave me bbq brisket for my entrée. How did they know that was my favorite dish? Then warm chocolate chip cookies for dessert. And the BBW next woman didn’t want to eat hers, probably because she saw my two pack and felt inferior. So I ended up getting seconds. Hoo wahh‼ Arrived in Tucson 25 hours later after I first got up, showered and went to bed. And that was my trip; it was really enjoyable, I’m leaving small stuff out like always but if you have any questions, feel free. Hash already berated me for not laying down with a 6’ blonde and eating chocolates afterwards, sorry I’m a letdown.

Cheers,

Jacob