texas time

The stars at night, are big and bright, clap clap clap, when Jacobs home in Texas. So back to Texas post all of my world traveling. 45 days of straight work means Jacob puts up the middle fingers and takes a week off from work. Ian and I were trying to plan something overseas. My parents offered to pay for a one week stay anywhere in the world. But it’s via a hotel condo time share. So since we were only trying to book this a month in advance, shit fell through with timing and availability. Plus, Ian wanted to do Oktoberfest, I didn’t. Plus plus, I needed to attend the wedding of the century. That is the Brown Blank Nuptial-Fest 2K10!! So I thought, I’m never home much anymore, and who doesn’t like making their mamma happy, I will never use that word to reference my mother again, so I thought ehh Ill just go home for week and see everyone that I can.

Friday

Booted up at work can only mean one thing. Someone’s headed to Texas. So made the drive out to Texas, I got in kind of early too, I was hoping to attend a Hanks game, it was homecoming, but NOOOOOooooooo no one would go with me. So I just met my parents at dinner. It was nice to see everyone and get some food. That night we headed out to the garage and to Hope and Anchor. We saw some really good local band at the garage, everything was good except for the lead singer he can go straight to heck in a hand basket. He wore mismatching shoes and he gyrated like he was having a seizure, he should be kicked straight in the chest for trying to emulate other crappy emo kids. Be yourself and you’ll go far. I met my underage cousin at Hope and Anchor; she’s quickly becoming my favorite cousin. Cuz she rocks. After that just headed home.

Saturday

Headed out to the YMCA for some racquetball, I enjoy playing Mexicans; it makes me stronger because they play so much faster than the people I normally play with. Plus the Y has concrete walls so it makes things much faster. I did okay. Got some Whataburger for lunch and went home to watch football. Then, just like I knew would happen, someone called to invite me to the UTEP game. My uncle has season tickets and my aunt didn’t want to go so I was hooked up. I went over to his house and my cousin and I watched UT lose to UCLA. Double awesome. Then we hit up another uncles tailgate, got some food and some beer. Then we watched the miners barely beat Memphis with a late field goal. Some dude who looks like a girl and has a girl’s first name has the leg of Mountain Men. Fool kicked field goals from 50 yards plus. What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man. After that I just went home.

Sunday

Went to church with mom because I’m such the angelic son. Then headed to Hash’s to watch RZC. It’s the Red Zone Channel. It’s totally the only way to watch football. You all know that NFL sucks and that only losers play fantasy football. Well this is the channel that fixes everything. The fantasiers can track all their stats and people with ADHD get to watch all the games mixed together during their red zone campaigns only. Now you don’t have to watch some crappy running back make 3 yards and then the team can’t convert and they punt it away and then the quarterback on the other team misses a throw and YAWN YAWN YAWN. So we did that for about three hours and then headed back to my house for dinner. Had dinner and then just chilled at home, watched a movie I think.

Monday

Had lunch with the bridegroom. He got in town the night before. We went and got some Chico’s. They raised their prices due to increases in traffic after someone declared them as “The Best Thing I ever Ate” on the Food Network. I think they are using better cheese now and they got rid of the waxy cups. I kind of like the cheap ghetto government cheese and the waxy cups. Now they have clear lids that identify what you are drinking, it was better when they used to etch a DP or DC with their thumb on your drink so you would know which one is Dr Pepper and which one is Diet Coke. I suppose I am happy for their success. Then we went on a massive liquor run. I told him about Cow Town liquors, to which he said, the boot place? Yes the same, only in Texas can you get a fresh pair of ropers and pick up a case of hooch. One stop shopping at its finest. We picked up a case of tequila and some mixers. We were a little hesitant, because the bride-to-be gave us strict orders not to spend over X amount of money. Well telling me and the bridegroom not to spend x amount of money in a liquor store is like telling…..(please insert your own dirty simile right here, thanks). We obliged. The mixers proved much tougher than we thought, because everything comes pre made or has way too much sugar. We prefer to make our own so they are stronger and we prefer less sugar so there are fewer hangovers. Well we bought the tequila and a few mixers and went on searching for more mixers. Headed over to Western Beverages and made the proprietors mad with our questions. Actually, I did all the questioning and we were asked to leave. Yes were looking for mixes, non pre made, with not so much sugar. Also can you help us to the conversions between metric and US? “Well this is what we have, we also have a bucket. No fuck the bucket, it has 52 grams of sugar per serving, we are not serving that to our guests. “Well some people like it”, well not these some people okay. Then we got on about how many bottles of tequila per bottle of mix. “Ohh about 1 to 1.5 ounces per glass and a bottle has 22 glasses and a mixer has like 20 glasses so maybe ½ a bottle per mixer” Bridegroom, check out this motherfucker 1.5 ounces of tequila per margarita, ay yay try 3 puto. We are Miners!!! So we took up all their time and didn’t make any purchases. Sorry, we have class and taste buds and paychecks.

After that we went back home. I headed out to the outlet malls and did some shopping. I hadn’t bought anything in a long time so I thought, ehh, we’ll see. Well I ended up buying a wallet and like 9 shirts. They were all super duper on sale. ½ off, take an additional 20% off, its Monday buy 3 get 10% more off. Love me some Van Huesen. Went back home had some dinner. Then went out with this chick. Oh yeah. Not really though. She’s from my fraternity and she’s the coolest so we just went to dinner and got some drinks. Yes I ate dinner twice. Yes I still managed not to gain any weight.

Tuesday

Went to Super Duper Discount Day Spa where every Tuesday is 30% off their ridiculously low prices to begin with. Had some big woman come out, who I will affectionately refer to as Rosalba or Concepciona. Those are big woman names. As far as masseuses go I like them hot or not attractive. If she’s hot, well then a hot chick is about to rub me down with oils. If she’s not, then you know she knows how to do her job and its going to be a good massage. The girls in the middle need to get out of the business. I’m just saying. So it was a rocking massage. Then my brother and I took our grandma out for lunch. We went to Gils, man alive I love their brisket tacos. We talked for the most part. Then we took her home. I accidentally let slip that some cousins were in town who aren’t normally. They didn’t call her, I tried to change the conversation quickly, but she wouldn’t let it happen. She was super sad. Yikes, sorry guys. Tuesday night I just chilled around the house cuz we were getting up early.

Wednesday

Grab a shotgun and your boots were going out to the ranch! Woke up at oh dark thirty. Seriously it was like 5 fucking ay em. I mean come on, seriously. Well we had a 6 hour drive but I don’t care I slept in the back the whole way. We got about 1 hour from the ranch and our step dad said we needed boots. My brother and I said nah were good. Horseshit you’re getting new boots, okay. So we walk into this store and some big old bubba comes to help us. Andrew and I are so city it’s ridiculous. I take off my shoes and my stepdad says what the hell is this shit. I was rocking a pair of yellow puma socks. Puma socks are the shit, sorry, they just are. Bubba looks at me like I’m light in the loafers. I am but, whatevs. My brother on the other hand, while stout, is still out of place. Bubba asks him what can I do for you and he’s like, Idunno, I guess I need boots too, well what do you want Idunno, whatever. So needless to say, we did not make the stepdad proud. But I’m sure he still likes us. We got out to the ranch and messed around with the cattle. These things are massive. Just a little bit shorter than I am, but they all way a good 700 pounds more than I do. Deathly afraid of humans too. Tried to pet them, tried to ride them, they weren’t for that is all I could say. Next it was time to shoot some guns. We had to get bird hunting licenses. Mine was super expensive and only good for 5 days because I’m no longer a legal Texan. Such a sad state to be in. My brother got a license for the entire year. What gives? There were no birds to be seen. They had all flown away due to a lot of rain. So we just shot up cacti and trees. I prefer that anyway, I don’t have a need or want to kill anything. Then we went and fed the catfish. They eat crap mostly, but we threw in a couple loaves of bread. After that we went back into the house and had tuna fish sandwiches, some how my mothers just taste way better than mine. Since we are out in the middle of nowhere we get all of three channels. So we watched some crappy western film. Western films are my list favorite genre. Id much rather watch well I don’t know, I guess even a crappy sci fi would be better. The best would have been some rom com, love me some rom com. Alright, now I’m just blabbering.

Thursday

Wake up and we are going to work some cattle. Cows need shots and need to be castrated. Yes, you did read that word right. Seriously, how are we going to do that? Word going to put this medical rubber band around their nuts, tighten to cut off the blood supply and then they are just going to fall off. Oh man, poor little guys. Is their a more humane alternative….that IS the more humane alternative. What the other way. You hold them down. I cut open their sack and rip them out. Oh my God, that’s awful, they don’t feel it. Yeah right, as thick and strong as these animals are Im sure they would know if you are causing their balls pain. Rubber bands it is. So we try and try but since none of us know what were doing the boys live to see another day. We did some more shooting, but this time we did some trap shooting. Turns out Im a natural. All those years of Duck Hunt, Time Crisis, House of the Dead, Police Trainer and any other old school arcade with a hand gun paid off. I was blowing up clay pigeons left and right. My brother not so much, to which of course I let him know. After a lot of winning we went back into the house, got showered and went out to eat. We went to this steakhouse in Abilene. It was rocking, had a real good time. Stopped off and got some blizzards for dessert. Texas rules so much. That night I was closing the gate to the house and looked up to see more stars than I have ever seen in my life. I have been to Mauna Kea and Mauna Loa in Hawaii, but where I was there was too much light pollution. I have never in my life seen the Milky Way in all its glory. It was amazing to see that many stars and galaxies, absolutely breathtaking.

Friday

Got up and had some breakfast and started shooting rifles like it was going out of business. Old school bolt action rifles, automatic rifles, it was pretty amazing. And pretty damn loud. After that we cleaned up, jacked with the cows a little more and took off. My stepdad was not too happy about it, “Jake has to get back for a social engagement, la dee da” That wasn’t the case at all, I had nothing to do on Friday its just I really couldn’t be late to the wedding on Saturday. I didn’t want to roll into town and change and then drive out to west side and be rushed. So we got back that night and had some Shan Dong. You must pronounce Shan Dong in the most derogatory Chinese accent you have because the more offensive the more fun it is. The family that slurs together stays together. That night we went out to sped bar. That’s actually Special Edition. Evidently its been there for years and used to be a country western bar. I know because my mom said she used to go there. Ugh! Well every body was there. It was totally better than a Christmas or Thanksgiving reunion because a lot of times people mix and match when they come home for holidays, but everyone came in town for the wedding. It was karaoke night and everyone sung, EVERYONE. It was fantastic, I think I was the worst because I sang off key, off pitch, flat, and sharp all at the same time. I sung These Eyes by The Guess Who. It was a la Superbad, but not as awesome. But the crowd loved it and all of my friends sang along. So it was touching. Took off and went back home. It was a night to remember, because who knows when all of us will ever be together like that again. Maybe at the next guys wedding but you never know.

Saturday

Saturday can only mean one thing….racquetball!!! OMG, I mean someone got married that day, but can you believe its already racquetball time. I played so well, really a confidence booster against the Mexicans. So, got some lunch and then just chilled for a few hours until it was time to go. Got ready, picked up my friends date and headed out to the Grace Gardens. It was an outdoor reception and you couldn’t have asked for a nicer day, weather wise and temperature wise. The grass was super green, the chairs were super white, the carpet was super red, and flowers were super lush. Just an overall perfect day, I must say. We were hanging out in the reception area until ushers started ushering us in. We got seated outdoors and here came the groomsmen, it was neat that they didn’t just walk in. They escorted all the bridesmaids. There were like 7 pairs too! I thought there was a rule you had three each, but I guess its your wedding you can do whatever you want. So here comes bride, all dressed in white. Quite lovely. The ceremony went off without a hitch. Lots of tears from people. If you will allow me to change subjects real quick and get sentimental. (Thank you, it is my blog and Ill due as I please) As they were saying their vows, I looked up and I saw two birds in flight together. And I thought, well if that isn’t an omen for their relationship I just don’t know what. I really look forward to partying at your silver and golden anniversaries. Alright changing subjects backed to normal. As they walked out we released butterflies, since the bride loves butterflies. The ushers told us about this before hand and had handed us all one box each. I could feel the thing moving around inside, I thought there were like a few small ones inside. When it came time to release, this thing sprung open like fucking mothra. I mean, you could hear and feel the wind this thing pushed when it flapped its wings near you. Talk about goliath! As everyone was walking out we all saw a missing usher. This dude went to the wrong place and then got stuck in traffic. As we are all near and dear friends, we proceeded to bust his balls all…night…long. We even made him go on a beer run for us. What…a….puto! We entered the reception in single file line which lasted a really long time. There was a seating chart and I was seated at the losers table, aka the single bachelors table. We called ourselves the studs who can out drink you table. It was more fitting then our Love is endearing table name or Love is everlasting or Love said no to our invite and we were forced to RSVP and not check the +1 column. Insert giant frown emoticon. It didn’t really matter as the party picked up we all ended up roaming around and talking in groups anyway. I think my favorite thing about the reception was that the wedding party was introduced to the Chicago Bulls theme. That song from Alan Parsons Project. How clutch is that, I mean Im totally going to steal it for my own, but these guys were the originators. Bravo. BRAVO! They called for dinner by table names, since we were in the way way back we were fed pretty quickly. The spread was pretty awesome. Salad, mashed potatoes, green beans, beef AND chicken. Did you see what I just did there, beef and FUCKING chicken. There were no OR’s at this party. It was like the TI song You can have whatever you like. I did! Thank you so much bride and groom. They also had two kegs and margarita machine. Now that’s a party. So sissy wine fountain, no cash bar, just the basics. Drinks to keep the guys happy and drinks to keep the girls inebriated! As the party went on their were different toasts, the brides family did a dance routine, there were games including the bride and groom trying to decipher if a body party belonged to them or not. I think the best part was when the bride sang a love song to her husband. I almost cried it was so touching, the groom had enough tears for everyone though. The tossing of the garter and the bouquet were pretty fun. The girls were lame dancing to All the Single Ladies, the guys though, well it was like 35 guys up there. We danced to the Will and Carlton from Fresh Prince Tanto song. No rehearsal, no warning, if you have a guy card you know this dance. So we all just fell in unison and stomped the yard. We had a delicious cake and coffee dessert. Dancing and picture taking were great. As things wound down we eventually moved the party to Camino Real hotel lobby. I was done for the evening, but not everyone though, there was an after party after the after party. So I said all my goodbyes, lots of hugs and kisses and I love yous. Yes we are a passionate bunch.

Sunday

Woke up and skipped church, yikes yo soy super heathen. I paid for it in mosquito bites though. My parents don’t get bit and so they leave the doors open. Well Im sweet as molasses and those little fuckers ate me up. Im not joking like 13 bites in 13 minutes. I went outside and Offed myself. Hung around the house, packed, and just chilled until lunch. Aunt and uncle came over and so did my grandma, who was still upset about particular cousins not saying hello. As I was getting ready to the leave my best friend and his family rolled past. He had shown up unexpectedly due to his grandma passing. So we stopped and chatted for awhile. Made fun of his little brother, I don’t care if his grandma just passed. Dumb shit coming out of your mouth equals us making fun of you. Drove back to lovely AZ and that was it for my mighty mighty TX adventure.

Congratulations love birds,

See you soon,

jacob