My first trip to the Dark Continent was about two years in the making. I had declined a trip to Kenya in December 07 due to a skiing conflict. I have been receiving shots since last October in order to be safe to go to Africa whenever they would call me. That trip was set for July 09, but because president Oingo Boingo died in June, the trip was postponed until this October. We now join our regularly scheduled program in progress where our protagonist en route to sub-Sahara Africa.
Friday
Only a 4 day turn around between Bosnia and Africa. Just enough time to jack up my circadian rhythm. The time at work was spent not reading email because as the sign on the door greeted me the first day back. “We experienced a catastrophic email failure over the weekend” I laughed out loud. So, that week I mostly visited with friends. Did my expense report and surfed the internet. You all know that I lived a spoiled and charmed existence. Either Im flying business class over the ocean or we are overnighting in some swanky airport hotel. Well not this time. My ticket was not upgradeable and we were doing a direct shot to Africa. Tuscon Dallas Frankfurt Accra Libreville. Schiesse!!!! That is a murderous flight schedule. Two to Dallas, ten to Frankfurt, 6 to Accra, and 2 to Libreville; all times in hours. Movies sucked on all flights. Mostly because Ive traveled so much in the last few months that Ive seen everything the airlines are offering at the moment. I normally relish traveling even more for the fact that Ill be able to see movies I haven’t seen. (I don’t get out much.) But since Ive had 6 transoceanic flights in the last 8 weeks, Ive seen every movie airline there is….thrice!!!
So the name of the game is TIA. This Is Africa. In a lot of respects, the things you get accustomed to in North America, Europe, Asia can be thrown out the window because TIA. They do things differently, they do things their way, and they do things for no apparent reason. Ive found myself often times wondering in bewilderment, What, Come que, You cannot be serious, Seriously?, No way, Ay aye, and the like. What do you mean I cant do that, What do you mean we cant do that, What do you mean that is not going to happen. IM AN AMERICAN!!!
Libreville is on the list for top ten most expensive cities in the world. Who would have thunk it, but TIA. Hong Kong, London, Paris, Tokyo, New York, Libreville. We got 150 in per diem per day. A personal pizza and beer would run about 26. A personal pizza and a coke would run about 28. A personal pizza and a coke light would run about 30. Sucks….TIA!! Wherever you go in the world beer is always cheaper than water or coke, except for US and A, but it just seemed to be ridiculous. Even in Zurich and now sitting in Tokyo writing this letter, I just felt like I was getting the shaft for no reason in Gabon. Ahh well, that’s life, that’s what per diem is for, TIA.
So let me get off this tangent and get to the dirty minute details that Luis loves so much.
Saturday
Arrived in Gabon murderously tired. Jacob was going to have a choke a bitch and/or stab a monkey. But TIA, someone was waiting for us when we landed and walked us through immigration and customs. Holla holla holla. The Gabonese and white tourist were not happy with us, hey TIA applies to everyone; sometimes you get the better treatment. We then left the airport through a back entrance and hopped in a military escort with the full armed guard treatment. Holla holla holla. I had been up for the better part of 35 hours now and was on my 18th wind. I was not really sleepy, so I thought a pizza and beer would be mighty tasty right now. I had a Hawaiian pizza and a Regab. That was the local Gabon beer. It was facking declicious. It cost 2000 CIFA which was about 4 bucks, but it was 650 ml, so not a bad deal. My 26 dollar bill came and I though schiesse, this is going to be an expensive two weeks. My room was very 70s chique, which for TIA may have been very modern. No never mind, I don’t like that sentence it was just very very orange and orangey. The a/c worked and I slept like a champ until my alarm went off.
Sunday
Woke up for breakfast and it was not a very good breakfast buffet, very much like Euro breakfast but colder. I don’t know what everyones hesitation to hot breakfast is, but you should bring that shit back, ya hear. Cold bacon, cold ham, cold cheese, cold bread, cold crepes. Seriously, cold crepes, who wants a cold crepe, jeez TIA. That morning we went out to the military camp where we would be working for the next two weeks. It was pretty run down. They had open effluent trenches, didn’t smell bad, but you definitely knew what was oozing through those causeways. The buildings I were in were newly renovated for the exercise and we had a/c, so it was all good. We went on mosquito patrol, as we would do every morning, we would kill about 5-7 per day in our room. Don’t want to catch our death you know!! Sunday was only a short day for us, so I hung out a lot in my room that day. Nothing but French television. Now for my second rant. You all know I am truly a spoiled pobresito sp?, in Europe everything is in the native tongue of the country and English. Menus, hotels, tv, whatever. There is no problem getting by in Europe. If all else fails, put some money in your hand, smile, point to what you want, and hope not to get ripped the funk off. Well, in my first visit to a francophone country I was not a happy camper. I have no qualms with the French or Gabonese, but the French language sounds so whiny, whah whah whah, Im a baby, look at me whining. Even the flight attendants voice on Lufthanasa made me want to rip out my ear drums. Probably a lot of things make me want to rip out my ear drums after 35 hours of travel, but especially whiny Frenchy. I had such a hard time conveying things that I wanted. I know all the pleasantries of polite conversation in French, but after that, Im worthless, that is the point in the conversation that I need you to understand my English. These are both romantic languages, so even when I butcher a word, I know it sounds pretty close to the correct pronunciation. Getting things from the hotel staff, the taximeter cabriolet driver, restaurateurs was just awful. At least here in Japan, there is a picture of everything, I just point and smile. Yay Asia. Had some more pizza and beer and called it a night.
Monday
Was another half ¾ day at work. For the first time I was going to do something other than System Administration. I was to be in charge of all LAN/WAN testing for the event. I knew it was going to be okay, but your first time for everything is always a little nerve racking because you aren’t exactly sure what you should be doing. We had 15 nations of Africa participating. They were all very cool. Like a lot of the Asian nations, the countries in Africa are behind in technology. They are on their way and they are fast tracking it but for the most part some of the tips and tricks that I know were still pretty novel and cool to them. Oh Mister Jacob mister Jacob mister Jacob they would shout to me. And of course I had a huge shit eating grin on my face the entire exercise. There were a few individuals who had some advanced training and were running circles around me. They really helped out their fellow man, they also spoke French so that helped immensely as well. Monday was also the first time we met our driver Joe. We had our own driver because we had to be at work before everyone else and we needed to stay late sometimes as well. He was a member of the Gendamarie, which is the national police of Gabon. He was a total badass too. He was driving in and out of traffic like a F1 driver. He was leaning on the horn and shouting out the window. That first day we were all awe struck and a little white knuckled. We were running stop lights and stop signs. Driving on the wrong side of the road. And on this first day, Joe had no shoes on. He was sleeping in the van at night. Yes, thoughts and images of Chris Farley did pop to mind. Truly gangster. My co workers are all about eating pizza overseas. It usually tastes different so it has some culinary uniqueness to it, I oblige. But they eat it everyday in Africa because 400 degrees Fahrenheit kills everything and so you wont get sick. Well I suppose that theory holds true and I realize TIA, but that gets old fast. Plus, you can get sick anywhere, so whats the worst that can happen. I guess death, but for the most part if you get anything itll only be 24 hours of crap (heyo!). Monday night I had a chicken and mustard dish with French fries and coke.
Tuesday
That morning I woke up with a massive case of mud butt. Damn you TIA. Ive had diarrhea before, but this was something totally different. It was like going number 1 out of my anus. I realize that this is beyond graphic, but as I write it, its also a little funny too; don’t you think? So I had about three episodes of this shit (heyo!) and it cleared up. It cleared up on its own, holla holla holla to my digestive system. Imodium, we don’t need no stinking Imodium. Strangely enough I ate this chicken dish at the hotel, which was cleared by US personnel to be healthy for everyone; whoopsie daisy. Tuesday was our last day of setup before the first test day. So not much else happened. I cant remember if I told you about ‘Ring of Fire’. It is played incessantly, much to the chagrin of some, but mostly to the delight of many. Well after three continental endeavors, the staff was getting tired of it. So, of course, I continued playing it. I would then take requests for other songs. The rise and fall of DJ Huevomajor was upon us. I have about 10000 songs on my computer, so if you can think of anything, ANYTHING, there is a pretty good chance Ill have it. There songs requested and played that I had no idea were even on my laptop. Kudos to me then. That night I was still tired of pizza and did not want to have hotel food for fear of das mud butt. I did a fair amount of recon for restaurants that were safe. I knew my team would be hard to convince, so I had to find out who had been, what they ate, how the cost was, and if there were any adverse affects. Everyone was saying we needed to go to this Lebanese restaurant called Le Mir. It was facking tasty. It was Middle Eastern food. Rotisserie chicken, falafel, chwarma sp?, hummus, and other dishes. All very very tasty. All very very priced right. And all very very safe to my stomach.
Wednesday
I was really sleeping like a champ. My body really does not care for GMT -7; GMT +1 +2 or +9 which Im at right now, is where it’s at. I was often sleeping through my alarm or hitting snooze several times. Normally, I wake up way before my alarm and twiddle my thumbs. With all this extra sleeping there was really no time for going down to breakfast, plus breakfast sucked. Good thing I had packed a number of oatmeal packets with me. I used my neighbors hot water heater and ate breakfast in my room while watching MTV Frenchy French. I really enjoy overseas music channels. For one, they actually play music. No rah-tarded shows. And two, they play poppy rappy stuff that I would never hear, but is very appetizing to my cochlears. The only problem was that some of the frenchy french songs were annoying, as was stated in the above paragraphs, frenchy french on a whole hurts ones stirrup, anvil, and hammer. Wednesday was the first day of testing, but not for me. All of the nations were still getting their routers, switches, and computers up and running. Setting up routing tables and access control lists and configuring IPs is all still very new to them, so where as NATO and US and Japan could do that shit licketly split, Africans take a little longer. So it was basically another free day for me and my test team. Just kick it in the a/c.
Thursday
Another day of kicking it and chilling like Bob Villa. We managed to do three tests that afternoon, just to say we did something that day. That night was another night pizza, just so I could have a stable stomach and what not, but this time we went to another place. It was in the parking lot of the restaurant. It was way better and a little bit cheaper.
Friday
This was the first day of testing for me. It took awhile for me to get the hang of things. Managing tests, test teams, and my LAN/WAN chairs. It took about a day to get into a rhythm , but I was a champ. We left work early that day because we had the cultural dinner that night. No one told us there was going to be a cultural dinner so I did not come prepared; these are usually semi-formal affairs. Whats a girl to do? Get a traditional African outfit…..? Check!!! The Gabonese support staff set up a tailor for anyone who wanted an outfit. It was mostly….well in fact, it was all Americans who were getting these outifits. It was pretty awesome, choosing fabrics and designs. And it only cost 12000 CIFA, that’s circa 40 bucks. So, I was pretty shy about walking out in these clothes. I really like them and they are comfortable. But I didn’t know if someone would find it offensive, sine Im not an African. Someone people smiled, some people pointed, some people snickered, some people laughed. Once I got down to the lobby and everyone else was wearing the traditional outifits, I felt better. It still look me a little bit of time to put the hat on, but once I did, all was well. A lot of the Africans gave me thumbs up, said I looked good. So I guess ‘When in Rome’ does work. The evening was a lot of fun. We had an open bar. I was a little apprehensive about the food, because even though it was in a chaffing dish, it had been there awhile and I wasn’t sure given the hotel giving me said mud butt, but I ate away. Very tasty food. We had traditional dancers which were very good. They were playing drums and gyrating and what not. At one point, the lead dancer, who appeared to be under a trance, grabbed a guy from the audience and proceeded to dry hump the hell out of him. Then some Americans, quite willingly joined in and proceeded to dry hump the hell out of each other. Very comical….very amusing. Next up were some local boys from down the street who popped it, locked it, shook it, broke it, and twerked it. They were pretty amazing, Ive seen better…but not much. We walked around and took pictures with everyone. Went down to the ocean and checked things out. Very cool. We got back on the bus, circa 11 and went home. Our driver, Joe, was a little inebriated, but like always, a world class driver and he got us home safe and sound.
Saturday
We got to the van and Joe was still sleeping. We woke him up I think. He drove us to the site half and sleep and barefoot. What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man. Saturday was just another day of testing. I think I had some pizza that day.
Sunday
This was our first day off. We had a full day of sightseeing planned. We got into the van with Joe. I was very happy about this because busses have no leg room and they are generally pretty hot. We had all the windows down and of course had our ak-47 escort. We left the city and headed out to the country. Within about 30 minutes we were in the country side and I had never seen poverty like this. Libreville is one of the most expensive cities on Earth, but outside of the city the rest of the country is very poor. This was the first time I really saw shanty towns. Lots of sheet metal homes, lots of wooden homes. Dirt floors, outdoor plumbing, and one water pump for the entire village. Obviously, I have nothing to complain about. When we would stop for bathroom breaks the entire endeavor would just walk about 5 feet into the jungle and take a whiz. Take a whiz on people’s property, well that’s what we did. We were out in the middle of nowhere going to Dr. Albert Schweitzer hospital. He was a swiss guy who went down there for missionary work. When he saw the poorness of the area and the lack of medical care and facilities he decided to go get his medical degree and come back. He set up a hospital free of charge to the people of Gabon. This was in the early 20th century and this hospital had the technology of the early 19th century. He was able to save many lives and bring hope and prosperity to many of the indigenous people. He ended up getting a Nobel peace prize for his work. He put the one million dollar prize towards a leper colony. Pretty admirable stuff he did. Later we stopped somewhere in the mountains and had some lunch. I ate some questionable meat and you will see whats happens on Monday. Later we went to the equator. It was a lot of fun. I did a neat little north south dance jig thing. We saw some native dancers at the equator, very cool. It was getting to be about dusk and we just went home. We were supposed to go on a boat ride too, but just ran out of time. Some of the people were complaining that we were driving too fast so it took almost twice as long to get home. I was pretty tired and bummed at this point. I wasn’t able to sleep, because I just couldn’t get comfortable. When we started to get back to civilization the streets were really crowded. Someone cut off our driver. Joe was immediately pissed off. Pulled the parking break, got out car, walked over to other van, opened the door, and proceeded to read this guy the riot act. Thankfully he had put his gun in the glove compartment. I thought he was going to beat this guys ass. All of the onlookers were worried too, because apart from the presidential guard, no one outranks the gendarmerie. The guy in the other van was desperately trying to get out of the van so as not to get hit or hurt. Luckily it was just a tongue lashing. That was probably the highlight of the entire trip. Got back to the hotel, took a shower, and crashed.
Monday Tuesday Wednesday
A raging case of mud butt. Oh why oh why did I eat that mystery meat. Oh why oh why did I just write that and tell all of you again. Cuz its gross and funny. Plus I lived and I didn’t get dysentery so ….rock and roll. The next three days was just more testing. Not much really happened in the evenings. So Im just going to combine the days. I was able to convince my co-workers to try another restaurant. This time it was Italian. It was very tasty and no one got sick. I had a very tasty grapefruit soda. We went back to the Lebanese place also. Had some more awesomeness.
Thursday
This was the last day of work. We had the formal outbriefing. It was super long because every speech was given in English and in French. They had lots of formal coming to attention, parade rest, the band played and marched around. They had the fancier band this time. The bass drummer hit that drum like a fracking cannon. It was super loud. I thought he was trying to break the thing. We went home about 4 that day. We had a little reception afterwards and said all of my goodbyes. I made lots of nice friends and everyone wanted my email address, and phone number, and skype name, and blood type. Well not that much. Thursday evening was more pizza. I really didn’t want a relapse of previous lower digestion issues, so I played it straight. Even though I really didn’t want to. I just like disobeying my elders sometimes.
Friday
I went shopping this day for gifts. We went to an artisan market. I bought quite a lot of handmade goods. It was a lot of fun to haggle with the sellers. Everyone was my friend and they loved America and Obama. I was able to get a lot of good deals because Obama and I are so tight. With one vendor I worked him down for about 25 minutes and got lots of junk I didn’t even know I needed. So all and all a pretty good day. We went back to the Italian place and had some more awesome food. The Italian restaurant is around the fish market, so the place stinks to high heaven, but indoors its alright and there was air condition. Friday afternoon I just hung out in my hotel room, watched movies and tv, and worked on my espanol. Friday evening we went to a different pizza place. For some odd reason they put a raw egg on the pizza before they cooked it. I did not care for that at all. It just gave it a very full topped crust and it was very a la French toast. I was very confident in my iron digestion system right before the long flight. But part of me couldn’t help but think about my coworkers and their constant nay saying about getting diseased in Africa.
Saturday
Woke and felt pretty good. Im not sure if I talked about skipping morning breakfast and just eating oatmeal in my room. Well you can get tired of just about anything. So Friday and Saturday morning I went down to the restaurant in the hotel and had breakfast it was pretty bad. Not much of choice or selection. Saturday day I think I just packed and hung around the hotel. At one point I got coffee with a few of my coworkers. We sat outside on the patio. It was very pleasant. Right on the equator you always have nice weather, cool breeze; a little humid, but nothing terrible. Around 5 pm I attempted to check out. They say you should always take cash to Africa because of the rampant credit card fraud. Well my coworkers had already been to Gabon once this year and they said they used their credit cards. So I decided I would use my credit card. Well it was a big no go. They only take Visa at the hotel. My credit card and my debit card were both Mastercards. So, Im a little worried right about now. My hotel bill is circa 2000 US. I certainly don’t have that on me. I also cannot take that much out of an ATM in one day. I go through my stuff and find an old valid Visa. I haven’t used this thing in years. So I run up stairs to check my available credit and it can cover this amount. It took about 10 minutes because Im on wireless in Africa, which might as well be 33K dialup speed. I go back down and give him my valid visa. He pulls out one of those big old school metal carbon copy swipers. Check-chick. So I went back up to call visa and tell them Im in Africa and to not void the charge; its valid and Im here. This took forever, because of all the delay with VoIP over the 33k wireless connection. So we finally left about 6pm. And of course who was there to take us. Our main man Joe. He even saluted our colonel before he left. We had an escort through baggage. Which was nice because they have some weird rules about not checking in before the flight until a certain time. The line for that was about 50 people so we got lucky. Then we were escorted through customs and immigration. Security was a breeze too. They even let me take my water through and no country lets you do that anymore. We left Gabon about 9pm and had to make a stop in Ghana. I watched a couple of videos, it was about 1.5 hour flight. I was in a very very tiny coach seat. I have no clout on Lufthansa. My seat mate fell asleep right away, I hated him for that. The flight was beyond packed and luckily for some reason I passed out. I didn’t fall asleep, I passed out. I woke up covered in drool with a huge crick in my neck. So I wiped myself off and watched a video.
Sunday
We landed in Frankfurt and got a really thorough check from the military police. They probably didn’t care for just anyone coming into the EU from Africa. I got an easy wave through when I showed him my US passport. We had about three hours, so we went to the lounge and I attempted to rest, but couldn’t fall asleep. The class of ticket they got for us was not upgradeable, so I was in coach for that flight as well. This was my 6th transoceanic flight in about 2 months and Ive seen every single flipping movie AA has to offer. Im so so tired of Transformers 2. I ordered the Kosher meal and it was decent. We landed in Dallas and got through all of that sha banga bang pretty easily. I was slightly nervous because coming home on Sundays to Tucson had been pretty bad my last two times. Broken planes, delays, no attendants, no pilots, whatever. We got off the ground without a hitch and landed in Tucson.
So successfully went to Africa. Had a real good time. I totally think it was a great experience going to Africa. I get to check the continent off my to do list. I may go back in 2010, we’ll see. But its more than a lot of people will ever get. Im not in a huge hurry to get back there, but it was fun. Id recommend going there to everyone. Keep in mind that Northern Africa doesn’t count, nor does South Africa. You need to go to Sub-Sahara to get the full experience.
Bonjure and bone swa,
Messier Yahcoob
No comments:
Post a Comment