So I’m sitting here in Serbia minding my own business when I wake up way before my alarm thanks to jet lag. I guess I could get started on the Japan blog before I forget everything. Especially since so many things happened because this was vacation and not just for work. I was able to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and thus there will be lots of mindless tidbits, facts, and details that Luis Ramirez loves so much.
It was kind of a tough decision to go to Japan. Normally after a trip I take a 4-5 day weekend to relax and recover. I usually go visit one of you, but this time Paul Paul said we should go visit Adam. We had a heck of time deciding on when and how to get there. Paul Paul really wanted to do two countries; either Japan and China or Honk Kong and China. The cheapest flights for him were some sort of China Japan concoction and the cheapest flights for me were a Hong Kong/Japan combination.
We naturally decided to go to England and France instead. Adam through a fit, he called out our manliness and sexuality. Said we would be cut off if we didn’t make the logical choice of staying with him. Free room and tour guide.
I decided right there and then that I was going to Japan. Currently, I’m very much a whore to AA. So I knew I was going to use miles to go out there. I have 400,000 miles after all. So I called AA bought a one way ticket going out and used miles for a first class ticket coming home. The ticket I purchased going out was in a ticket class for a free upgrade. So I flew over in business. Awesome….and that is where our journey begins.
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End prologue.
Thursday
The flights to Japan leave pretty early in the morning. So early that I couldn’t leave Tucson and catch the flight to Japan on the same day. So I hitched a ride to Dallas the night before. It was quite an ordeal getting picked up by Comfort Inn. Took almost an hour even though they live about 5 minutes away. At this point in the year Arizona is on PST. So it took 4 hours to get to Dallas. I didn’t get to my hotel until almost 10 pm even though I left at 4. The comfort in is very nice. I highly recommend it to anyway. Big bed, free breakfast, and free Internet. (They don’t have free Internet here in Serbia even though my hotel room is 270 Euros a night…..bull and shit.) I was hoping to grab some food within walking distance of the hotel. I was elated to see the true golden arches or amber triangle that is WHATABURGER. Oh man how I love that place. It might be the greatest fast food hamburger ever. Yum yum yum. This was during the baseball playoffs so it was nice to watch them for a change. I was out of the country for two months so I really had missed a lot of sports. I don’t watch most professional sports until the playoffs, but I didn’t even have that option while TDY. It was a nice change. I was severely tired from Gabon and still a little sick. Adam and Samm called me that night, I was already asleep, but I really needed to talk to them so I answered the phone.
Friday
Got up and had me some kickass continental breakfast. I headed over to DFW early that I normal. Did not want to miss this flight. When I was going through security there were about 20 of the most beautiful girls I have ever laid eyes upon. It was about 8 am. They were dressed like they were going to a club in South Padre or Vegas. Do you know hard it is to fall in love and have your heart broken 20 times in 7 minutes? I’m generally distraught thinking about those feeling right now. Stupid women, how I love thee so! The flight going west over the Pacific is a long one. I don’t know if it’s due to tail head winds or what. I’ve made that journey three times in my life now. This flight was scheduled for 13 hours. Aye Caramba!!! Adam told me to take some sort of sleeping pill, but I’m not a fan of self medication. My body is awesome and put up with just about anything. I hadn’t slept all week and I knew I had to say up all night partying the first night so I reluctantly purchased a Tylenol PM. I watched a few movies, had my bourgy dinner, and took a 4-5 hour nap. Woke up and we still had 3 hours to go. So I watched another movie. The movie selection was crap. I have seen every move that AA has to offer at the moment, so I wasn’t the happiest of campers.
Saturday
I watched our landing into Japan. Narita airport is out in the countryside of Japan. It’s about two hours from where Adam lives. He lives in Yokosuka. He asked me to bring my DoD id so I could get on base to visit him. When I was going through customs I had to tell them where I was staying. I didn’t know so I just said Adam USA Navy. I guess that wasn’t self explanatory enough so the lady asked to see my DOD id. I obliged, thinking maybe she just wanted to see some other form of identification. Well after that I was sent over to another line and pretty much whisked through. I didn’t enter Japan as a tourist; I entered Japan under the Joint Armed Forces Agreement. So I have two really unique passport stamps now. A lot less questioning when you are there as a representative; I wasn’t, but they thought so. I met Adam outside of baggage control and we boarded the free DoD bus home. Free is always good. I slept most of the way home. I asked Adam how is agenda was shaping up for me. He sort of looked at me, smiled and wringed his hands out maniacally. Gulp came over me. I’m taller than all of your, but since I see a lot of you so infrequently I think you sometimes forget how tall I am. This bus wasn’t too big and I was able to rest my elbows on the overhead storage. I hadn’t seen Adam for two years at this point. He said Damn! A lot the next ten days. We walked to the train station to get on the subway to his apartment. Before we did that we stopped at a rice bowl shop. Everyone asked me about sushi while I was there. They do have sushi, but they are more into rice and noodle bowls over there. It was about 5 bucks and you get a pretty good portion of beef and rice. They throw a raw egg on top of it, which is interesting, but the food is so hot that it ends up cooking the egg a little bit. When in Rome. We got back to Adam’s apartment and hung out for awhile. He told me I better go nap since he was going to do bad things to me in Roppongi, mas Gulp came over me. I’m all for drinking to intoxication, but I like it to happen naturally. Ooops, ah well; now I’m drunk. The act of going out and deliberately getting drunk just doesn’t appeal to me. But this just wasn’t my vacation, he was off too and wanted to show me the time of my life. Yes, queue the Dirty Dancing soundtrack.
Late Saturday Early Sunday
Adam woke me up about 9pm and said get ready. So I jumped in the shower, he told me not to dilly dally. He has only partied with cousin Mark. Mark, evidently, takes hours to put his face on, shower, get dressed, pluck his eyebrows, and comb his vagine hair. I was ready in about 10 minutes. While we were getting ready Adam was playing Tiesto. What the heck is a Tiesto I said? He’s a Dutch DJ. He’s pretty good I have to say. He has an interesting remix of the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack. So we are off, but not without first pre partying. Adam grabbed us some Chu Hi’s. It’s this alcoholic juice that is simply magnificent. And it is like 8% alcohol, way better than crappy beer. The train ride to Roppongi is about 1 hour and we had to make quite a few track changes. We get there and Adam warns me about all the Africans who are going to attack me and try to get me to go to their clubs. He said, “They are going to say Tits about 1000 times while we are out and about.” With their accents it sounds like a very bass-y Teehts. “teets, teets, teets my friend, we got lots of girls, good drinks, good music you come, teets, teets, teets, teets!!!” This happens every five feet and they are aggressive. They grab your arms, interrupt your gait, I guess they have to since Roppongi is like 6th street times 11. Lots of bars, clubs, and lounges competing for my dollars. We walked into a bar and they were happy to have Americans come in there. They are blowing whistles and clapping and chanting. (I know Brian hates Tonight’s going to be a good night song, but that was our motto all night) So we had our first of what would be many many vodka tonics. We were bar hopping and talking and having a grand old time. Just then I became extremely hungry. Something Adam would come to vile in me. Again….seriously….you are hungry again…$#@%$....@$$&#^. So, now we were on a quest for food. We came upon a donner kabob station. Ohh many how I love those things. Adam obliged, but didn’t like that I was interrupting his drinking. We left the restaurant. It was somewhere in the neighborhood of 2 or 3 at this time. The massage parlor girls were out in full force at this point. They are just as aggressive as the African TEEHT guys. Ohh you come get massagey, I love you, cheap cheap cheap, you no pay, I just want to be your friend. In my drunken state I could use a friend, but Adam kept my eyes on the prize, mas vodka. We returned to this one particular club where this girl was eye fucking the shit out of Adam. He said he could do her if he wanted. That’s how girls in Japan are, if they want you, they will let you know. He said let’s just look for as much eye contact as possible and I’ll get you laid. Now, I’m not what you would call a handsome man. Either I don’t dress properly, or all my conceitedness is vastly unjustified. Adam was strongly taken a back to this. But in the end I just didn’t get many looks. Maybe I put up a front, I really just wanted to catch up with Adam, and so I didn’t feel too upset about the girls. I talked Adams ear off instead. After a few more drinks I was shouting German obscenities at these bouncers. Mostly just nein. Everything in German sounds like you are a cussing. I don’t know how to say much more than nein. So when the Africans would grab me and offer me TEETS I would just shout nein like the asshole I am. Adam was looking for this one particular bar; it was down an alley and up an elevator. There comes a time in a night of drinking where the drinks go down like water and they taste like water too because you have had so much to drink. That point was now and I was ready to go home. In Japan you either go home at midnight or you stay out all night. The train stops at 12 and don’t start again until 5. Something interesting happens in Roppongi though. Time just flies by. When I’m at home in a bar, the minutes tick away like hours, its barely 11, then 12, then 1, then closing time. I swear I looked down at my watch about 1 and before you know it, it was 530. So we walked back to the train station. Drunk dialed Marky Mark and passed out on the trains. I woke up an hour later with a bright angry Japanese sun in my face. We headed for a convenient store and purchased some rice triangles. Their equivalent of taco cabana I guess. I devoured that along with some orange juice and green tea.
Sunday
I woke up only a few hours later, about 12 or 1. And I only really had a headache. Now that’s something I can work with. I thought after that much alcohol I would be all puky and what not. I didn’t feel well though; lack of sleep, general jet lag, and hung-over. Over the course of the next hour, I drank some water and had the world’s smallest bite to eat. I started getting that stomach feeling that we all know and love so well. I went and sat on the toilet and nothing happened. I thought, okay, I just have an upset stomach. I went back to the couch and watched some Japanese TV. THEN the heavy swallowing began. THE don’t make any sudden movements began. THE aversion to sunlight was kicking in. THE sweat beads were a formin’. I was poised and positioned in the “On your mark, get set ………….and now we wait. The next 600 seconds took forever as they always do, and like a lighting flash you get that one warning, that one stomach pump, that one pre wet hiccup…….GOooooooooo!!!”
Blah blah blah, eck eck eck, hummana hummana hummana, spit spit spit, hack hack hack, ugh ugh ugh. I was yet again praying to the porcelain gods. I never desired to be fluent in this language. I’ve prayed to said gods in German, Albanian, Macedonian, Slovenian, and now Japanese; but at least this time it was at the greatest alter ever conceived by man.
Toilet
Many of you grew up with the Simpsons. I think sometime in our high school years the Simpsons visited Japan. In the episode Homer encounters the toilet. The toilet tells him that he pleased to accept his waist. There is music, fireworks, and Homer is amazed and astonished. The toilets over there have more controls than Captain Kirk’s chair. Warming seats, music, deodorizers, air, and water. The air and water come at different angles and pressures. They have settings for both boys and girls. Hell, I would just go sit on the toilet and see what kind of trouble I could get into. Push this button….HOLY MACKENZIE…push this button…..JAKEY LIKEY…….push that button….YOWZA……and that button…..OHHH THAT’S THE STUFF RIGHT THERE. You’re bum is a prized possession in the land of the rising sun.
The rest of Sunday
Adam woke up to the sound of me hacking and yacking. He tried to comfort me with his laughs. It helped….not. We showered up and made our way to the base. We were in serious need of grease and carbs. There are many many American fast food joints on this base. I’ve never had a better tasting Sbarros in my life. The grease, the bread, the red sauce, and the cheese like product made mijo happy again. Sunday was some sort of holiday for the Japanese people. There was a parade celebrating all things Japanese. That would have been very cool to go to. Everyone was dressed like a geisha or a ninja. Everyone also had pizza. For some reason you just can’t find American style pizza in Japan. So when the base opens up to the public. Sbarros and Anthony’s sell about 2300 pizzas. I counted. We walked around the base and I saw where Adam worked. We did some shopping and checked out a few things around the town. We were killing time before dinner. Adam introduced me a food that would rival my love of brisket. Something that would shake my very foundation of culinary pleasures. YAKINUKI. Yakinuku translates to gloriousness in my mouth. At said restaurants you have a built in grill at your table. Think super small electric Weber grill. They bring out these thinly sliced pieces of beef and you grill them up for about 20 seconds. Then you dip them in heaven sauce and devour. There is no other way to describe it. I ate their three times and you will read about the next two times in this very same blog. It comes with rice and vegetables. AND green melon flavored fanta. Ooh da la le!!! After that we went back home and kicked it. My hangover was completely gone and I was sated. The end.
Monday
Adam had to go to work. He didn’t know it but I woke up before him. Stupid jet lag. I woke up and ate some food and watched some TV until about 930 when I knew stuff would be open. I went back to the place where you could have the beef bowl with rice and raw egg, mmm. I had major shopping to do, everyone and their mother wanted something. Not really, but my cousins gave me a serious to-find list. Godzilla, hello kitty, stickers, pens, pencils, notepads, harachucka (sp?), Andrew said I needed to get him something ridiculous. So I went out and about on my journey. I hit up a few stores and malls, and started knocking things off the list. Hello kitty junk is everywhere and anywhere, especially since this is the 35th year of her/his/its birth. There were a lot of neat things about shopping in Japan. The women there are still very submissive so whenever I walked into a store or just past the store the women would bow to me. I asked Adam what I was supposed to do; he said just smile, say hello, and nod. If you can’t bow correctly best not to bow at all. I thought, that is a good point. I also did my best to give and receive things with two hands. Like money or getting my merchandise. I would say arrigato and just like other countries; some people think it’s cute that I’m trying others think I’m just some douchey white American. But either way, when in Rome is always the best policy. I went to a restaurant in the food court. And the menu only had one picture of food on it so I had to order it. It was sausage egg plant spaghetti, FTfuckingW. I had a ginger ale. Japanese ginger ale kicks the crap out of Canada dry. It was so flavorful and gingery. I left the mall and walked to this place to get a massage. I got this awesome foot massage. I told everyone about said massage and of course they think I got my wank yanked. But it was a legitimate foot massage. It was heavenly. I fell asleep in the chair. I stopped in an arcade after the massage. The video games there are amazing; it was like Aladdin’s castle but times ten or 11. They had this horse racing game where you get on little miniature horse going around a race track. The entire set up was about 10 by 25 feet. Super sweet. They had a lot of role playing games. Lots of fighting games. Lots of claw games. And of course interactive music games: guitars, drums, disc jockeys, and my favorite, a game where you played those big huge drums. Oh yeah it was sweet‼ I rocked it hard, until this 13 year showed up next to me, pulled out his own drumsticks and proceeded to wail on this son of a bitch on super extreme hard mode. It was like a first year drummer going up against a DCI kid. I felt defeated and ashamed, all the while amazed and this kids skills and thinking how many pieces of yen he had to go through to get that good. Unless, like the stereotype holds true. That all Japanese are better at videogames out of the womb than adult Americans. I met Adam for dinner about 430, I didn’t eat because I wasn’t that hungry at that time. He had to do some shitty as 30 hour shift, it was bullshit. How can they expect anyone to function after 24 hours? I hadn’t been home for two months, so even American fast food was a novelty to me. I had some awesome churches chicken, red beans and rice, biscuit and honey. Man alive. I went back to Adams after that and watched Gran Torino on Blue Ray. A first for me in both categories. That movie was fantastic; I never knew I knew so little racial slurs until I watched that movie. My lexicon is now better.
Tuesday
I slept later, but not as late as I would have liked. Adam was due to get home about 12 but then he was going to need to sleep a few hours after work for a day and a half. So I went back out exploring, did some more shopping. It was worthless trying to find things that fit me. The clothes there are sold in centimeters. My neck is 40cm, which is average, only 16 inches, but my arms are 94 cm. that about 37 inches. The longest sleeve they had was 80 cm. Stupid short stature nation. They had some really nice business shirts with cool button patterns and just general cool stitching and sewing. But no, I had too much muscle and bone building calcium and protein growing. Plus my Dad is tall so now I can wear anything in your land, unless its imported. And speaking of imported there are a lot of NY rap stores where you can buy fubu, rocca wear, sean jean, ecko, and what not. There are a lot of sailors with disposable income to buy junk they don’t need. So people set up shop and sell them this stuff at a markup. Good on them I guess. Walking back to the train station I got turned around and found myself on the correct parallel street but it was sort of a back alley. This store front had posters of people getting it on skinimax style. The entrance didn’t look inviting, it looked dirty and sketchy. It looked like a place where they employed a full time jizz mopper. Well it turns out it was an adult theater. I double timed it out of there. I went back to Adams and watched the third underworld movie on blue ray and waited for Adam to wake from his slumber Tuesday afternoon we were on our way to Yokohama to get my first HRC of Japan. Yokohama is a very nice clean city. They have a really nice landmark of a Ferris Wheel. I only go to HRC to get pins, I never eat there. Adam didn’t know and was pretty upset with me. There are only a few places we can eat in Japan because of the language barrier. So Adam took me on a scavenger hunt sort to speak about Yokohama to find a restaurant unlike any other in Japan. A one hundred percent authentic El Paso Mexican food, called El Toroito, which was staffed with one hundred percent authentic Japanese. This restaurant was about ninety two percent on point. There are restaurant in El Paso that aren’t that good. This restaurant was on top of a tall building that had a really good view of Yokohama. The food was so good. I hadn’t had really good Mexican food since I was in town last May. This hit the spot; the chips, the rice, the beans, the chicken tacos. Even had some so-so Carta Blanca that hit the spot. Something about ice cold cerveza. Afterwards we headed back to Adams place and watched a movie. It was that movie that is set in Japan with that dead looking girl. The Grudge. Scarred the balls off of me. And Adam wouldn’t spoon me so I was forced to sleep on the couch with this demon girl stuck in my mind. All the apartments look the same there, so every time the place crooked and creaked I thought “All right demon, you want to dance, lets do the damn thing” I finally drifted off to repose but it wasn’t sweet.
Wednesday
This was our first full day of sight seeing. I was pumped, jacked, locked, stocked, and ready to go. I had my nifty fanny pack. Sandals with socks on. A bucket hat. Cell phone clipped to my side. And my Don’t mess with Texas tshirt. So I was one good looking American tourista. We were headed to see the best Buddha in the vicinity. The Buddha in Kamakura. It was quite a journey, about 1 hour on the train. Of course everything is about 1 hour on the train. Adam wasn’t exactly sure where we were going, this was his first time as lead tour guide. We found our way though. I have a really good sense of navigation even in a foreign town. The Buddha was absolutely amazing. It was packed, so many schools and tourist were visiting that day. Its about 40 feet tall and you have about 10 feet tall slippers too look out. The whole compound has lots of little shrines and temples. The Buddha is about 700 years old but doesn’t look a day over 30……ha…..ha…..ha. After that we went around the town. We walked through the market area. Nothing but shop after shop after restaurant after restaurant. Lots of really cool looking kimonos, happi coats, chopsticks, Buddha statues, and other things for sale. We saw a couple of signs pointing to this really big shrine. So we thought why not. We walked in the wrong direction, but serendipitously of us we found the back entrance. We walked up this really cool flight of stairs to what we thought was just a regular happy go lucky shrine. Nope that was just its garage. This thing was massive, breathtaking, and another cool adjective. We went in and roamed around. This thing was old as shit, but it didn’t look old at all. The maintenance that must be performed on this thing was amazing. Not a dust of dirt, not a fade of paint, not a nothing was wrong with this place. It reminded me of Disney, that’s how well kept it was. It was also very cool to see people praying there, very cool. They throw money into a collection bin, clap their hands, start rocking a bow, and pray it up. Very cool. You must wash your hands and walk through some incense to purify yourself to enter. Easy, not like they are making your do pushups. Double very cool. After we walked around and took some pictures we did a little shopping and I picked up some souvenirs for some folks. We had to get back to Yokuska to meet some of Adam’s co-workers for dinner. We went to one of those place where you have to take off your shoes to enter. We sat on the floor, or rather below the floor. The waitresses feet were about neck level to us. The restaurant had two computer screens on each end. They were totally in Japanese, but we had two of Adams coworkers who were fluent. They just started ordering dish after dish. Grilled fat, grilled chicken, edamame, soup, tofu, soup, sushi, saki, beer. Everything was ordered in excess. Drunkeness and full stomachs followed shortly. Had a really good time. After we sat down a few other people joined us. They were all of Asian descent and didn’t know how tall I was. Im all legs. Well to get out form the table to go to the bathroom I was crawling on all fours and stood up. These guys were like about 5’4 and drunk. Ohhh man, You so tall, its like Godzilla. Man that made me happy. Awesome being 76” tall. I was nervous about the bathroom because I was barefoot and mens bathroom arent exactly clean or dry. Well they were prepared, they had slippers waiting for you to enter the bathroom. Holla holla holla to the Japanese. The bill came to about 45,000 yen, which is about 425 dollar. For 9 people that’s not so bad. It was such a good time. Later it turns out, after being carried out of the restaurant; one of Adam’s friends broke a window with his elbow, then broke the side walk with his head. This was of course after leading the rest of Adams friends on a bare foot (he left his shoes at the restaurant) chase through the streets of Yokosuka for no apparent reason. Adam and I were really craving mcflurrys at that time. It just so happened there was a mcdonalds right around the corner. Ahh globalization. Dammit they were closed. So we went home about 98% satisfied with our day.
Thursday
We were still on quest to find certain toys and souvenirs for people. I also wanted to go to Akhabara, it’s the super duper electronics district. If you want a camera or tv or radio or laptop or computer or video game or child porn you got it. I went through a quite a lot of stores, every piece of a computer had its own store; memory, cpu’s, hard drives, monitors, keyboards, mice, accessories, fans, lights, speakers, microphones, you name it, there is a store there. And all of these stores are 4 to 5 stories too. It was really difficult finding Godzilla stuff. If you are into Gundam Wing or Dragon Ball Z or stockings and leggings then that is a really easy gift for me to get for you. But Godzilla is old, a few decades late, and they really don’t care for that I guess; maybe it’s a little culturally insensitive. So we went into everything that looked like it might contain toys. This one store looked pretty promising but nothing, they did have an adult section. I guess you are wondering about that child porn aren’t you. Well we were just randomly perusing DVDs. Pulled one out, (heyo), and we thought, that girl must have filmed this on her 18th birthday, because there is no way shes any older than that. Hmmm, keep perusing. Pulled another one out, WOW, theres no way that girl even has her drivers license. I think its time we get out of here Adam. Hes pulls a video out and that girl is 11 and for good measure we turn the corner and yep, a 6 year old on the cover. So we immediately doubled timed it out of there. Now, Ive never seen child porn so I don’t know what they make the kids do or if the kids are naked or what. These kids were just doing stuff. There was an episode of SVU where some perv ran a site called look but don’t touch. The kids on these videos were hanging out at the park, swimming, playing sports, whatever. So they weren’t doing anything illegal or illicit, but man I felt a shower and a stiff drink were in need. Who would have thunk that stuff was for purchase, but I guess in Japan it is, it was. I had had enough of Akibara at that time, so we headed out. We went to that famous intersection you always see on videos or movies in Japan. It’s the place where 5 streets intersect and 200,000 people cross at once. We crossed it twice, felt like a bad ass. We walked around the area, its very touristy. Unfortunately, nothing in Japan fits me, they don’t make giant size there. We went into a shoe store there, a 4 story shoe store mind you. If you ever get to go to Japan, go into a shoe store; in your wildest dream you will never see colors and designs like the ones you will see there. Every color in the spectrum, its like rainbow brite, lucky charms, and my little pony had a weird awkward threesome, and this is their bastard love child. That’s how awesome those shoes were. I went up a couple of stories, I saw a lot of cool shoes, some that I just had to have. I asked that guy if they had a 30, that’s my Japanese size. He didn’t understand. He asked me what size in US? I said 13, oh no no no, US 10 and below. Damn you small nation!!! I want to give some money in exchange for foods. Now that Im looking back, I don’t think Japanese men come taller than 69 inches. Must suck to be that short. Adam picked up a pair of boots, hes 6 feet I think, but he has girl feet, they had his shoe size. One of the floors had very fancy business shoes. They had a pair of Italian shoes that cost 600 USD, Aye Chihuahua that’s a lot of money for shoes. These shoes wouldn’t have helped me get laid so no dice and, of course, THEY DIDN’T HAVE MY SIZE. At the station where you get out to go to this intersection, there is a statue of a dog. This dog came to the station every day after work to meet his master. One day at work the man died, but for the rest of the dogs life he returned every day after work to greet him. Such a nice sad story. I believe we went to roppongi that evening to go get my other hard rock café pin. We decided it would be a good idea to start drinking. Luckily HRC was having happy hour, so we officially had a binge, 5 drinks each. I decided I would buy a pack of cigarettes because I tend to do dumb shit when Im drunk. Yes, lets inhale some nicotine, arsenic, and radon, mmm get some. It was a long ride home back on the train. We took off during rush hour and it was packed like sardines in that thing, and I was starting to get a hangover. We got back to yokuska and I thought, we need to get our grub on at the yakiniku place. Well we got there at 9 and they closed at 10, they were very slow with food service and in the end I was not sated. Mas puta!!! So we went back home and crashed out.
Friday
We had another trip to Tokyo and we were off to the biggest shrine in Tokyo. We got there and it was under construction, but you could still go in and check things out. It was like the shrine in akuska but way bigger. The lanterns, the guardians, the slippers, everything. We had to purify ourselves, so we and washed our hands, we breathed in some incense. Im holy now. It was still pretty cool to see everyone praying. They would throw some money into this collection and start clapping and bowing, very cool.
They have quite a lot of shops in and around the area. So Adam and I ended up getting some happi coats. Happi coats are like kimono shirts and shorts. It’s the male version of kimonos. They are pretty sweet, very comfortable, cotton, and did I mention sexy. I don’t know what else we did that day. So lets just say we did some stuff. Its okay I still have a lot left to write about my last party weekend so lets just bump it up to Saturday. Man Im already on page 8. UPDATE. We had the next best thing to eat in Japan. Called Sha-bu Sha-bu. Its like the Melting Pot, but for men who use their penis. Melting Pot is really good, sorry for slandering you. But Sha-bu Sha-bu is just the tits. You get a big boiling pot of water at your table and you dump in bean sprouts and vegetables, and, of course, thinly sliced pieces of beef. You dump them in this sauce that is illegal in 49 states because the sauce will instantly take away all of your pain. You dip your meat in the water for about 8 seconds and then you devour it like a barbarian. You get unlimited rice and unlimited green melon fanta. I haven’t the slightest idea while this hasn’t caught on in the states. Sounds like Adam and I will be going into business for ourselves shortly. It was so good, a little expensive, but totally worth it.
Saturday
Woke up this day and we were really tired of getting on the train for hours and hours. We just went to base for lunch and went to see Where The Wild Things Are. I didn’t care for it. I think I remembered the book from my child hood. So, I said okay. The movie was okay, it didn’t have a moral or any kind of conclusion. So I was a little disappointed with the movie. I remember it got a Caldecott award, the award for illustrations, but the book is only 12 sentences long. How could you make an hour and a half movie about that? So that’s why the movie sucked. We came back to the apartment and just chilled. We were going to have one last night of liver destruction in Roppongi. We had our regular pre party and unlike last week when I finished my Chu-Hi, I had left soberville. So we get down to Roppongi and we start downing the vodka. We were in this one club that had a lot of Russian Mob in it. All the videos on the tv were of Russian pop stars and models. They were super F-I-N-E. There were a bunch of ladies hitting on us; so of course, something must be afoot. We saw these girls walk in, usually two or three at a time. They always walked in with one suited up dude and he would get a drink and then go sit in the corner and wait and watch. So, the girls would come up to you and buy you a shot and then would want you to buy a bottle or something. Yeah, thanks girls, see you around. Before we left, we saw a couple of bubba whiggers. They were getting in tussle with the African bouncer. They wouldn’t let him in because they were dressed like whiggers and before you knew it bubba takes a swing at the African. So bubba and his fellow bubbas are fighting a lot with all the Africans and then before you knew it they were hugging it out and they let the bubbas in. So, we left once they lowered the clientele bar. But before we did we found out that all the Africans were actually Ghanans. Which was about to serve me and Adam very comically and slightly perilous! You all remember drunk Jacob shouting no in various languages at the teets teets teets guys, right? Well now that I knew where they were from I had to let them know so. So, when they asked me if I liked teets teets teets and cheap drinks and hot girls, I said Nein, no, nunca Ghana Man. WHO TOLD YOU I WAS FROM GHANA, WHO!! Nah its cool man Ive been to Ghana were cool. NO WE ARENT, WHO TOLD YOU IM FROM GHANA, ITS NOT TRUE!! Okay man, my bad. IT IS YOUR BAD, COME HERE!! Time to double time it Adam, post haste, macht schnell. Luckily I have long legs, unluckily for me all the Ghanans no each other and were telling the other teets teets teets guys to stop us. Extra lucky of me Im nimble and quick, so I was in and out of the lanes. So, we headed into a bar, and consumed mas vodka. Around 2 I was getting cranky, I hadn’t eaten in about 5 hours. So we headed back to our favorite Donar place and scarfed down some Donar, mmmm super delicious. Throughout the evening some chick had been eye fucking the shit out of Adam. She had followed us from club to club, in our last club I lost Adam. Drunk and lost in Tokyo, not the best thing. I walked out into the entrance area of this club and there he was sucking face with this chick and I thought, wheew, Ill just have some more to drink. I finished that drink and I couldn’t find him. I walked out of the club, it was about 6 am. Immediately I was attacked by all the geisha girls trying to give me a massage for very very cheap. But I was on a mission, had to find my cousin. I walked across the street and saw him in a stairwell and he was sucking more face. I walked over and he was emphatically waiving me off. Okay well the geisha girls saw this and they took advantage of me. I followed them down the dirty scary ally. We went into this elevator that opened up on the street level and went up three stories. Well, Im starting to sober up….very quickly. When I walk into this place its one big room with a lot of rooms that have been created with curtains; a lot like hospitals that have two patients in one room. So Im in this little room, and its cheap cheap cheap, only 3000 yen. Which is circa 30 bucks. So I hand it over and its massage time. From behind the other curtains I can hear sucky sucky time and fucky fucky time. Sobering up even faster and faster. My massage is pathetic, maybe 15 minutes of one handedness and the girl is talking to the other girls through the curtains. Probably the same like nail techs talking in their own language making fun of their clients. As the massage is finishing; now its time to up sale me. Oh baby baby baby, you want oil massage, mostly I just want to know what its going to take to get my dickey dick sucky sucked. 80 dolla, you like oh baby baby baby. As Im sobering up Im thinking, wait a second, I don’t need the clap or the crabs or the warts or the anything. I need to get out of here fast. Well I start getting dressed and here come 3 girls, oh baby baby baby, you okay, you no pay, its arright, free free free. I finally made it to the elevator but all the girls were in there with me. Promising me luxuries and heaven and all of that. I make it to the street and there all following me and the ones who are working the streets come after me and Im triple timing it back to Adams last known whereabouts. I walked into the bar and hes smiling and drinking away. Turns out Adam had some happy time of his own in the stairwell. I said lets get out of here. When we leave the place the geisha girls are following us and harassing us, by this time they have enlisted the help of Ghanans. Boy were they all upset with me. To appease them, Adam takes me into a club. We drink some more and about 730 I get him to go. The geishas and ghanans are still there but they have forgotten. Thank you Buddha. We both crash out on the train home. Get back to Adams place about 930, pound some motrin and Gatorade and its off to bed.
Sunday
Slept until 330 in the afternoon. I woke up looking smelling feeling like a million bucks, LUDA!!!! Adam, on the other hand woke up looking smelling feeling like a bag of ass shit. Hahaha! I was hugely in need of greasy foods, Adam wanted to sit in the fetal position the rest of the day. Nope, I think I need one more dose of Yakiniku. It took a lot of convincing to make Adam go but he relented. The place was straight cash. I think we ate three pounds of meat. MMMmmmm get some!!! Came back and I packed up because I was leaving super early in the morning. When I arrived I was able to take the DoD bus, but they don’t leave that early in the morning. SO I had to take the train.
Monday
The train ride was about three hours. I took it from the start of the line to the end of the line. 56 stops. When I got on the train I was the only one, but by the time we got to Tokyo proper there had to be about 102 people on that train. Rush hour was ridiculous. Thankfully I had a seat and just kicked it listening to PTI podcasts. Checking in and going through customs was pretty easy, and Im a seasoned pro about that stuff. Again I was whisked through because of the Joint Armed Forces agreement. Holla DoD contractor. I chilled in the admirals lounge, bought some awesome whiskey, bought a book on the Yakuza, and bought a lot of green tea candies. I went and hung out at the gate. My philosophy about boarding the place is to get on right before general admission gets on. I don’t like the douchey rich white people who fly in first and business or who are just executive platinum. When you get on the plane you take a left for first and a right for business and coach. This was the first time I was going to take a left, I WAS SITTING IN FIRST. I really dressed to the Tens. Jeans, tennis shoes, and my awesome keyboard kat tshirt. I walked on the plane and they looked at my ticket like I was scum, then they saw my ticket. Oh Mr. Eggemeyer, right this way, Mr. Eggemeyer weve been expecting you, Mr. Eggemeyer how are you today, Mr. Eggemeyer would you like some water, orange juice, champagne, Mr. Eggemeyer here are you slippers, Mr. Eggemeyer Ill be your personal assistant for the flight. And it continued like that for the next 11 hours. The movies are way better, the food is way better, and of course the ass kissing is way better. They come out with the salad cart and I choose my ingredients. I choose my supper from the menu. MMM excellent choice sir. When they bring me the meal they ask if I would like some wine. Sure, the white. Well which one sir. Flip through the meu…the sauvignon blanc. MMM excellent choice sir the vintor received a lot of rain that year and the grapes were magnificent. Yeah, dude, whatever, as long as this is not vinegar Im going to drink it. It then comes time for our dessert and he brings out the sundae cart. I had a chocolate fudge sundae and he asked if I would like any cordials. I said sure, Ill have some Baileys. He asked if I would like that straight up or on the rocks. I said just give me the bottle Im going to put it on my ice cream. aWHAT, hmmm, how quaint, Ive never heard of anyone doing that. Oh please dude, you are just a flight attendant, you aren’t rich, you don’t belong up here, you just work here, so don’t act so pretentious. But I guess he has to act that way because the people up there just buy their tickets. I was the only person up there that had any kind of status in AA’s eyes. My ticket was a reward it was not paid for with cash. The flight was a lot of fun, the seat was like the starship enterprise seat. It rotated, it adjusted, it laid back, it went fully flat, yep I slept like a champ.
I landed in Dallas and flew to Tucson and drove home to Sierra Vista. Japan had to be one of the greatest times of my life. I real true vacation. I did what I wanted, I didn’t do what I didn’t want to do. I ate, slept, drank, and kicked. Turns out Im very good at kicking it. Adam thank you so much, you put up with all of my needs as a guest, eating and sleeping, and everything. Hopefully you enjoyed your reward. I hooked Adam up on his flights home for Christmas, traveling in business class is so choice. I highly recommend it to everyone to at least do it once.
Well thanks for reading this monstrosity. This is the longest blog Ive ever written. It is ten pages. And its 8,214 words. Santa Maria, that’s a lot of typing. Hope you all enjoyed it.
See you around,
Sayonara.
Ja-Chan
