peace up, h town down

After several sweepstakes entered and never winning; finally Matty Brown came away a winner. Father’s day weekend I went to visit Matt Brown and the rest of the Houston crew. Due to an inside joke, the rest of this blog will refer to Matty Brown as WP. WP = Weekend Pussy, that’s what Matt was to me.


Thursday
So after a trip to MonteNEGRO I took some time off in Texas. I had a head cold on my flight and experienced the worst NON decongesting landing I have ever had. I thought this was it, I’ve had a pretty good run, I’ll never see again, my eyes are about to ex/implode. I could not pop my ears to save my life. I went to a store in DFW and bought some decongestant, but it didn’t work. On my flight from DFW to IAH I had the same problem only a little less. After I arrived I had some pizza and then we were off to Woodrow’s for some turtle racing. It was so epic, it’s not even fair. My turtle won, because that’s how I roll.

Friday
Woke and felt so much better, who knew Lonestar beer was cure all for all that ales you, (rim shot)! Friday was just me and WP hanging out. After getting a quick bite to eat we came to the conclusion that we should go to a water park. We went to Schlitterbahn in Galveston, fuck SplashTown!! On the way down we were listening to some rap music, specifically the Chronic 2001. After listening to the Eddie Griffiths’ track, WP was born. We got there about 12 or 1 and we saw the damage that Ike had done. What a son of a bitch. Schlitterbahn was pretty tight. It wasn’t too crowded since it was a work day. They had some pretty intense slides at this park and the lines weren’t too bad. WP yelled out Hoochie Mama every time he went down. It was pretty awesome. They had a non lazy river which was pretty cool. WP and I went through an entire bottle of SPF 45, gotta keep the white white. There weren’t too many hotties there, butt there were quite a few big mamas (rim shot). After we were water logged we decided to roll out. I decided I would roll back topless; WP had no qualms with this. He even thought it was funny. On our way home we saw an old couple riding a motorcycle and it was the greatest thing ever. WP and I could never chill has hard as they were chilling. We got home that night and just chilled a little bit. Jackie had gone out with some friends. WP and I walked over to a restaurant and got some food for dinner. Later we went over to the Rice area for some drinks. We went to Ginger Mans, where cousin Paul was kicked out of for being surly and unruly. We also went to Woodrows’ and to some other bar. Another good evening.

Saturday
Everyone was off this day and this was also Jackies birthday. Everyone went over someones Landing for brunch. It was rocking. Some of the best fried fish Ive ever had. Then we all headed out to Kemah. We walked around the boardwalk, and then we fed the stingrays. One of the bastards beat me. Can you believe that? I’m trying to feed a wild animal and all of sudden it mistakes my fingers for food. After that we rode a freaking awesome wooden roller coaster. Then Cheney and I pretended to be strongmen. After we got back, Clara came over and picked me up. I went out to her place to check out her home and reminisce, I hadn’t seen her in two years. She has a really bad ass home. I was jealous and a really cool back yard….that could host some pretty cool homes. On the way taking me back to WP’s house, we stopped and got some Whataburger and some Dr. Pepper. Dr. Pepper always tastes better in Texas.
For Jackies birthday we went to Rock Bar, which is the best bar Ive ever been too. No cover, no dress code, and heavy metal music. Jackie and WP reserved two tables. Now Ive never desired bottle service in my life, but having a place to sit down in a club is pretty awesome. We had vodka, Jager, and something else, and then all the mixers we could ask for. Most of the girls got drunk pretty quickly. Awesome. At one point the entire group, all 20 of us, and the entire bar were singing in unison, Chop Suey by System of a Down. Everyone except Cheney, he doesn’t know any metal. Poor little lamb. Rock Bar also has a lounge and a smoking balcony connected next to it. Pretty real. They have hot bartenders, and hot chicks swinging on swings. Lots of hotness is the overall theme of this bar. The mirror in the bathroom is a two way sort of kinda. You can see yourself and you can see the girls, also hot. Most people got pretty drunk. We headed over to 59 diner and had some breakfast tacos. They were pretty real. That ended up being a pretty long meal, but it was cool. Then we were driven home. Now WP had been talking about the tranny hookers in his neighborhood for the whole weekend. He said they used to be down the block, but they had been run off. Well somewhere in the mix of things, Amanda missed her turn and there they were in all their magnificent glory. Humongous, black, tranny hookers. It was glorious. I was so happy. It was so awesome we went back for a second pass. And Danny flipped them off. Im not sure if you can find a better urban safari then the one we went on that night. The biggest tranny hooker looked like Howard Johnsons; he was that big. I told WP about this and he was happy. He knew that that was the icing on the cake for my trip. I shared my love of green tea before going to bed, WP had two cups.

Sunday

We woke up and people were pretty hung-over and were probably not going to make the proposed BBQ time; but I was jonesin for BBQ. So I had WP yelp us some BBQ joints that were close and/or near the airport. We found one, it was pretty bad, we’ll never go there again. The line was out the door though; people in h town must not have a high BBQ intellect. After that we headed over to Cheneys. He has a pretty sweet apartment. Wood floors, satin sheets, he might be moonlighting as a gigolo. After some more chatting and conversing it was getting to be that time, to head over to IAH where they don’t offer free interwebs. Im pretty sure my flights were uneventful, because I don’t remember them. Anyways, that was Houston in a nutshell.

Thanks for everyone for coming out and making my stay a great one. It was great to see all of you and Im sorry it took so long to come stay on your couch. Jackie and WP, thanks so much.

Love,

Jacob