monteneWHO, monteNEGRO

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Montenewho monteNEGRO

Welcome back to the Balkans. This time were heading back to the Adriatic coastline, the only remaining country to visit to finish up the entire sea would be to go to Greece. I think we might make it there one day.

Thursday

Regular travel day TucsonàDallasàHeathrowàMunichàWienàPodgorica.

Well maybe not that normal, but normal for me. Our flights were okay. Since the company bought our tickets so far in advance they were able to purchase super deep discount which means I can’t put in an upgrade which means I’m back in cattle class. You get accustomed to business and first real quickly. So after my last two trips where I was business and now going back to economy, it was tough not being able to sleep and having control over my movie selection. In business you can pick and choose from hundreds of movies and TV shows all on demand. Sounds bourgy, but it’s not. Most carriers that aren’t AA have those options in coach. So back to the flight, the movie list was nothing but chick flicks; and since I love them so much it was nothing but smooth sailing for me. Hotel for Dogs, New in Town, Confessions of a Shopaholic, mmm give me some sugar!‼ During meal service I was accosted. I normally order kosher meal or Jalal meal because they taste better. Well I’ve gotten ugly looks from fellow passengers. Some from people who look at me and think, “No way you are a Jew, how dare you order a kosher meal”, others, “You dirty Jew rat get away from me.” Well this time the flight attendant looked at me as if I were a Leper. I told him I had a kosher meal and he scoffed and rolled his eyes. Sheesh the oppression of my people continues. Changing channels and gears now… So now for the interesting part of this particular trip and an experience that will go down like all my other firsts. In the back of the plane there was an Arab family complete with children and burqas. Now I always tend to stare at things that are new to me. Crazy red necks, crazy black people, crazy .. ethnic race. I stare because it’s new and exciting. So in the back of the plane the kids were having a great time. One kid had buttered his whole hand, another was playing video games, and another one was having some more soda; all things that they are probably not accustomed to. Then I saw one of the greatest things. The mom who was wearing the complete outfit and had the face veil lifted her veil to take a bite of her dinner.....

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I JUST SAW FORBIDDEN CHEEK....

I instantly jizzed in my pants as this may have been the hottest thing I have ever seen. Certainly hotter than seeing my first boob, first stripper, first minge, or having my first White Russian. I quickly averted my eyes and had a grin on my face from cheek to cheek. Man alive this was going to be a good trip.....

Friday....

Getting to London and then to Munich were pretty uneventful. I took a pretty long nap in the London Lounge, that made the rest of the trip jet lag more bearable. Munich, where we had our layover was okay. I got some pretty good Donner kabobs and watched Federer barely squeak out of the semis at the French Open.....

Saturday....

The remaining flights to Vienna and then onto to MonteNEGRO were okay. We flew Austrian airlines to Vienna. I have flown them in the past and they have some of the best legroom in coach I’ve ever had. Not to mention hot ass flight attendant who were red from head to toe; shoes, panty hose, skirts, vests, shirts, blouses, scarves. Yummy! When we got to Podgorica there was no one to greet so we hung out until we got picked up and made the 60 k journey to Budva. Stop right now and Google Budva, Montenegro. Yeah that’s where I was. Pretty awesome. Our hotel was very nice. I actually didn’t have a twin size bed, so no sleeping in the fetal position for me. I also had a balcony, so double awesome, but I didn’t have an ocean view. Oh well, I’ll take it. The rest of the day I just went for a walk along the water. Did some gawking. There were some topless sunbathers. Some who should have been doing it and others who I could have gone with seeing topless. Women whose bellybuttons were in between their areolas. Barf. There were also plenty of fat dudes in Speedos. Double barf. I had some pizza and some beer and I think I called it a night.....

Sunday....

Sunday was our initial set up day and those who read this know that not much happens. But I did get to watch Federer win the French Open, that was pretty sweet. Then I was scheduled for a massage. The big blue to be specific. It was a massage involving sea water and algae or something like that. It kind of sucked. When I got there I was told to change, they provided me with a robe and slippers. I didn’t think I need the slippers; the floor wasn’t dirty or cold. As I was waiting for the massage lady I asked her why I asked her why I needed slippers. She said well we provide them so you don’t have to be completely naked. ???? Why do my feet need to be covered, she then said I know the underwear is probably too small so you don’t have to wear them. I unraveled what turned out to be a cloth bikini. (Same material as what nurses and orderlies wear over their shoes in hospitals.) Then quickly, and manly as I always am, “Yeah, These Are Too Small, He He He” I put them on, of course they fit they were elastic, but they didn’t leave much to the imagination. And as I do have the biggest bush, well…… All the oils and stuff were very cold; the music was loud and not soothing. It was Eastern Europe pop; it was also pretty bright in there. Most times the ambience was soothing, this was not. Further I was not covered by a towel, it was just me and this bikini thing and that was it. So it wasn’t the best massage ever but oh well.....

Monday....

Regular work day nothing good happened. That night we went to the old town in Budva. Very cool. We saw the old church and fort, old buildings, cobble stone streets. We had dinner at a very nice place. Very fresh seafood. We had squid, octopus, sea bass, and soul fish sp?, it was all very tasty. Then we had some gelato, mmmmm gelato, love me some gelato. There were quite a few yachts there, many from the UK. Very fancy.

Tuesday

Tuesday was our opening ceremonies, those are always fun. They had a reverse image of the UK flag and the British major got mad. Only person who could tell was the major, and everyone thought he was joking, but he wasn’t. I thought he was going to throw down for the queen. Tuesday night we went to a restaurant on the beach, and then we had our ice breaker. Nice ice breaker, good band and open bar for awhile. Stayed for quite a few more rounds, waking up Wednesday was not too much fun.

Wednesday

Wednesday was a full work day. For lunch that day I went and got some pizza with the Germans. At night we later went down to the old town to do some shopping and take a look at the old fortress. We had a nice dinner and good conversation.

Thursday

This was the day of our cultural tour. We went to the old town of Kotor. A nice sea port city with a fortress, church, mosque; it was a good tour. We had a excellent tour guide.

Friday

We only had to work about a half day, so around 4 we went to the beach. We were lounging, had some drinks. Went for a dip in the ocean. It was pretty refreshing, cool/cold, but nice and clean. That night we had the cultural tour. It was alright, nothing great to write home about. The intervals between courses was not good. Some people were barely getting dinner and some people had already finished dessert. That night many people went out, but we had to get up ass early to fly to Vienna, so I went to bad.

Saturday

Got up about 5 and went to the airport. The flight was okay, Montenegro Air is not as ghetto as it sounds. We had an overnight in Munich. I went for a swim, went to the hot tub, steam room, then got some Donor Kebab.

Sunday

Pretty easy flight home. Dallas to London took a long time, especially since I wasn’t in business class. On the way home, the Tucson flight was extremely overbooked. And I was the only one who got upgraded to first.

Love,

Huevomajor