Khiones Lover
Ahh the 2010 ski season is finally upon us. The Mountain Men had decided on a weekend that didn’t correspond with my free vacation, so looks like I’ll be skiing twice this year.
Northern California
Thursday
I went up to see Ian and his roommate Jason in San Jose. We then picked up Kyle in Sacramento. The 2010 ski season was blanketed with sayings from the following literature. Do yourself a favor and read it now. Don’t need any pickle smokers reading this blog. Anybody who doesn’t wake up in the Tri Delt house or eat chicken parms is verboten from reading this blog as well. So I got to San Jose about lunch time, we went back to Ian’s and then got some meat for dinner. Nothing but protein can fuel the Mountain Men. We rolled up to Sacramento, that way we wouldn’t have to drive so far in the morning. Kyle has a homemade beer pong table in his garage and a kegorator upstairs. It was me and Ian against Kyle and Jason. We were not having any luck, as Ian had a cold arm all night. After our first ass whooping the other team went upstairs to refill the beer. Ian and talked strategy and developed a new offensive. Bang it off the wall and drop in the opposing cups on the other side of the room. This lends itself to any easy swipe because the ball bounces. So house rules were adjusted to allow for one swipe. House Rule #11, I’m paraphrasing but basically Jacob is a Giant Cocksuker and likes it in the Arse…and now I have to drink 3 cups!!! We only had one successful ball in cup, but it was totally worth it. Kyle has a cat that I was allergic to for days. I sneezed like a son of a bitch. I popped some allergy medicine drank some more beer and fell asleep like a son of a bitch.
Friday
Woke up and drove to Tahoe. We went and saw the Intel mall, just because we’re that nerdy. We got to the resort about 1030 or so. It was a locals only resort but had really good snow and it had just snowed, so we had plenty of fresh pow pow. Something amazing happened from last year’s ski trip. I improved drastically. Normally Ian skis down the mountain, catches his breath and waits for me. But not this time, I was only behind him about 10 or 15 seconds. I don’t know if I’ve actually gotten stronger or just have more confidence due to experience, but I just pointed those sons of bitches down the mountain and went for it. Ian and I went off on our own to take care of some abrasive Negros: Will Smith speak for blacks. We killed it!!! Met up with the guys for lunch. Jason had been in the lounge drinking for quite some time, por que? Because he biffed it on the bunny slop and bent the shit out of ski. Never in a million years would I ever tell anyone to accept the insurance on ski rentals, but I guess you do it for a reason. So he was done for the day. We went and finished the day out, killed it through the trees Paul bunyon style. Slayed it!! That night we stayed in North Lake Tahoe at the Harahs there. Went to the top of the building and had a baller buffet. Sushi, tacos, crab legs, pizza, cakes….everything. We walked around trying to find some less baller tables, but everything was minimum 10 dollars. That’s not so so baller, but it is for me in that I like to make lots of bets at the crap table and don’t want to have that much money out all at once. The place was bumpin bumpin, everything was full so we just went upstairs, yes that is how we roll and watched swamp loggers on discovery channel. Shit is ridic!! We watched a marathon of that.
Saturday
We went to heavenly and it was. It just snowed and snoweD and snowED and snoWED and snOWED and sNOWED and SNOWED. It was a very expensive lift ticket, but it turned out to be well worth it. A douchey guide at the top of the mountain warned us of going over to this one part of the mountain because it had very slow lifts. Well I guess he told everyone this because no one was overt there. Which was perfect because we had the place to ourselves and it was phenomenal skiing. So we hung out over there the entire day. At heavenly they even give out cookies and hot chocolate while you wait in line. Couldn’t ask for much better skiing. Even saw Veronica Cedillos, when is it not nice to see her.
Afterwards we drove all the way back to Sacramento. Took over a pizza restaurant and watched the Miners win. That doesn’t happen very often so I’ll take every win can get. We got back to San Jose around a 11, we watched played some video games and called it a night
Sunday
Got up and watched some TV for a few hours while sleep bear slept. Jason got up and joined me, and then sleeping beauty joined us. We went to this Mexican food restaurant for lunch, it was pretty tasty, we had what was called Grandma’s special sauce, it was alright. We had really poor service, then we had some really California style sopapillas, they were okay, not correct, but we certainly finished them off. This was also Super bowl Sunday, the most holiest of Sundays. Ehh I don’t even like football, but Jason and Ian were both going to a couple of parties. So I got to the airport, it was deader than dead. Watched some of the game in the terminal, made some phone calls. People don’t like to be disturbed during the big game. Okay fine fine fine. I had a connection through Las Vegas and watched the end of the game at a sports bar. Bunch of idiots screaming who dat who dat who dat. Can anyone explain how that is the Saints motto? It doesn’t even make sense. Well I got home finally and all was well in the world.
That’s it for me
Except it’s not, I went skiing twice this year.
Mormonland 2010
Professor Pow, Chaptastic, Bolt Speedman (gayest name ever), and Khiones Lover. So you may be wondering about Khione, who she is, and who loves her. Well quite frankly I am him and she is her. She is the Greek Goddess of Snow, she brings the snow. I finger her with my penis and she comes with more snow. You may be asking how I got this job, well it’s quite simple, I have always had good snow when I’ve gone skiing. I’ve only been about 8 times, but it’s always snowing or just snowed. So it must mean that ive given it up good for her. So that how my nickname has stuck.
Thursday
We all flew in this afternoon; I went to work most of the day and got in late. The guys went and hung out with the sisters at the temple. Once I was picked up we went straight to Red Iguanas and had some super awesome Mexican food. Afterwards we went shopping for groceries, on these trips which has become the norm, we only buy sugary laden foods. Frosted flakes, honey mustard, oatmeal cream pies, cinnamon rolls, Gatorades, yummo!!! We checked into our place which was on the 3rd floor but it was four flights of stairs. Sucky later on in the weekend, walking up and down in ski boots.
Friday
We got up made our customary cinnamon rolls. Went and got some skis for me and we were off to Deer Valley. Deer Valley was good skiing again. I can’t really remember if there were any exceptional runs or what we really did during the day, just skied skied skied, ate our manly mountain men lunches. Those consist of lots of lunch meat, a box of sun dried tomato and basil wheat things, and some oatmeal crème pies. When we got home that day we stripped down to our skivvies, grabbed a dirty thirty of Coors light, and headed for the hot tub. We chilled there for about an hour and killed the 30 pack. I left a little early to go prepare on appetizers. They are from Tyson’s, they are pepperoni and cheese filled chicken nuggets. Don’t worry don’t worry, we skied all day. We earned the extra calories!! Colin passed out cuz he drank all the 3% Mormon beer. Well we got him up and we went to dinner at this place called red rock brewery. It was nice, I had a pretty good fish sandwich, we watched some ice dancing, which is a dumbass Olympic sport, went and got some free coldstone. The dude we rent from owns it, so he hooked us up. He also hooks us up with discount lift tickets. Shheeyaww!
Saturday
We got up and headed to the Canyons. Another day of great skiing, totally pwned the mountain, had our testosterone filled lunch. Got back and jumped in the hot tub with another 30 of Coors. It may sound like we drink a lot, well we do, but it’s also Mormon style, so it’s even more watery than usual. Nothing like drinking 6 beers and barely having a buzz. I finally met the girls the guys had been talking about from last night. They were hot, but they were cool as shit, liked to drink beer, and just thought we were the cleverest boys you had ever met. We are, don’t you worry your little selves. We can keep conversation going for hours and hours on end. That night we had some more anytizers, yes that is what those delectable chicken nuggets are called. Then we went and got some sushi. We killed about 10 rolls between us. We were machines. The sushi chef was this white guy who insisted on talking to us and making everything super spicy. Very lame, then he accidentally through a bottle of soy sauce at us. What gives dude, you better clean that up now.
Sunday
We got up a little later this day. We were skiing at Park City that day, so we just had to walk across the street. Rinse and repeat and we were back in the hot tub with the ladies. Ow o wow, bow chicka wow wow!! That night we went and head pizza and wings and cheese sticks. Basically all I ate was bullshit all weekend. Maybe I gained a pound, maybe I didn’t. Life is good, you all should take up skiing too. We watched the US totally beat down the Canadian hockey team this day. What a bunch of hosers, eh!! USA USA USA, I mean we really ganged banged those canucks. Man I love me some America. This day Colin shared with us the magic that is BOOO YEAH. It’s the really dirty awesome porno clip. This black dude has his giant horse wang in a white girl and his giant horse balls in her arse, then he pulls them both out, POP, and yells boo yeah. So of course we watched that thing over and over and over and screamed those line all day and night!! Hahahahah
Monday
We got up cleaned the house, packed, made breakfast, and went to the Olympic Park. It was super amazing. We learned about luge, skeleton, and bob sled. We learned about ski jumping, the hows, whys, and wheres. We had a super knowledgeable tour guide and he sold us coming back next year. We were going to change up our locale, but not no more. After a short class, you too can run down the same frozen slide that the Olympians will do. They will let you skeleton and bobsled, freaking sweet. So we’ll be doing that next year. We took a tour of downtown SLC, we saw some more of the Mormon landscape, saw the Flame at the U of Utah stadium. Then we went to this bourgy pizza place. I ordered a Diavolo pizza, mispronounced it and the guy was super happy to let me know I had misspoke. Fuck that guy. All of the guys left around 5, but I didn’t want to take a detour so I waited around late and had a direct flight home.
All in all a pretty good season of skiing. Vast improvement and Im now the proud owner of boots.
Check you all later,
Jakey poo
