Armenia
I had a good break in between Serbia and Armenia. I went home for almost two weeks. Played some racquetball. Got lots of sleep. And now yes, YES, Im ready to get the hell out of this country.
Thursday
We left this day on a really long trip. We flew TUS, DFW, LHR, YRV. The thing that was most different with this time was that once we got to Europe it was still 5 more hours to Asia. I don’t think anyone came to the conclusion on whether Armenia was Far East Europe, Far West Asia, Central Asia, or the Middle East; but after a 10 hour flight to Europe, a 6 hour layover in London, and then a 5 hour flight to Armenia was long and tough. Luckily no one was in my row and was able to fall asleep.
Friday
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Saturday
I skipped Friday because it all included travel and nothing good. Especially Paper Heart. That movie sucked royally. I hope someone goes to jail for it and loses their artistic license. We finally got to the hotel at 2 am and promptly went out. Not partying, that would have been very manly of me; something I am not. We went out to get some water, I was super thirsty and wasn’t down for drinking the water there. Finally got to bed around 4 am that night.
I woke up around 8am and went down for breakfast. Love me some euro style American breakfast. Everything is cooked with butter. We don’t normally get a full Saturday to ourselves. We usually arrive late afternoon on Saturdays, but because the way the flights worked out, I had a chance to explore in the day time. No one wanted to go with me so I went alone. Some might say big mistake, but Im not going to sit in my room all day. I wasn’t actually sure where I was going, I just went for a walk around town. We were staying in the Republic Square which is sort of like their capital area slash downtown. There were many ministry headquarters there, fancy walkways, and pretty good architecture. After I got lost once I went back to the hotel to better orient myself. The place I wanted to was off to the right, now straight ahead like I had thought. So I left the hotel with renewed confidence. I was going to this outside bazaar. The place was a about 1 to 2 blocks long. Lots of hand made goods. Clothes, leather, paintings, crafts, rugs, and lots of medicine tools. Beakers, forcipes, dental picks, lots of fake teeth. They had a place to buy puppies, it was a eastern European one stop shop. I bought a few things for people, some purses, a mug, and I finally found Hash a t-shirt. I love Armenia. Hes always asked for one and I could never find one. This one was extra special because the heart was a pomegranate. The Armenians are all about pomegranate. It’s a visual representation of their country and religion. I explain later in a few days. They are also pretty big into Mt. Ararat. Mt. Ararat is the believed final resting place of Noah’s Ark. You will find a lot of Noah’s Ark references in and around the country. You can see Mr. Ararat from Yerevan, that’s the name of the capital and where I was staying. Unfortunately for the Armenians, none of Mt. Ararat is in Armenia. Armenia is a very small country similar in size to West Virginia. Well, over the years they have gotten their asses whooped but the Turks, Azerbaijan’s, and whoever else felt like it. They have no land, but they are still a proud people and a nation of hotties. That’s where the Kardashians are from. The cute one, not the pig faced one. After I was done shopping I went back to the area where I got lost, I did stumble upon a donner place. Mmm how I love donner kebobs. So I ordered, or at least I pointed to stuff and put money in my hands. I don’t feel I was ripped off. Well soft drinks in Europe usually come in gay .2L, that’s basically 2 big swallows. So I was sitting at a table, I got up to get another Pepsi, came back, came around the corner, and my stuff was gone. I thought okay…..WTF…..I asked the cleaning lady who spoke no English where my shit was, she brought me a tray. I looked in the garbage thinking she threw it away. And the heaviest realization came over me, I had been robbed. I lost my appetite, I felt violated, I started to sob on in the inside, I wanted to scream, and I felt cold; all over some mugs, purses and an I <3 style=""> The ten minute walk back to the hotel took about 2 hours. I felt like those stick figures in anti-depressant commercials. Where the rainy cloud is only over you. I got back and told my coworkers. Some were apologetic, some were concerned, one wondered why I had left my stuff at the table when I got up to get something else to drink. “You shouldn’t leave your stuff unattended” Fuck you!‼ I haven’t been robbed in 26 years, why would that even cross my mind. Get up for two minutes, come back, and your stuff is still there is not a novel idea. So after our little meeting I went back out with my friend and bought all of my shit back. I thought, you know what, I make way more than you bastards, I may have a small penis, but my wallet is thick and fat. I bought everything I lost, the vendors looked at me perplexed. You can see it in their eyes, “weren’t you just here, why do you want the same crap I just sold you” Just put it in the bag you old bitty. Its probably a scam, sell you something, someone comes and steals it, then you have to go and re buy it. So that was my Saturday, I was mostly feeling better by the end of the day. Nothing food and beer couldn’t fix.
Sunday
This is our day to get prepped for the conference. It’s a pretty easy day. We don’t do much, Im usually acting like a gopher or canyoudo. I cant even think what we did that day or night. So im just going to tell you about the wild dogs that roam the streets. That’s an interesting story right?!?! So, in Republic Square there live about 7-8 dogs. You are thinking, no big deal Jacob, in fact, yawn. Well on the Department of State website they actually warn you about roaming packs of stray dogs. These dogs are like little gangs and they are very territorial. Not towards humans, we rock the top of the food chain for a reason. But of other dog gangs. This one little dog got a little too close and the whole pack chased him down. They bit him and nipped at him. Felt bad, because the alpha dog was like a German Sheppard Chow mix. This other dog was like a terrier off breed or something else pretty small. Poor little lamb. The dogs just how at night, chase cabs, and sleep during the day. Why the people put up with it in their fancy square I don’t know, but rather interesting to see something on a State report actually come true.
Monday
Its not often I go out with the intention of getting drunk, but today I was feeling some alchy-hol time. Their national beer is pretty weak, not very tasty. I always feel bad for these people who have such nationalist pride in their beer and it taste like my piss, but oh well. I found a smaller brewery that was pretty darn tasty. One of my coworkers and I sat, had some pizza, and drank about 2 liters. I was certainly in buzzville and pretty much on my way to drunkenstein. I could tell I was talking a little louder, but nothing I couldn’t handle. Went to the store, got some chocolate, because I tend to get a sweet tooth when drinking, chugged some water and went to bed.
Tuesday
What the F*$% was in that beer? I felt like a bag of ass had its own bag of ass. I should totally be able to hand 2 liters of beer. That’s about 5 or 6 US beers. The name of the beer was Kotayk Gold. It was 7% alcohol and it leveled me. I woke up and showered, that didn’t make me feel better. I checked for cancer, that didn’t make me feel better. I had breakfast, that didn’t make me feel better. So I went to work and just drank water. Sucky, Tuesday is our busiest day of the conference, that’s when everybody needs something. So I was on my feet all morning. Lots of burps, the burps that taste like throw up. Finally made it to lunch and decided I was just going to take a nap. I laid there but couldn’t fall asleep. The sheets were cold and so was the pillow, I was in heaven. Went back down to work and no one was there. We got 1.5 hours of lunch at this conference. So I went back up to my room and laid down. As I was drifting to sweet repose I took that first long swallow. Ran to bathroom and learned a new language. You can add Armenia to my list of languages that Im fluent in toilet. That made me feel somewhat better, but not totally. Barfing is supposed to be the ultimate fix all, Kotayk Gold was not going down without a fight. The rest of the day dragged out, I ate some snacks and drank lots of water. I was feeling marginally better. Every Tuesday night is our ice breaker. The Armenians out did themselves and took us to a brandy factory. They were offering 10 and 25 year old cognac and 66 and 99 year old wine. Man I really wish I was not feeling so poor. Maybe cognac will make me feel better. Nope. Maybe wine older than my grandma will make me feel better. Nopers. But I can now say I have had 25 year old cognac. I don’t know enough about cognac to know that 25 year is better than 5 year. The old wines, though, were something totally different. The 99 year old wine tasted like prune juice. You know when you swirl wine it leaves a slight layer around the glass. Well this did it to, but it was closer to syrup than liquid. The wine was thick and was very sweet. Couldn’t taste any alcohol, I don’t know if after that much aging the alcohol goes away, but it was only okay since Im not that much a fan of prune juice.
Wednesday
Woke up and felt much better. My body 1, Kotayk Gold 1. Youll rue the day KG. Didn’t do much this day except eat like a behemoth. I didn’t have much to eat on Tuesday and my body was in serious need of calories. So I obliged, big breakfast, big lunch, and big dinner.
Thursday
Was just a regular day at work and I was feeling a massage at dinner. One of the guys on the trip is someone who I get along with extraordinarily. I wanted to eat dinner with him every night. So the question was do I skip the massage or skip dinner with him. Well, in Jacob Land, you always have more than one choice. We do get 1.5 hours for lunch, why don’t I try and sneak one in. Kill two birds at one time, massage and lunch. Yummo! So I got a massage and it was pretty rocking. It was 60 bucks for 60 minutes. That’s exactly what Im willing to pay for. $ a minute. She spent a long time on my back side and paid a good amount of time to my ass. My ass needs love too, it’s a huge muscle. Well the massage ran a little long and I showed up to late work. Of course everyone noticed. I had to explain myself and some were upset, disappointed, but Im still employed. It had been three days since my last soiree with beer. So I thought tonight, will be round 2 with KG. I had some pizza and 1 liter of KG. Was barely in buzzville. Went home and went to bed.
Friday
You have got to be kidding me, son of a bitch. What the funk is in this beer. I did not feel as bad as Tuesday morning, but it was not a blessed morning. Water and breakfast fixed things, but man alive if I cant handle 1 liter, I must be getting soft and old. Well most of the people on my team felt this way. There must be some chemicals or some feces or something that is just not agreeing with me when it comes to this beer. This was the last day of the conference so it wasn’t too bad to deal with things, we packed up, went to closing ceremonies, and call it a day. That afternoon they had our cultural tour. We went to the head of the Armenian Church. I guess Catholic and Orthodox are the biggest denominations, Armenian is a close second. We had a very attractive tour guide, so I learned loads of information. She gave us fun facts about the cognac factory we went to, the beer breweries, Mt. Ararat, and the Church. Very informative and very interesting. The church was very pretty and ornate inside. Not much else to say about that, but youll see it in pictures next week. She did explain what the significance of the pomegranate is. There are more Armenians outside of Armenia than there are in Armenia. How many times can you write Armenian in one sentence? So the pomegranate is Armenia and when you break it up all the little fruits are the Armenians from around the globe. There is also significance with the religion but I forget now. We got back from the tour, went upstairs and got dressed for the party. I was rocking a bow tie, that I tied myself. Everyone smirked, but I got more compliments than hatorade. I think I will wear a bow tie next time. Plus, at the end of the night when you untie I look super GQ smooth. A la George Clooney, except Im better. That’s not me saying that, someone did a scientific poll. The dinner was great. We had awesome dancers, the girls did some crappy interpretive dance with pomegranates. Blah. The guys were way better. They were jumping, flipping, fighting, and drinking. It was super entertaining. They also had some military singers. They were singing these big booming bombastic ballads; alliteration FTW‼! Im not sure if they are patriotism songs or former USSR songs. The country as we know it now is only 18 years old. In fact it was the Armys 18th birthday on Thursday. But I was a little tipsy by the time they started singing. It sounded like something out of a propaganda video. All I knew was that I wanted to crush capitalism, reaganomics, and shoulder pads!‼ The dinner ended kind of early, 1030. I could go for a lot more partying, but I decided I didn’t want to ruin Saturday for myself since I was going to get a half day in London. Partying with one certain Nina Cocina or Nina Vagina, depending on which 17 year old Jacob you talk to‼!
Saturday
Woke up had some awesome breakfast and made our way to the airport. The entire plane was made up of people from the conference. So it was packed, but luckily the middle seat was empty between me and aisle. We were on British Midland Air. Not bad, not bad at all. Good service, cute girls, and good food. Movies sucked, but oh well. I talked to my seat mate for a good while. We landed and made the trek to Heathrow Hilton. 30 minutes later Nina called and we were off to get HRC pins, Indian food, and toast pints to the queen.
Nina
So Nina goes to school there in London and I thought, even though everything is in English I have no idea how to get around. So I enlisted her help. Plus, I was the first friend to visit her. So, to all of her top tier friends, SUCK IT!‼ Heathrow is about 45 minutes outside of London, so we had a pretty long tube ride. I told her all about what I just told you all. Learned all about life as a doctor, I have to say its kind of like scrubs. So first and foremost we made our way to the HRC. The London HRC is the first one and it was established in 1971, bet you didn’t know that. Well I didn’t get official credit for the visit because the idiot behind the counter doesn’t know how to swipe a card or something. Who know when Ill be there again, but whatever. I know Ive been there. Everything there is worth taking a picture of. The statues, the homes, the buildings, the red phone booths, the red double decker busses. Since, its winter we only had about 2-3 hours of sunlight. But oh well. After HRC we went to see Big Ben and Westminster Abbey. We saw the Thames and the Eye of London. We went to Piccadilly Circus. There were just over way too many people there. Lots of theaters and lots of Union Jack crap to buy. So of course I bought some Union Jack underwear. TO THE QUEEN. We went and got some Indian food. There is quite a large Indian population in England. Their food rocks. We had a pretty sweet price fixe dinner. Appetizers, two entrees, naan bread, pistachio ice cream and cobra beer‼ Get some. It was only about 8 at this time, so we made a quick walk to the pub. Got some beer, Nina got some wine. TO THE QUEEN‼ We mostly talked and caught up, made fun of the English, got another beer. TO THE QUEEN‼! Around I decided to call it a night, since the trains stopped running at 11 and I had to go to the end of the line. Boy that was a long ride, pass out, wake up, uh, where am I, ohh not my stop. Pass out, wake up, uh, where am I, ohh not my stop. The last stop on the train was Heathrow. Made it home a little after midnight.
Sunday
Woke up super early with severe dry mouth. Oh well, THE QUEEN appreciates it. This was my first flight home to the US after the Christmas day bombings, attempted. I guess it had been long enough since the attempt, there was not really any extra checks or security that I could tell. Stuff on the plane was also pretty much the same. Good because I was flying home in business and needed my beauty sleep. The rest of the way home was pretty innocuous.
Until we meet again,
Jacob
