mexican riviera

All aboard the Carnival FunShip!!! Yiiiikes you are very excited at your job is what I thought when I entered the old Spruce Goose hangar.
Friday
Sammy, Andrew, and I were running late, we were some of the last individuals to board the ship. Andrew and I went to visit Sammy for Fourth of July weekend. We flew out that Friday and went over to Balboa peninsula. It was pretty crazy over there; it reminded me a lot of South Padre Island. Everyone was partying: on the beaches, in houses, in bars. All we needed were some college flags and some tug-of-war contests. Friday night we ended up just hanging out at home.
Saturday
Was the Fourth. It took quite a while to get going in the morning. There were about 9 people in the house and everyone wanted something else for breakfast, so it was off to the grocery where everyone could just buy what they wanted. We eventually headed back out to Balboa Peninsula. It turns out I was the whitest guy on the beach. We played a lot of flip cup, Andrew was dominating, and I sort of kind of brought up the rear. We went for a pretty awesome bicycle ride, and then headed over to John Wayne’s bar. We hit up some house parties along the way. We found some guy who was in his underwear and the girls seemed fascinated; especially when he pulled out his nuts. He did. He pulled out his nuts. After Andrew got thoroughly sloshed we ended up going home. Some people slept, some people showered. After a while we played this game that was a mix between charades and win lose or draw. But it was adult themed, it was awesome. The boys lost, only because the girls got easy questions.
Sunday
Another late morning, we were on a quest for food and ended up going to a diner. I had some healthy breakfast tacos. We chilled for awhile, Sammy packed and then we headed to Long Beach to board the ship.
Ships Log
Sunday
We got on the ship and people were already hitting up the buffets; fucking fat bastards. We haven’t even Bon Voyaged and your stuffing yourself at the pizza bar and the hot sandwich bar. We were staying on the Lido deck which was deck 9. Which, by the way, was the nearest to all the buffets. Shortly after setting sail we had to do a safety check, the entire boat was in life jackets on the muster deck and getting instructions on how to board the life boats. Afterwards, I went for a walk around the boat to check things out. Went by the gym and the spa, people were signing up left and right for massages and weight loss programs. How to lose your guy, how to increase your metabolism, how to get rid of your varicose veins. How about you stay away from the pizza bar and just exercise a little more and sleep a little more. Easier said than done I suppose. Later we were off to dinner, it was 830, it turns out we have assigned seating and we lucked out that our tablemates were pretty cool. Couple of guys in their twenties, two teenagers, and a father. We got along pretty well and they were all Carnival Alumnae, so they knew all the dos and don’ts and the things to stay away from. The food in the dining area was really good. Very fancy type foods: filet mignon, lobster, chateaubriand, cherries jubilee, bananas foster, crème brule!! It’s all included and you can order seconds or thirds or you can order two different entrees, three different appetizers. I sometimes get the feeling that the staff thinks, “Ughh, you stupid Americans, you are so wasteful” But they do this week in week out. They say good choice sir and bring you your first course. After dinner we went to the opening show. They have Vegas style shows; they are kind of weak, but still entertaining. After that I just called it a night.
Monday
This was our first full day at sea and it was cold as balls. I was also the whitest individual on ship, even whiter than Pillow Blanket Powder from Iowa, he’s the whitest. That day I went to the gym. It was alright, a little hard to run on the treadmill while the floor is moving. It was also tough to do overhead exercises, because the ceiling was only about 7.5 feet. My arms go above 8 feet when extended. After that Zach and I played some miniature golf. We ended up playing about 5 times over the week, I went 2-3. I then did some sun bathing, but with SPF 45 you don’t get to brown. Maybe I’ll just buy browning lotion. I then got some pizza from the 24 hour pizza place. Went back to the room and got changed. That night was our first formal evening. We were all in tuxedos. I looked pretty pimp. It was a fun evening too, we had lots of wine, and the wait staff was dancing and singing. Afterwards, we went to watch some of that night’s Vegas show, they were nightly. It was also weak, but I watched the whole thing. Then I went over to the crap table and turned 100 dollars into 200. Not a lot of money, but it’s always nice to double your money. The crap table, along with the rest of the ship, is staffed with Eastern Europeans. Romania, Belarus, Hungary; all hot, and there was a Jamaican. One of the best stick chicks I’ve ever had. Around 2 I called it a night.
Tuesday
I skipped breakfast because I got in late, but my family rang and knocked at both doors, so I didn’t really get the best sleep. Tuesday was another full day at sea, only this time we had gotten far enough south that it was warm out. Warm out = Jacob takes off his shirt. This was the first day we actually looked at the ships agenda of activities. We noticed there were quite a few trivia challenges. So we rolled into the first was, aptly called ‘Who wants to be a carnivalaire’, we rolled in there like the gangsters in paradise that we are. We spanked the fuck out of fellow shipmates. They were not expecting that shit. We earned a plastic trophy and that now became our only goal; to attend every trivia and breathe fire and brimstone on these bitches. I worked on my tan that day and played some more miniature golf. I took a nap a little later on in the afternoon, basically slept until dinner. Dinner was good as always. That night I went back to the crap and lost my gains, I was now back at even.
Wednesday
This was our first day in port. We were in Puerto Vallarta and we had no idea what to do. We didn’t plan any shore excursions through Carnival; which I recommend no one do. Just get off the boat and choose a vendor. There are literally one thousand things to do and so many of your closest amigos you didn’t know you had wanting to help you. We found some guy who was going to take us to the rain forest, to a tequila factory, (I don’t like the work tequilera), and zip lining. Zip lining was pretty intense. Zach and I did that. Dad and Andrew drank beer in the restaurant. We had really cool tour guides. We were pretty high up when we did this. We were at about 400 meters and the longest line was 700 meters. Later on we went to the tequila factory, more just the factory showroom, which was fine with me. I don’t need to see the process, I just wanted to taste the by product. It was T A S T Y !!! We had a really funny host. Lots of funny jokes and doing stereotypical Mexican stuff that I just love. Probably the best tequila Ive ever had. Next I made my pilgrimage to HRC and finally went to Senor Frogs. It was an experience, not bad not too good. It just reminds me of a hangover waiting to happen. My dad and I decided to hoof it back to the boat, it was about 2 miles. We stopped and got some Indio, which is the best beer you’ve probably never had or heard of. After we got back to the boat we just chilled and went to our assigned dinner time. I didn’t eat much because I ate at Senor Frogs, the waiter was very disappointed with me. That night I think I just crashed. I crashed with Zach cuz Samm left us, because shes lame and Andrew snores. Zach and I had to fight, and of course I won.
Thursday
We were in Mazatlan this day. Again we just walked out and found a driver. We lucked out because he was awesome. He had beer, water, and sodas in his van waiting for us. He called us all by our Spanish name. Andres, Jacobo, Ricardo, and Zacharias. We started out by going through the hills and he gave some history facts. We stopped at an old fort and bought some souvenirs from some street vendors. Next we stopped to watch some cliff divers. They were okay, they begged everyone for some money afterwards. Next we stopped by a church, then they started having mass, so I said we needed to get the funk out of there and fast. We next stopped at a flea market. Walked around, saw lots of food for sail. Saw a cows head, he winked at me. By this time were getting a little hungry so we headed over to get some food. I had already had a few drinks in me, but it was nothing compared to the 3 Cadillac margaritas I was about to devour. I had some chorizo and shrimp, it was very tasty. The chips were also pretty good. Without warning I had finished my last Cadillac margarita. I was now drunk. As I was walking out I saw a guy wearing a UTEP shirt. I basically ran up to him and hugged him. Luckily he was cool with it. I am gigantic and Im a stranger. After that hugging episode we went parasailing. It was amazing, I felt like I was flying. It was parasailing from the coast not a boat. So I was not reeled back into the boat, I had to land. I was told during my briefing that I was to pull on the right side of my parachute when I saw the flag. In my drunken logic I concurred with him and said okay. After I was done flying I saw the flag and proceeded to pull down on the right side as well as the left side. I pulled them down with all my might. Let me tell you Im currently ranked 3,284,395,153 out of roughly 6,000,000,000 people. I pretty much launched myself into the Gulf of California. The whole coastline was whooping and hollering. I ruined my camera, I felt like a dumbass, and all the people were shouting pinche jacobo. I got back into the van, the guy driver was laughing the whole time. I think I blacked out for most of the ride home. When he got back to the ship I hugged him and said thank you. That night my drunkenness had worn off and I was hangover free. I think I called it an early night.
Friday
This was our day in Cabo San Lucas. We did not hit pay dirt a third time with a tour guide. I don’t think it was his fault. There isn’t anything to do in Cabo except go to the beach and drink. Not sites to see, its basically just a man made resort town. Its nothing but desert, dirt, rock, cactus, and then a dark blue sea. It was also hot as balls. He took us around and we some things, but I wasn’t really feeling it. We had some really good Mexican food. I stopped by HRC got some pins and then we headed back to the boat. We got on the boat at 2pm and just hung out. That night was our last formal evening night. We had some more great food. That night I went back to crap table and I won some money.
Saturday
This was our last day at sea. It was also our last day to win some trivia contests, we went 2 for 4. We won cartoon theme song as well as happy hour trivia. We lost the geography trivia, it was seriously tough though. We played some miniature golf, some cornhole, drank some alcohol. Packed our shit up and just hung out.
Sunday
Got up ass early, we were literally the 9th group off the boat. We jumped in the first fan taxi and we were off to LAX. Andrew and I didn’t fly for 3 hours so we read and took a nap and got something to eat. My flight was only about 1 hour and change and I slept for all of that.
In conclusion, Im down to do another cruise, especially with you. It was lots of fun and theyre pretty cost effective. You pay one price and that includes your room and board, they have bars and clubs and casinos. You don’t have to worry about a DD or anything. Sleep as little or as much as youd like. Any takers????

Love you,

Jacob